Reader’s Dating Dilemma of the Week! NEW

Reader Dating Dilemma of the Week: Frustrations with Approaching Women!

Dear Ms. Lorraine,
I’m writing to you because I’m seriously upset and discouraged with the lack of results I’m getting with women and my failures in approaching women. I have been working on getting better at approaching women by trying to say hello to just about every woman I come across, even if their back is to me in some cases.
An incident today sent me over the edge and makes me just want to throw in the towel & just accept my fate of loneliness. So, as I was in line at a take-out place on my way home from work, I made eye contact with the woman that was last in line before she turned her back to me. As she turned her back, I said hello to her. She initially didn’t respond, so I said hello again. She then turned around and said hello.

As I waited in line, the woman in front of me was with the women being waited on at the cash register. During this time the woman waiting at the cash register and the woman in front of me began making eye contact but not saying anything. They began snickering, so I’m assuming it was about me. They had a small boy with them (he had sunglasses on), but I don’t think they were laughing at him.

This has really affected my confidence, and I was feeling pretty good up to that point. I’m depressed about it, and can’t seem to quit dwelling on the situation. Maybe I need wait on this approaching thing until I get in shape or something. I just feel bad about myself right now.

-Tom, 38

DeAnna’s Answer…

Dear Tom,

First of all, I’m really glad that you’ve been taking action on this problem and actively going out and talking to people. That’s where it all starts – with talking to EVERYONE, no matter who they are. As for as what happened, I’m sorry that you feel bad about that and you decided to let that get you down. But in actuality, I consider that a non-incident. First of all, you have no evidence that the lady was even snickering at you to begin with, so to come to that assumption with no evidence is hasty and false, and worse, to let that hasty conclusion with no merit to it bring your self-esteem down and halt the rest of your efforts – is ludicrous! Why are you giving this stranger that you don’t even know and you’ll never see again so much power to affect you?  Aren’t you more powerful and in control of your state you’re your confidence than that?  And aside from that, let’s just say she was in fact snickering at you, perhaps because you said hello twice to her when her back was turned to you, and perhaps she wasn’t in a mood for small-talking or what not…. do you really care? What about if you just laughed to yourself and found it funny instead, patting yourself on the back for trying something new and stepping outside your comfort zone, brushing it off and moving right along to someone else? The fact that you even talked to someone when you wouldn’t have before is an accomplishment; THAT’S what I want you to focus on, these small continuous accomplishments  -  NOT on the actual outcomes. Because there is NO such thing as ‘failure’ my friend –only feedback! You MUST remember this and live this out, because it’s true. LET GO of the outcome and whatever a woman’s reaction is and understand that you’re going to have a heck of a lot more of those along the way, but they’ll get fewer and fewer the more you do and the positive interactions will get  more and more frequent the more approaches you do. It’s called “LEARNING.”

Do you think if you learned to snowboard for the first time you might fall a few times before you could go down the hill? Ummm… yes. You fall DOZENS of times. Just like with EVERY single sport and EVERY new skill and thing that you learn and have ever learned! Did you ever fall a couple times when you first learned to, I don’t know, WALK? Didn’t you fall over a couple of times when you first learned to ride a bike? What would happen if the very first time you fell when learning to ride your bike, you threw a fit, got all depressed, kicked all your gear off and gave up on the whole damn sport simply because you fell once? You’d never learn for one. And for two, you have proven to yourself, time and time again, that your brain is fully capable of learning a new skill. All beings learn. Even clams and plants have a learning curve. The only reason why some people learn a new skill faster than others is because they practice more. That’s all it is.

That also explains why you see every day average looking or even downright unattractive men walking around with beautiful girlfriends or are able to what seems like ‘effortlessly’ approach and charm women. Believe me, they were not somehow born knowing how to do that. Well, most aren’t anyway. It’s only the result of a decision that they made that they wouldn’t let their appearances be a limitation for them anymore and, and the result of practice – doing it over and over again, each time learning from the ‘feedback’ they get and improving and improving each time till they can achieve their desired outcome nearly every time.

And do you think it would make any difference at all if you ‘waited till you were in better shape’ and then tried again a year later? No! because you still have to get through the learning phase regardless, no matter what kind of shape you’re in, and that will always take some falling down; that part’s inevitable and there’s no getting around that. One can never get from A to C without first crossing through B. But you CAN control your attitude through it and the way you deal with the inevitable fallings. If you just have fun with it and laugh when you fall down, learn from the feedback, and try it again you’re going to succeed, accelerate the process, and have a far more enjoyable and positive experience along the way, but if every time you fall you get all depressed and bent out of shape and let it affect your mood and confidence, you’re  going to make it a heck of a lot harder on yourself, you’ll slow down the process and you’ll have a negative & un-enjoyable experience along the way. So why make it harder on yourself David, why not just have fun with it and take each new encounter as another story for the books?

But In order to get over the initial hurt and ‘sting’ of being turned down, you have to face it head on and go through it a number of times, as each time  stings less and less until its completely gone and it doesn’t even phase you. Just like when you work out and use muscles that you haven’t in a while you get sore afterward, but after your muscles and body gets used to the routine, you’re no longer sore after your workout. Well this is the same exact thing! All you have to do is simply pass through this short little beginning stage and then you’re out on the other side – happy and confident, successful with women, and able to approach and attract women easily and effortlessly.

Don’t stop now at this little bump in the road when you’re doing so well, keep going ahead!!

And if you need more help, sign up for my Men’s 90-Day Coaching Plan and we’ll eliminate your approaching issue in less than a few weeks

~DeAnna

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DeAnna in Pacific Magazine’s Valentines Issue!

DeAnna was among a few select Dating Experts in California that was asked to be featured in Pacific San Diego Magazine’s special February Valentine’s issue and cover story, What is Love, along with Dr. Drew and Tough Love’s Host Steven Ward.Check out the feature story they wrote on her Date Coaching & Matchmaking expertise in the exclusive interview!Pick up a copy at newsstands all over San Diego county.

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DeAnna Decodes Men & Women’s Secret VALENTINES Language!

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12 Hidden Truths about Valentine’s Day EXPOSED: Mens VS. Womens Valentine’s Experience!

By Dating Coach DeAnna Lorraine

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. Want to know what women and men are REALLY thinking, wishing and wanting when it comes to the big day?? Since I “hear it all”  from BOTH sexes, I’ve put together a handy survival guide that decodes common Valentine’s Day phrases and behaviors from girls and guys so you can really know what’s up this year and pass any hidden traps your with flying colors!

#1. It’s known to women as the ‘barometer’ of the relationship. Anything you do and say is a TEST and will reveal how you really feel about her and the relationship. Proceed cautiously and beware of danger traps!

#2. She’s secretly hoping that this is the time you will “prove” your true feelings to her. (Through grandiose romantic overtures, small black boxes with sparkly things inside, serenades and ridiculous displays of red roses.)

#3. It’s a major unspoken competition among women and their friends since the beginning of time – over who’s got the biggest rock, the prettiest roses, the most glamorous dinner, and most romantic (i.e. ‘generous’) boyfriend or husband. You’d better out-do Tony and Joe and make sure she WINS! If your girlfriend loses, YOU lose. And onto the sofa-bed you go.

(Side-note: She says, “Omigosh Sweetie, did you hear what Jessica’s boyfriend got her for Valentine’s?? How sweet!” = This is Code for: “Omigosh Sweetie, Did you see what you now have to do/buy for me so that I can do better than Jessica?? Listen up!”

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#4. She’s looking at how you sign the card – “From?” “Love” or “Best”? “Yours Truly?”  She IS waiting to rip the card open! Write wisely.

#5. She says, “Oh honey, whatever we do is fine. I’ll be happy with anything.” = A Trap! Don’t fall prey to this, oh naïve men.

Interpret as, “You’d better know me well enough to know exactly what I want and plan the most elaborate dinner and Valentine’s evening every or ELSE….” (“or else” = ‘rewards’ taken away.)

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#6. All girls secretly want jewelry on Valentine’s Day– period.

All men secretly want sex on Valentine’s Day – period.

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#7. Most women will hold off on dumping a guy till after Valentine’s Day so they can see can see what kind of a gift and dinner they get.

Most guys will dump a girl before Valentine’s Day so they won’t have to get them dinner or a gift.

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#8. Sorry, Ladies. Your man isn’t making a mad dash to the flower shop to show you how much he cares. The real reason he just dropped $400 on a dozen roses is because he enjoys the comfort of his bed and has no desire to sleep on the couch. They do it because they’re SCARED of what’s going to happen to them if they DON’T.

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#9. Woman receiving Jewelry = “He loves me. He cares!”

Man giving Jewelry = “I’m hoping I’ll get a 3-way tonight.”

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#10. The more expensive and ridiculous the display of roses, teddy bears, or flowers, and the more people are around to see it, the happier she’ll be. She wants to show off the biggest thing possible to as many people as possible.

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#11. Post-Valentine’s Day, Woman’s thoughts: “I wish Valentines Day was every day…”

Post-Valentine’s Day, Man’s thoughts: “I emptied my bank account on Valentine’s Day, and all I got was this lousy stuffed animal.”

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And Truth #12…   If you FORGET the V-day = Forget the V-Jay-Jay.

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Join the Valentines “Blog Crawl,” Feb. 8th – 14th!

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Join me & other Dating Experts on a Valentine’s Day “Blog Crawl” Starting Monday, February 8^th

Discover How to Celebrate Valentine’s Day Single-Style and Dating Tips to Find Love!

(February 6, 2010) Better than a bar crawl, the first ever Valentine’s Day “Blog Crawl” raises awareness (instead of money) for the positive aspects of celebrating Valentine’s Day as a single adult. While this holiday often causes single women everywhere to cringe, the Blog Crawl has been created to shift that reaction to a more upbeat outlook.

Beginning Monday, February 8^th, guest bloggers from some of the Internet’s most popular sites, will be sharing their insights to help single women enjoy a day that is traditionally for couples, and offer advice for finding the love they want.

Unite with countless single readers to take in this virtual tour of the web’s best dating experts. Featured guest bloggers include:

Monday, 2/8: The Dating Goddess (www.DatingGoddess.com) who has one of the top-ranked dating advice sites and has published more than a dozen books about dating in the Adventures of Delicious Dating after 40 book series.

Tuesday, 2/9: Alyssa Johnson, MSW, LCSW, of www.RemarriageSuccess.com helps divorced parents move into new relationships and successful step families, and is the author of over 250 published articles and 4 books, with an active counseling practice.

Wednesday, 2/10: Laurie Davis is the founder of eFlirt Expert and co-host of the weekly web show, LoveNation. She helps singles market themselves to become successful daters, is the current NY Tech Dating Examiner and a contributing writer for The Guyds.

Thursday, 2/11: SingleMomSeeking.com is one of the best dating bloggers specializes in being a parent while looking for love (about.com Guide to Dating) and author of Single Mom Seeking: Play Dates, Blind Dates, and Other Dispatches from the Dating World.

Friday, 2/12: Terry Hernon MacDonald, expert dating blogger at www.HappyGirlMusing.com is the author of the hot selling ebook, How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams.

Saturday, 2/13: DeAnna Lorraine, innovative Dating and Relationship Coach and NLP Practitioner, helps clients transform their love life to succeed with the opposite sex at www.DeAnnaLorraine.com

Sunday, 2/14: Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, The Dating Coach has helped over 2,000 singles to successfully jump start or accelerate their search for love. She is also a speaker, workshop leader, author of MANifesting Mr. Right and founder of www.NeverTooLate.biz.

Guest bloggers have been selected for their specific expertise to inform, inspire, and motivate singles to enjoy what is normally the most dreaded retail holiday of the year. In addition, single women, whether divorced, widowed or never married can learn from the sage dating wisdom these experts share.

Ronnie Ann Ryan, creator of the Valentine’s Day Blog-a-thon said, “This is a ground-breaking opportunity for single women to rethink their reaction to Valentine’s Day and transform the holiday experience into something enjoyable and positive.”

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Valentines Day: Pro or Anti? Share YOUR Views!

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So Valentines Day is right around the corner and fast approaching…Obviously.  “Love” is in the air… What are the general sentiments of everyone? Of course I’m doing lots of promotional stuff for Valentines Day, and there’s cards and teddy bears and enormous red heart-shaped boxes of chocolates and roses everywhere you look, but what’s the real meaning behind Valentines Day?

Is it just an excuse for Hallmark and other card and teddy bear distributors to make a crap-load of money and buy themselves new houses and vacations once a year? Is it really a holiday that brings two people closer, or does it actually create lots of unrealistically high expectations and disappointed girlfriends across the nation?

And what about single people, are they just supposed to be excluded from the whole holiday and made to feel depressed because they are spending it alone? Is Valentines Day out-dated on the whole? Well my thoughts are that Valentines Day is, for the most part, an out-dated Holiday that puts a lot of pressure on the person you are dating – but really, its mostly the guy with all the pressure, with women usually having all these preconceived  all high hopes and expectations in her head of what she hopes her guy does, that he needs to live up to (yet he doesn’t even know what they are! And if he falls short, or his surprises were off-base, or if God forbid one of her girlfriends gets an even BETTER Valentines celebration from her man, then it all goes down the tubes and both parties are left disappointing, not closer.

On another note, there shouldn’t be just ONE day of the year where you appreciate and romance your partner – romance and appreciation should come every day of the year! And how much more exciting are roses or a surprise gift when you get them on a random day in the year, not just on the one day of the year that everyone is ’supposed’ to get them?

But on the other hand, if we were to do away with Valentines Day altogether… I might be a bit sad in all honesty. If the man I was dating told me he didn’t want to celebrate Valentines Day, I think I might miss those singing candy grams and chocolates and all that red and pink love-dovey stuff…. What do you think?

Ok, your turn: I want to hear YOUR thoughts, opinions, rants and/or Raves one way or the other of Valentines Day. And strong opinions always encouraged! And if you’re a total ‘Romance Rebel,’ tell me why. Also, anyone who does alternatives to Valentines Day, or celebrates it in a unique OR rebellious way, whether you’re single or in a relationship, share with us! Let’s get the discussion going!

POST your comments down BELOW!

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DeAnna on “LifeGasms” Radio Show’s Love Panel Feb. 2!

DeAnna will be on the Talk Radio Show LifeGasms for a very special Valentine’s love episode, on Tuesday, February 2nd at 9am PST, 12pm EST! DeAnna will be part of the ‘Love Panel,’ along with several other nationally-known industry experts, discussing lots of different hot topics relating to love, dating, sex, romance and more. Tune in for this entertaining and very informative show!

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Participant Progress Page for The 45-Day Dating Challenge!

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And the Lovely & Bold Participants in the 45-Day Dating Challenge are…

♦ Lisa; 48

\”Hi. I am an attorney for the biotech industry and my client base is international so I have had opportunities to travel all over the world.  I am a racehorse lover (and sometimes owner) and attended my first Kentucky Derby in 2009; enjoy most sports (and prefer to attend events in person); appreciate fashion and shopping (I'm a woman!); work out 5-7 days a week; and I am a single mom to an amazing teenage daughter.\” 

♦ Mark; 41

Bio on the way!

♦ Keri; 38

\”Hi there! I am looking for someone to have fun with and who can show me new experiences and lead to a long relationship. I'm shy and want to meet someone that can break me out of my shell. I want to connect with someone on all levels. Family is very important to me. It is very important we have an understanding for one another. Communication is the key. Being able to be open and honest is very important. I enjoy staying fit. My hobbies, are walking, hiking, camping, movies, baseball games and walks on the beach. I have a good sense of humor, honest, loyal and dedicated woman!\”

♦ Hank, 40

\”I was born and raised on Long Island, NY and went to college in Rochester, NY.

I have now recently moved back to SD to pursue research opportunities at UCSD. Also, I have to admit that I really enjoyed the lifestyle and climate here, so coming back for work was a relatively easy choice. In my free time I enjoy live music shows, sporting events, dining out, and wine tasting. Since returning to SD I have begun to work on developing my hobby as a photographer (especially fashion/glamour shoots). I am looking forward devoting more time to getting out and meeting new people with whom to explore this great city with!\”

♦ Simon; 44

Bio on the way!

Please help support these motivated singles who have taken the 45-Day Challenge to ring in the new year by giving their dating and love life a massive make-over!

Follow the participants on this challenge that lasts until Valentines Day (February 14th), cheer on your favorites, and check the site weekly for their latest updates and progress reports, photos and blog entries of their progress, successes,stories and challenges along the way! And get inspired to start your own 45-Day Dating Challenge to jump-start your dating life in the right direction this year so you make THIS the year that you finally make those improvements that you need happen and find the love you've been waiting for. No more excuses; Make it happen.

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HOT SpeedDating Event! FEB. 11th at J6!

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The #1 Romance Resolution you need to make!

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The Most Important New Year’s Resolution for your Relationship!

The Most Important New Year’s Resolution you need to make that will Transform your Relationship this Year

Most people who know or follow me know that I am very open about my family life growing up, the divorces I went through as a child and my mother’s three marriages, and how all those events and experiences have cultivated my gift of understanding relationships and led me to create my career as a Dating & Relationship Coach.  My experiences have inspired many blogs and articles about how to create successful and lasting relationships and prevent relationship failure, and there will of course be many still to come. But if I can sum up all the factors that make the difference between a happy, healthy relationship that succeeds and lasts, and one that fizzles and fails, I would say that one of the biggest secrets by far is… ROMANCE. Making Romance a priority, and keeping it alive – amidst kids, careers, and no matter how crazy your lives and schedules are. Listen to me when I tell you to NEVER underestimate the significance and power of romance.

So, the MOST IMPORTANT New Year’s resolution I want you guys to make this year – and really stick to – is the resolution to put effort into the romance of your relationship. A relationship needs romance to not only survive, but to thrive. Romance is the fuel for the fire of your relationship!

Romance is what brought you guys together and what inspired you to marry. If your relationship is in trouble, is stagnating, or isn’t quite what it could be or what it used to be, then ask yourself how the romance is currently in your relationship…and the answer will dictate where the problem lies.

Putting effort into romance means dressing up frequently for your partner and putting EFFORT into your appearance. What do you look like when your partner comes home from work? Ask yourself honestly; have you let yourself go since marrying or committing to your partner? Have you put on weight, stopped dressing up or stopped putting effort into your hair or appearance? Have you gotten too comfortable with your partner; stopped shaving, putting face masks on in front of them, going to the bathroom in front of them?

You want your partner to roll over in the morning and look at you and be THANKFUL that they choose YOU, every…single… day! You don’t want them to think, “Geez, I didn’t expect her/him to look like THIS after a few years,” or have regrets because you look different than when you first married. Your partner was initially attracted to you because you looked a certain way. If you look different now than when you did when they first met you, then you can’t expect them to feel the same level of attraction towards you. If you’ve put on weight since the beginning of the relationship, make a commitment to start losing it and getting back into shape. Turn back into the woman (or man) that they first fell in love with!

Putting effort into romance means creating excitement and stimulation in the relationship! It can be so easy to slip into a routine and fall into predictability. So it is your RESPONSIBILITY to keep the relationship EXCITING for both of you. What are you currently doing to create excitement?

SURPRISE your partner with random gifts and notes and things, such as leaving a random rose on their windshield before they leave for work, or put chocolate kisses in their pocket or purse. Create anticipation and sexual tension by exchanging sexy test messages or emails throughout the day. Greet your partner in high-heels and lingerie and their favorite beverage when they arrive home. Create and act out fantasies with your partner. Try having sex in a position or a new place other than your bed for Pete’s sake.

A relationship needs ongoing sexual stimulation in order to sustain the attraction, and men especially need a high level of novelty and fantasy in their relationship or else their attraction begins to fade with their wife or girlfriend and their eyes start looking elsewhere. So ladies, it is especially crucial that you constantly maintain this and keep them stimulated! If you don’t put effort into keeping things fresh and novel, you are likely to drift into feeling like you’re roommates rather than lovers.

Putting effort into the romance also means making TIME for the romance and making it a priority. Let me make a correction, I mean making it one of your very TOP priorities, right up there with finances and children… Not one that you shuffle down to the bottom of the list whenever something else pops up. You NEED to make your romance a necessity, a priority.

You can’t expect a flower to live and grow unless you nurture and care for it every day. You have to nurture your romance every day – not just when you have time, or once a week. No matter how busy you get, spend at least 30 minutes a day connecting alone. If that means closing th3e bedroom doors when the kids are home, do it. Kiss your partner – like you mean it – at least once a day. Better yet, put aside at least 10 minutes of ‘Make-Out Time’ every day, and stick to it. Don’t go through the day without looking in your partners eyes and genuinely connecting. Really think about who that person is that you’re looking at, and why you love them so much. Who is this person that you’re living with? Who is this person that’s such a big part of your life? You need to remind yourself and each other each day why you chose each other and why you love each other or your connection will gradually begin fading and you’ll wake up one day and feel like you’re living with a stranger. Connect and feel your partner’s energy every day.

So please, if there’s one New Year’s resolution that you make and stick to this year of 2010, please, please make me happy and let me sleep at night by making a solemn promise to make romance a priority in your relationship or marriage. Make the resolution to put daily effort into the romance of your relationship this year – no excuses. And by the end of next year, I want you to report back to me and tell me what happens. I guarantee you will have a transformed relationship and you will be thanking me – and yourself- for doing it!

**Need any help, Coaching or Ideas for rejuvenating the romance and novelty in your relationship or marriage? Contact me to inquire about my custom Relationship or Marriage Coaching for couples, or better yet sign up for my 2-Day Relationship Breakthrough Sessions which are designed to transform, strengthen and Rejuvenate your relationship or marriage or SAVE a relationship that’s in trouble or stagnating!

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Sign up for my 45-Day Dating Challenge!

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Are you sick of being Single and frustrated with your lack of progress?

Tired of dating the wrong people & repeating the same dating mistakes?

Are you determined to make THIS the year you finally make the change and be the NEXT one of your friends to head down the aisle?

Are you READY to jump-start the new year of 2010 with a dramatically improved love life and possibly even a Relationship by Valentine’s Day?

Then, I challenge you to sign up for my “45-Day Dating Challenge,” and you will transform your love life by Valentines Day!

Only 2 Days left to register for The Challenge, and limited spots available (only 8 total)! First Day of ‘class’ is Tuesday, January 5th at 6:30pm-7:30pm PST.

I dare you to Grab the bull by the horns and take CONTROL of your life and love life this year! Finally Break through those roadblocks, break OUT of your single rut and overcome those issues that have been keeping you “stuck” once and for all – let THIS be the year that you finally get the LOVE (and life) you really want! Achieve those goals and make those personal changes that you know you need to make that will make the DIFFERENCE in your life and love life. No more excuses – get it right this year. Make it HAPPEN. Participate in my exclusive 45-Day Jump-Start your Dating Success Challenge – and I am confident that you will spend this Valentines Day with someone special! Sign up NOW →

WHO: Calling all motivated singles (between the ages of 21 and 60) who are frustrated, distressed or otherwise READY to make a change and be actively dating by Valentines Day! You will get the rare opportunity to be coached personally by me for 6 WEEKS at a severely reduced price that you won’t be able to get again. I am taking on only 8 people maximum to enroll in this fun and transformative 6-week Dating & Self-Improvement ‘Challenge.’ Read more

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