‘Stud’ or ‘Dud?’ How do YOU come out looking in our Girl-Talks?

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Ok guys, this one’s for you. I was sitting around the table with a group of my girlfriends last week, drinking wine, eating, and of course, doing one of our (and every girl on the planet’s) favorite past-times; Talking about men. And, more specifically, an “update” on everyone’s most recent dates and current guys they are dating. An evening with girlfriends just wouldn’t be complete without our juicy “Girl Talk.” And by ‘updates’ I mean, every specific nuance of the date – and the man at hand. (We need specifics) And I realized that if a guy were a fly on the wall in our conversations, or any woman’s for that matter, he’d really get a load of priceless insight on what to do and not do to attract women.

YES men, girls talk, and we talk about you. And based on things you do (or DON’T do) on our dates with you…you can come out of a 20-minute girl conversation (complete with “Ooh-ing” and “Aah-ing” or “Boo!-ing”) either looking like a total STUD… or being thrashed and labeled a total DUD. (Hey don’t blame us…It’s just a part of ‘girl bonding!’ Don’t try to tell us you don’t have YOUR own version And if you don’t think our friend’s opinions about the guy we’re dating doesn’t influence our decision about you and whether or not to keep dating you… you’re very naive : )  You’ve got to know that when you date a girl, you’re also essentially ‘dating’ her friends, so how do you want to come out looking? SO… on that note, how’d you like to know what some of those “Stud-Makers” and “Dud-Makers” are that girls discuss about YOU?? Well…there’s a laundry list of too many to list here right now, but I’ll go ahead and list a few of them. (Stay tuned for PART II of Stud or Dud!)

Let’s start with some of those fast and easy “Stud-Makers” that are sure to come up in conversation…

1. Looking SHARP & Put-Together: Most decent women are going to notice whether you looked like you rolled out of bed 10 minutes before the date or you actually put some effort into it. We certainly put effort into looking great for YOU, so we expect you to put in the same effort for us when you show up, okay? Looking sloppy or too casual is fine for hanging out with your boys or after you’re already comfortable with a girl, but for the first few dates, step it up! Even if you’re more of a ‘casual’ or ‘T-shirt’ guy or collared shirts bother your neck or make you feel ‘gay’ – (not that there’s anything wrong with that) -  suck it up for a few hours por favor (because with our 4-inch heels and sporting dresses in the winter, we sure do) and kick it up a notch. You’ve only got one time to make a first impression, and believe it or not you’ll actually stand out and set yourself apart from the other lame guys who pick us up dressed sloppy and carelessly (at the very least check for holes and stains!). And it’s something so simple that you can do that will automatically elevate you to a higher status with her and her friends. You’ll be getting comments from us like, “Yeah, and he actually has STYLE!” and “He actually dressed NICE!” …Which translates to lots of “Oohs” and “Keep dating him!” cheers from her girls.

2. Acts of Gentleman-ly CHIVALRY: Yes, we DO notice when a man is chivalrous or not and does those “Gentleman-ly” gestures, so make sure you open her door for her (car doors and restaurants or venues), and walk her to her door at the end of the date. Also, although some girls may not take you up on it due to safety issues, at least offer to pick her up. These details, while they may seem small or cliche, are ‘cliche’ for a reason – they get our attention, they are appreciated, and they do work in your favor. Doing these gestures shows you are at the very least an upstanding guy who has respect and class; often a rarity to find nowadays, and will turn her friends into your fans. Not doing these things will signal lack of care and respect. Booo.

4. Is a good KISSER: It doesn’t matter if you look like Rob Pattinson or Danny DeVito… a good kiss will sweep a girl off our feet! Go in for the kiss with confidence and certainty, and kiss us like you mean it. Then send us on our way and into our house. You can be certain she’s going to be calling her girls the second she gets into her home with glowing reviews about your A+ kissing skills, they’ll all be rooting for you and wondering what you’re like in bed, and you can pretty much guarantee she’s going to go on another date with you (if for no other reason than to continue kissing where you left off and check out what else you’ve got up your sleeve.) This is a skill that should be mastered, for your benefit.

5. Taking the LEAD, taking “Care” of things, “Handling” things. Okay so we girls just LOVE it when the man we go on a date with really just “HANDLES” things! You’re taking US out, taking control of the evening. From having plans already set to go and either the reservations already set or a few good options for her to choose from (rather than brainstorming on the phone with her about what to do on the date and where she wants to go – attraction declining), to taking the initiative to order drinks and food, if there’s a problem, taking care of it (waitress taking too long to come by? Your date looks cold and doesn’t have a sweater? Take care of it!) and so on. We go dishing to our girls about how we like the fact that you took the lead and took care of things, and you get ’stamped’ by us as a real Man, not a boy.

3. You “Pleased” HER First! Well, this one can be stretched out past the first date since these ‘activities’ may not happen until several dates in, but yes being patient and “generous” in this regard in the beginning will certainly pay off for you. Please her first, and the rewards will come. Plus a whole bunch of praise and “Yay!’s” from her girls. Good stuff!

And now, these following 5 things you do will be brought up, and when they do, will get you BOO!ed right out of her mind:

1. You took her somewhere “lame,” cheap, or cliche. Ambiance is everything with us girls, and we leave it to you guys to set the ’scene’ and cater to our senses. If you take us to somewhere where we’ve probably already been to a bunch of times (like Johnny V’s or World Famous [for you San Diegans], or a generic, cliche chain restaurant like Benni Hana’s or Chevy’s, or a lame or cheap-looking place with a non-romantic atmosphere like one that’s really bright and open with kids running around just because there’s $3 drink specials, our girls are going to here about it, and you’ll probably get docked at least a few points.

2. You were rude to Waiters, Staff or other people: Oh yes, this is a big one often overlooked by guys. We definitely look for how you treat waiters and staff, or other people because we feel it gives us a glimpse into your true character. So be mindful of how you treat them and mind your P’s & Q’s! If you’re rude or arrogant to them, tip them poorly, send back your meal after you’ve eaten half, and so on… that’ll be seen as a glaring ‘Red Flag’ and not go over so kindly.

3. You “Cheaped out” on the bill: On that note, we also talk about how you handle the bill when it’s that time! A lot of guys make it awkward by just letting the bill sit out there on the table for a while gathering dust, or by making comments about the amount or price of the items under your breath as you’re biting your nails: (”Woah, that Chardonnay was pricey!” or “Wow I hope that Creme Brulee was worth it..”), nickel-and-diming over things, and the like. And if you make HER pay for half or accept her offer, (yes, even if she offers) on a first date… the report will not be pretty! It may have even been a great date up till then, which is a shame, because she’ll probably say something to her friends like: “Well it was an awesome date and he SEEMED really great, BUT THEN…he… (”made me pay for half!”) (”was weird about the bill”) (”was cheap!”)…and fill in the blank. In other words, Not a good foot to start out on. When the bill comes, handle it like a man, handle it gracefully, and tip well please. If you need to stress out about it you can stress out about it or throw a stuffed animal later after you’ve dropped her off. It does not go unnoticed by us, and it’ll pay off for you, we promise.

4. Excessive “Name-Dropping”: YOU know who you are – You like to throw around lots of ‘hints’ that you’re ultra-cool or successful or connected – just to make sure she got the memo that you’re a valuable guy to be around. Maybe you throw it out there that you’ve got a yacht or a Limo, you know the bouncers at The Ivy or hottest nightclubs, showing her pictures from your recent trip to Fiji on your i-Phone, your ex-girlfriend was a model, you’ve got two Ferrari’s and a home in Aspen, that whole deal. Well guess what, your gloating doesn’t impress us. A little tactful name-dropping here and there – if it’s relevant – is fine, but subtlety and modesty go a lot further with us in the end than excessive name-dropping, which can come across either like you’re actually NOT that cool so you’re overcompensating for something, or you’re really full of yourself. AKA, very “tool-esque” (yes I just made that word up). If you’re really successful or have valuable traits or assets, we will know or we’ll pick up on it on our own, without you having to throw them right in front of our faces. And when we find out about those assets in a more natural way as they happen to come up, we will be much MORE impressed and turned on, and it will speak much more highly of your character and values.

5. Hitting on or Checking out other Women in front of us: I know, I know, it’s just part of a male’s programming to check out their female ’surroundings’ wherever you go as if at a museum. But I’m telling you so you can be consciously AWARE of it and don’t make this mistake. No you do not have to have your eyes glued on to your date the whole time. A little mystery as to your feelings about her is good and cool. But she will think twice about you if you rubber-neck a girl passing by or give a girl a double-take or a look that lingers a little too long. And it’s cool to be friendly to waiters and staff, her friends and other people, but there’s a line between friendly and TOO friendly, and too friendly is downright disrespectful. If it seems like you’re hitting on them or getting a little too friendly, rest assured she’ll be telling her friends about it and you’ll  be put on the Warning List as a “Potential Player” or “Sleaze,” or other undesirable labels, and will be on close watch for any behaviors that help us ‘confirm’ it!

Do you ladies have any more to add to the list? Share your comments below!

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Reader Question: 5 Yrs – Will he ever Propose??

Reader Question of the Week:

Its been 5 Years! Why hasn’t he Proposed Yet?

Question: Dear DeAnna,
Please help. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years, and I love him and want to marry him. But we’ve been living with each other for almost 3 years, and he still has not proposed to me! I’m getting really impatient as I just turned 30 and he seems to not be in any rush to get married or care that my clock Is ‘ticking’ per say. What is your advice for speeding up the process and why do you think he hasn’t asked me yet? Do you think he will soon? Help!

-Patricia, 30. Riverside, CA.

DeAnna’s Answer:

Dear Patricia,

Oh geez…. I hear this same dilemma time and time again.

Okay, I know you probably don’t want to hear this but… the biggest mistake you made, was living with this guy. So since this is such a common dilemma I hear from comen, I’m going to use your story to illustrate to women why you should NOT live with a guy before marriage if there’s no commitment yet and why it’s a bad idea…

#1, and this is VERY important, so remember this – Living with a guy does NOT automatically mean a ring is waiting for you around the corner, and doesn’t even remotely guarantee a marriage; in fact, if anything, it usually DECREASES his motivation to marry you… just like having sex with a guy before as commitment diminishes his motivation to want to be exclusive & committed to you. This is the most common trap that women fall into with their boyfriends that winds up wasting years of their life & failed relationships.

And now for the WHY… If guys can get away with it, they will try to avoid locking themselves into the lifelong commitment of marriage, and will want to first try to ‘test-drive’ you – for ‘free’ – to make sure that he does in fact even want to marry you and to see how you’d be as a wife and living partner. Or maybe he already knows that he doesn’t really want to get married, so he’ll try to get away with not marrying you for as long as he can get away with it for. Just like men often try to get away with having sex with a girl without making a real commitment if they can.

So he’ll ask you to live with you first, telling you that he wants to take the relationship in a more serious direction and asks you to live with him.

YOU think: “Great! Then once we live with each other for a while, the next step is marriage!” You imagine he will soon give you a ring…

HE’s thinking: “I like her a lot, maybe I even love her, I think she MIGHT be ‘The One’ for me, but I want to ‘try it out’ first and make sure. And I get sick of her or something or realize I don’t like her enough to marry her, I can always pull out and end the relationship.” OR he may be thinking, “I’m not sure if I want to marry her, but I don’t really want to break up with her, I want to keep getting my ‘benefits,’ so I’ll just appease her in the meantime by asking her to live with me and that’ll hold her over for a while and get me off the hook of having to propose.”

He may be insinuating that the live-in situation will eventually lead to marriage, or maybe he outright told you that it would. But in the back of his mind, he is not giving you a ring yet because he is NOT SURE. And he wants to use the live-in situation as a way to prolong his decision and also “try you on for size.”

But what happens is, when a guy moves in with you, he’s getting all the ‘perks’ of the marriage from you– without the actual marriage. You feed him, you feed his ego, you sleep with him, give him regular sex. You’re a loyal, committed woman, you’re available to him whenever he wants. Plus whatever else you may do for him like cook and clean or do his laundry. To a man there really is not much more. You have given him everything he wants without getting married. He gets all of this, plus he has the joy of having no life-long commitment and knowing he can always break it off at any time! So, what’s in it for him if he does get married? ‘Nothing’ as far as he is concerned. He doesn’t feel a need. Except for if he gets married; he’s stuck with a life-long commitment, and a lot more liability, and financial nightmare if the relationship does not end up working out.
So what happens? He starts getting content with the situation… and time starts dragging by…
And do you think that he’s getting more and more attracted to you as time goes by, and more and more motivated to want to marry you?

NO, sister!

Because as time goes on and you live together every day, you start falling into a routine and, naturally, you become more dull and predictable to him. Any of those fun surprises that you may have experienced when you first became roomies are gone as you’ve become used to each other and any excitement you used to have has turned into monotony and often boredom that naturally comes from seeing the same person day in and day out. And the older you get and the more time that passes, the more impatient you become and insecure you feel about the situation. And it come out in unattractive ways, perhaps you start bitching at him or nagging him, get upset with him if he wants to take a trip without you or have a boys night, or question him about his intentions and ask him when his time-frame is for getting married.

So to him, you’re becoming less and less attractive as time goes on, not more attractive. This is especially true if you do not have a lot of outside friends or interests beside from him and you’re always wanting to spend time with him. Add on to that, the longer this drags on for, the more bored he gets in the relationship and the less attractive you become to him. Does that sound like something he’d be jumping up excitedly for and racing out to Zale’s to buy you a ring??

What for??

Why should he “buy the cow” (you/marriage) if he’s “getting the milk” (the benefits) for free?

Meanwhile, he’s keeping you strung along, with all your other options cut off and being unable to meet anyone else, so you’re kept totally devoted & committed to him. While he gets to ‘test-drive’ you and see how he feels about living with you and being married to you while knowing he can just walk away at any time.

So you see, you can’t really blame the guy for dragging this on as long as he possibly can and not being motivated to marry you.
If he hasn’t proposed after 1 year of living with you, he’s most likely not ever going to, and will just keep dragging it on. I know women who have been living with their boyfriends for 4, 6, even 10 years, and still without an engagement!

If it’s been over a year that you’ve been living with your boyfriend and he still hasn’t proposed or given you any sort of timeframe for when he will, my advice is to get out now! While you’re still relatively young and have some options. Or give yourself a 3-6 month mental time-line for when you’re going to draw the line and break it off if he hasn’t initiated an engagement yet. And move onto finding someone who IS sure about you and is ready and motivated to marry you without having to wait years to ‘test’ you out!

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DeAnna Decodes Men & Women’s Secret VALENTINES Language!

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12 Hidden Truths about Valentine’s Day EXPOSED: Mens VS. Womens Valentine’s Experience!

By Dating Coach DeAnna Lorraine

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. Want to know what women and men are REALLY thinking, wishing and wanting when it comes to the big day?? Since I “hear it all”  from BOTH sexes, I’ve put together a handy survival guide that decodes common Valentine’s Day phrases and behaviors from girls and guys so you can really know what’s up this year and pass any hidden traps your with flying colors!

#1. It’s known to women as the ‘barometer’ of the relationship. Anything you do and say is a TEST and will reveal how you really feel about her and the relationship. Proceed cautiously and beware of danger traps!

#2. She’s secretly hoping that this is the time you will “prove” your true feelings to her. (Through grandiose romantic overtures, small black boxes with sparkly things inside, serenades and ridiculous displays of red roses.)

#3. It’s a major unspoken competition among women and their friends since the beginning of time – over who’s got the biggest rock, the prettiest roses, the most glamorous dinner, and most romantic (i.e. ‘generous’) boyfriend or husband. You’d better out-do Tony and Joe and make sure she WINS! If your girlfriend loses, YOU lose. And onto the sofa-bed you go.

(Side-note: She says, “Omigosh Sweetie, did you hear what Jessica’s boyfriend got her for Valentine’s?? How sweet!” = This is Code for: “Omigosh Sweetie, Did you see what you now have to do/buy for me so that I can do better than Jessica?? Listen up!”

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#4. She’s looking at how you sign the card – “From?” “Love” or “Best”? “Yours Truly?”  She IS waiting to rip the card open! Write wisely.

#5. She says, “Oh honey, whatever we do is fine. I’ll be happy with anything.” = A Trap! Don’t fall prey to this, oh naïve men.

Interpret as, “You’d better know me well enough to know exactly what I want and plan the most elaborate dinner and Valentine’s evening every or ELSE….” (“or else” = ‘rewards’ taken away.)

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#6. All girls secretly want jewelry on Valentine’s Day– period.

All men secretly want sex on Valentine’s Day – period.

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#7. Most women will hold off on dumping a guy till after Valentine’s Day so they can see can see what kind of a gift and dinner they get.

Most guys will dump a girl before Valentine’s Day so they won’t have to get them dinner or a gift.

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#8. Sorry, Ladies. Your man isn’t making a mad dash to the flower shop to show you how much he cares. The real reason he just dropped $400 on a dozen roses is because he enjoys the comfort of his bed and has no desire to sleep on the couch. They do it because they’re SCARED of what’s going to happen to them if they DON’T.

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#9. Woman receiving Jewelry = “He loves me. He cares!”

Man giving Jewelry = “I’m hoping I’ll get a 3-way tonight.”

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#10. The more expensive and ridiculous the display of roses, teddy bears, or flowers, and the more people are around to see it, the happier she’ll be. She wants to show off the biggest thing possible to as many people as possible.

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#11. Post-Valentine’s Day, Woman’s thoughts: “I wish Valentines Day was every day…”

Post-Valentine’s Day, Man’s thoughts: “I emptied my bank account on Valentine’s Day, and all I got was this lousy stuffed animal.”

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And Truth #12…   If you FORGET the V-day = Forget the V-Jay-Jay.

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The #1 Romance Resolution you need to make!

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The Most Important New Year’s Resolution for your Relationship!

The Most Important New Year’s Resolution you need to make that will Transform your Relationship this Year

Most people who know or follow me know that I am very open about my family life growing up, the divorces I went through as a child and my mother’s three marriages, and how all those events and experiences have cultivated my gift of understanding relationships and led me to create my career as a Dating & Relationship Coach.  My experiences have inspired many blogs and articles about how to create successful and lasting relationships and prevent relationship failure, and there will of course be many still to come. But if I can sum up all the factors that make the difference between a happy, healthy relationship that succeeds and lasts, and one that fizzles and fails, I would say that one of the biggest secrets by far is… ROMANCE. Making Romance a priority, and keeping it alive – amidst kids, careers, and no matter how crazy your lives and schedules are. Listen to me when I tell you to NEVER underestimate the significance and power of romance.

So, the MOST IMPORTANT New Year’s resolution I want you guys to make this year – and really stick to – is the resolution to put effort into the romance of your relationship. A relationship needs romance to not only survive, but to thrive. Romance is the fuel for the fire of your relationship!

Romance is what brought you guys together and what inspired you to marry. If your relationship is in trouble, is stagnating, or isn’t quite what it could be or what it used to be, then ask yourself how the romance is currently in your relationship…and the answer will dictate where the problem lies.

Putting effort into romance means dressing up frequently for your partner and putting EFFORT into your appearance. What do you look like when your partner comes home from work? Ask yourself honestly; have you let yourself go since marrying or committing to your partner? Have you put on weight, stopped dressing up or stopped putting effort into your hair or appearance? Have you gotten too comfortable with your partner; stopped shaving, putting face masks on in front of them, going to the bathroom in front of them?

You want your partner to roll over in the morning and look at you and be THANKFUL that they choose YOU, every…single… day! You don’t want them to think, “Geez, I didn’t expect her/him to look like THIS after a few years,” or have regrets because you look different than when you first married. Your partner was initially attracted to you because you looked a certain way. If you look different now than when you did when they first met you, then you can’t expect them to feel the same level of attraction towards you. If you’ve put on weight since the beginning of the relationship, make a commitment to start losing it and getting back into shape. Turn back into the woman (or man) that they first fell in love with!

Putting effort into romance means creating excitement and stimulation in the relationship! It can be so easy to slip into a routine and fall into predictability. So it is your RESPONSIBILITY to keep the relationship EXCITING for both of you. What are you currently doing to create excitement?

SURPRISE your partner with random gifts and notes and things, such as leaving a random rose on their windshield before they leave for work, or put chocolate kisses in their pocket or purse. Create anticipation and sexual tension by exchanging sexy test messages or emails throughout the day. Greet your partner in high-heels and lingerie and their favorite beverage when they arrive home. Create and act out fantasies with your partner. Try having sex in a position or a new place other than your bed for Pete’s sake.

A relationship needs ongoing sexual stimulation in order to sustain the attraction, and men especially need a high level of novelty and fantasy in their relationship or else their attraction begins to fade with their wife or girlfriend and their eyes start looking elsewhere. So ladies, it is especially crucial that you constantly maintain this and keep them stimulated! If you don’t put effort into keeping things fresh and novel, you are likely to drift into feeling like you’re roommates rather than lovers.

Putting effort into the romance also means making TIME for the romance and making it a priority. Let me make a correction, I mean making it one of your very TOP priorities, right up there with finances and children… Not one that you shuffle down to the bottom of the list whenever something else pops up. You NEED to make your romance a necessity, a priority.

You can’t expect a flower to live and grow unless you nurture and care for it every day. You have to nurture your romance every day – not just when you have time, or once a week. No matter how busy you get, spend at least 30 minutes a day connecting alone. If that means closing th3e bedroom doors when the kids are home, do it. Kiss your partner – like you mean it – at least once a day. Better yet, put aside at least 10 minutes of ‘Make-Out Time’ every day, and stick to it. Don’t go through the day without looking in your partners eyes and genuinely connecting. Really think about who that person is that you’re looking at, and why you love them so much. Who is this person that you’re living with? Who is this person that’s such a big part of your life? You need to remind yourself and each other each day why you chose each other and why you love each other or your connection will gradually begin fading and you’ll wake up one day and feel like you’re living with a stranger. Connect and feel your partner’s energy every day.

So please, if there’s one New Year’s resolution that you make and stick to this year of 2010, please, please make me happy and let me sleep at night by making a solemn promise to make romance a priority in your relationship or marriage. Make the resolution to put daily effort into the romance of your relationship this year – no excuses. And by the end of next year, I want you to report back to me and tell me what happens. I guarantee you will have a transformed relationship and you will be thanking me – and yourself- for doing it!

**Need any help, Coaching or Ideas for rejuvenating the romance and novelty in your relationship or marriage? Contact me to inquire about my custom Relationship or Marriage Coaching for couples, or better yet sign up for my 2-Day Relationship Breakthrough Sessions which are designed to transform, strengthen and Rejuvenate your relationship or marriage or SAVE a relationship that’s in trouble or stagnating!

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YOUR Dating Resolutions for 2010!

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Ah, It’s a New Year. And at the risk of sounding cliche, it’s time for a new and improved You. The theme is personal growth and positive change. If you’re single, I can bet that you probably have done things this past year in your dating life that just didn’t work. You probably dating some people that were wrong for you and made some mistakes that you don’t want to repeat. But we all know that if you’re not where you want to be, you need to figure out what’s not working and change it if you want different results. As the saying goes, “If you’ve done what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.” Or in other words, they say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. So now, as you begin on a nice, clean slate in the new year, resolve to let THIS be the year you finally make the right changes once and for all and find the love that you’re looking for. Based on top lessons from clients I’ve observed throughout the year and the things I’ve found to be the biggest reasons for singles getting stuck in a rut and not finding success in their dating life, I’ve compiled a list of 10 resolutions for you to make in your dating life that if you stick to them and live out, will make the difference in your dating life and rapidly accelerate your search for finding and attracting The One. So make these resolutions this year, and notice the different results you get. I want a full report people!

1. Get ACTIVE, and Put yourself OUT there! Stop making excuses for yourself to not truly put yourself out there. Just like anything that you’ve gotten in your life, getting the relationship you want or an active dating life takes you getting out of your house, going OUT there, and putting time, effort and commitment into it every week, a little bit a day. And whatever excuses you have that’s preventing you from fully putting yourself out there, do whatever you need to do to eliminate them as roadblocks now. If it’s that extra weight you’ve got that’s hindering your confidence or holding you back, then put an action plan into place to shed those pounds beginning now. If it’s lack of confidence or dating or attraction skills that are keeping you in your comfort zone, seek out the resources or advice you’re looking for and acquire the skills, so it isn’t a problem anymore. (By the way, many of those roadblocks can be easily eliminated with Hypnosis. Hypnosis is extremely effective at quickly and permanently resolve common issues such as: Weight loss, Quitting Smoking, Improving Self-Confidence, Eliminating Anxiety, Increasing Motivation, and others. For rapid results I recommend starting the new year off with a Hypnosis session or package of 3 to eliminate all those issues that have held you back once and for all so you can finally achieve your relationship! The 90-Day Love Attraction Coaching Plan includes Hypnosis. Contact me for details.) So starting January 1^st, get off your butt. No more excuses.
   

1. Change your Mindset toward Dating. Make Dating FUN! Stop focusing on all the lack of available men, women and opportunities there are and start focusing on all the abundance of great singles there are – and you’ll attract more of it. Don’t dwell on how frustrating dating is or think of dating like a chore and instead think of dating as a fun ADVENTURE, where anything can happen along the way! Relax and enjoy the journey, start doing things you enjoy and it will BE more enjoyable for you. Adopt the mindset that I use that there  “Is NO such thing as Failure -  only Feedback!”

1. Decide what you want, make a List, and stick to it! Stop dating blindly. Don’t waste more than 3 dates on people that don’t fit your criteria. At this point, if you’re serious about finding “The One,” and you’re sick of dilly-dallying around, you need to figure out exactly what you want – as well as what you don’t want. What are your “Must-Have” criteria and requirements? What are your “Deal-Breakers?” You need to have more than just a flimsy mental list, take some time and write them out and make a list of at least 10 of these non-negotiable criteria for what you must have and won’t settle for. Then make a commitment to use these lists as your barometer that you compare all your dates to. Find out if they meet those requirements within the first 3 dates, and do not continue dating them past 3 dates if they don’t – no matter how hot, rich, or sexy they are!

1. Develop and execute a “Dating Strategy Plan” for your ideal relationship. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. Never is that saying more applicable – yet underused – than in your dating life. Would you start your own business without a Business Plan? Would you travel across the country without a Roadmap? Hell no. What does YOUR Relationship Attraction Plan look like?  Based on your criteria and requirements for what you’re looking for in a partner, map out specifically where you will go, what you will do and when you will go to find and meet people that fit those criteria. What groups or clubs or activities will you sign up for? What places, events or venues will you go to during the week, and when? Map it out, create an actual plan and schedule for your weeks, and print it out and hang it up where you will see it every day.

1. Practice ASSERTIVENESS. How are you going to get what you want if you don’t know how to ask for it? Make a commitment to state your requests, stop expecting people to read your mind or instinctively know what you want. ASK for what you want – with people you’re dating, in the bedroom, and in life – and you will get what you want.

1. If you want a partner, BE a partner. You can’t expect to find and attract someone who has all these qualities that you personally do not have. In order to find the perfect partner for you, you need to make sure that YOU have all the qualities yourself that you’re looking for in a partner and are living the life that you want, or are actively working towards it.

1. Be the “CHOOSER.” Stop getting into relationships just because someone wants you really bad or aggressively pursues you. I know it can be very flattering when someone wants us and pursues us, but if you’re not really feeling them or they don’t meet your criteria, remember that YOU have the ultimate choice and YOU need to choose them. Just because someone chooses you doesn’t mean you have to choose them.

1. FLIRT! If you want to rapidly open the floodgates and fill your pipeline up with a continuous flow of prospects, you need to master the art of flirting. Get good at flirting, Flirt often and everywhere. Smile whenever you talk to people, make lots of eye contact and be playful and teasing. Flirting creates more opportunities and allows you to capitalize on the opportunities you get.

1. Master your First Impression. First impressions MATTER. Within the first 3 seconds of a new encounter…we are judged and evaluated, and you make an indelible impression. Depending on your physical appearance and attire, you will either intrigue and attract someone, or turn them off. So if 3 seconds can determine your fate on a date, and can make or break your opportunity with someone…wouldn’t it make sense to do everything you can to control YOUR first impression, and make sure that it’s the best impression possible. You never know who you will meet and when, so dress like you’re about to meet the love of your life every date and put your best face forward. Don’t cut corners. Paying attention to the details of your first impression – like having a clean car, ironing your clothes, spritzing on fragrance or doing your make-up at home rather than rushing in the car on your way over there – will pay off.

1. Stop settling for the “BTN” Guy or Girl. You know you’re guilty of it -  the “Better Than Nothing” relationship. Heck, everyone gets lonely from time to time when they’re single; it’s inevitable. But stop getting into relationships or dating people that you know are below your criteria or aren’t right for you just because they’re “better than being alone.” It may seem like a short-term fix for you but its far worse in the long run and ends up wasting far more time and emotional energy, and it will cause you more pain than good.

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What to get your new BF/GF for Christmas?!

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Holiday Gift Giving Do’s and Don’ts for Couples

Ok, it’s Christmas time and time for the big question- what oh what to get your partner? As you’ve probably experienced at some point or another, gift-giving can be a stressful freakin’ experience, especially if you’re in a new relationship and it’s your first gift. A gift can either ’seal the deal’ or take your relationship up notch if it’s right on the money… or it can take you down and get your arm chewed off if it’s off-base. Women especially can be tricky, so I do feel for you men. But have no fear, DeAnna is here to make your Holiday a heck of a lot easier so you don’t have to find yourself running around the mall on Christmas eve sweating bullets. Whether you’ve only been dating a few weeks or it’s been a few years, here are my tips to keep in mind that’ll win them over and keep you from making embarrassing gift faux pas.

Gift-Giving Don’ts:

Top worst or most awkward gifts from Guys to their Lady: Avoid these!

1. No Vacuums, Tupperware, or appliances (especially kitchen appliances!) Even if it’s the “top of the line” model that looks all nifty.

2. No Soaps, bath soaps and body lotions (very cliche, body lotions like ‘Sweat Pea & Cucumber’ from Bath & Body Works is like token ‘last minute gift’ for a woman )

3. No clothes, swimsuits or lingerie in the early stages of dating (if you’ve only been dating her a few months, chances are you don’t know her exact tastes and measurements yet, so it’s risky to buy these items. A common faux pas is guys buying lingerie that’s either too big or too small – both are insulting!)

4. No running shoes or work out attire (so un-romantic, plus they can send the wrong message – Exhibit A: “So are you saying that I’m fat?! What are you trying to tell me??”)

5. No gift certificates! I know you’re thinking, “I’d rather just give her something that she really wants, so why don’t I just giver her a gift certificate so she can get herself the perfect gift?” But no no no, you’re thinking way too practical!  Giving us a piece of paper is a sure-fire way to make us frown and feel like you don’t care. We interpret it as = No thought, impersonal, last-minute gift, RE:  “He must not know/love/care about me!”

Top Worst gifts for Ladies to give their Guys: Avoid these…

1.    Stuffed animals (even if it’s doused in your perfume) They don’t have any “use” for them like girls do.

2.    No photo albums or scrapbooks (especially of your ‘future children’) Scares the bejesus out of most guys unless you’ve been together for a very loong time.

3.    No expensive pens or flashlights (”Gee…Thanks”)

4.    No aftershave, Electric shaver, Electric Nose-hair Trimmer or things related to shaving (where did women get the idea that this is romantic or cool? Let them buy their own shavers.)

5.    No underwear, socks or fancy Boxers. (This is just awkward – his mom is the only woman, if any, that should be buying him that)

Gift-Giving DO’s

Best gifts for Guys to Give your Woman: Woman want items that are personal, romantic, and that show possession and thought. Such as…

1.    Jewelry (it never goes out of style, it’s always a safe bet, and if you think it’s “cliche” well guess what? It’s cliche for a reason – it works! We love it! We want it!  It shows you care! )  A pendant, tennis bracelet, Tiffany’s, (But it’s a good idea to START with a bracelet or pendant, especially one that’s a birthstone, then you have other things to build up to like a diamond pendant or bracelet, and hold off on a ring unless it’s thee ring!) We want jewelry from you because every time we wear it, we think of you, and we smile and feel all warm and fuzzy inside about you.

2.    Designer Perfume or Purse - like Michael Korrs, Dolce Gabana, BVULGRI). Again, even though it isn’t jewelry, it shows ‘possession’ because every time we wear it and smell it we think of you and we are “wearing” a reminder of you all the time, which makes us feel closer to you! If you want to get a gift that’s a safe bet, don’t burden yourself by frantically struggling to devise the most creative gift possible, which may or may not even work for us anyway, just go with what works and get her jewelry or perfume! Purses are more casual and less personal, but good if you want an alternate gift. Go with Coach or Louis Vuitton.

3.    Anything Creative, Romantic, Personal or Sentimental - Examples: a burned CD with your love songs on it, Scrapbook of photos, a personalized bracelet, necklace, or anything engraved or personalized, naming a star after her (if you’ve been together for a while)

4.    Fine Chocolates, Roses, cute Stuffed Animals, Almond Champagne and/or a sweet Love letter is a great small gift if you’ve just started seeing each other or perfect complimentary accent items to your main gift.

5.   A “Surprise Getaway,” or Reserving dinner and a room or romantic suite somewhere either local or away for the night.

Best Gifts for Girls to give their Man:

1.    Useful gadgets (PDA, a business card scanner, iPod, iPhone, a GPS system, etc.)

2.    Intimate or Boudour photos, Custom-made mug or Calendar starring YOU

3.    A homemade “Coupon Book” – be creative with the coupons!

4.    Sports tickets or memorabilia, Concert tickets

5.    An engraved chrome or silver flask or dog-tag

When in doubt, some quick guidelines to remember:

• For guys especially – ask around! Don’t blindly guess; if you aren’t sure about a gift or what she would like, ask her close friends or family and get their input – that’s a pretty sure-fire way to get a gift that’s on-target.

• Establish a budget range before-hand. Talk to each other and establish a budget or at least a range that you both will stay in, so that one person doesn’t end up spending way to much or too little, which could make for an embarrassing situation.

• Add the personal touches. Be sure to wrap them, wrap them yourself, and do not forget about a card! To us women, the card is a very important part of the gift, almost as important as the gift itself, that you should not skip over! (Oh and guys, that means write in the card – don’t just sign your name under the Hallmark text. Write your own note in addition.)

• If you’re going to buy clothes, be absolutely certain of their size and style. Avoid getting sizes that are way too big or small, or something they’ll never wear.

• Don’t “Re-gift” anything!

• Women = Personal, Men = Practical. A great rule of thumb for men and women’s gifts is, for women, think “Personal,” for men’s gifts, think “Practical!”

Any other questions? Just ask me!

Good Luck!

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Why Tiger Cheated: My Analysis of Men in Power

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Now that the Tiger Woods affair is officially out of the bag and I’ve gotten over my initial shock and disgust, it does shed light on some important issues of infidelity and monogamy that beg exploring further. Why did he do it, especially with such a “perfect” life and wife? The fact that he could cheat on a beautiful former model makes no woman safe, and raises questions from women like, “Well if he could cheat on HER, then men will cheat on anyone!”  Well after taking a stab on the situation myself, I’ve broken down my analysis of the reasons why Tiger, and most men, cheat on their beautiful women, in hopes that you’ll take the learning lessons from them and contemplate yourself.

1. Power & Success. The man’s level of success and power is the first major factor that’s at play here. The more powerful and successful the man is, the more attractive he is to women and the greater the abundance of women and options he has right at his fingertips. Add to that this continuous inflow of women and affection feeds their power and ego even further, so they literally become addicted to the attention, and being completely faithful to just one woman simply deprives them of that.
2. Opportunity. Opportunity is everywhere for these men in power, with beautiful women and sex being constantly thrown in their face. They may even rationalize it by thinking, “If I say yes to only 1 out of every 500 women that pushes themselves on me…That’s pretty good!”
3. Self-Sabatoge. It’s been seen time and time again with celebrities, from Britney Spears to Mel Gibson to Michael Jackson, and recognized even more clearly by relationship experts like myself – the pattern of sabotaging one area of your life when everything else is going successfully, even at it’s peak. Cheating is one of those things that is largely the manifestation of this self-sabatoge, on the more successful the person is, and the more they have to lose, unfortunately, the more often we tend to see these types of behaviors show up.
4. Boredom at home: The women that these powerful men are married to need to realize the fact that these men have such an abundance of women and opportunities all the time, so they can make sure they step up their level of excitement and variety at home. They need to be extra cautious not to fall into the trap of letting themselves get “too comfortable” and gaining weight, slipping into predictable routines, and neglecting the romance. Exhibit A:  Jennifer Anniston vs. Angelina Jolie.
5. Challenge: Men often cheat to gain some of the excitement and challenge back that they lost since entering into a monogamous relationship.  People often make the mistake of wrapping their whole worlds around their partner, expressing their love and commitment to them freely and as a result, diminishing any sense of challenge left for their partner. Even though a woman may be a celebrity and a beautiful one at that, she is still subject to this same crime and therefore prone to creating the same outcome with her man. If she loses herself in him and gives him no challenge at all, no matter how beautiful she is, he will still eventually wonder if he settled and be turned on by a woman who gives him more of a chase.

These are some of the most common reasons why men cheat, and why I personally feel like Tiger cheated. Read em, learn from ‘em…and Post your Comments and Thoughts!

Recent Comments

John Campbell
From a biological standpoint – long story short. men are hard wired to want to empregnate as many attracive young women as they can. attractive/young = healthy= they will carry their offspring and raise it so there will be tons of little john does running around. that said, humans – having evolved a little realize have a “nuclear family” is … See Morebeneficial for raising kids in a society (vs. the wild). so, for a orderly society, the man should stick around and tiger is lame. celebrities don’t live in society, so they think they are excluded from those rules. jerks, just don’t care about society.
Tue at 9:01pm · Delete

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How do you Increase Connection & Chemistry?

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Reader Question:

How do you Increase your Connection & Chemistry on First Dates?

Dear DeAnna,
Can you control the amount of chemistry and attraction on a date? What can you do to ’speed up’ a connection?  What inspired me to ask this recurring question is because of something that has happened to me quite a lot – I went on two different dates last week; One with an Italian guy – Handsome, tall, intelligent, and funny. We had a great dinner and had a nice and cordial date but didn’t really feel a real connection or what people call “chemistry.”  Then, two days later, I had another date with another man, Paul. Now Paul was just the opposite, and looks-wise shorter and not even normally my type that I’m attracted to… But, I definitely felt the connection and chemistry and woke up the next day feeling “Wow! I want to see him again!”  My a-hah! moment was that it seems like how tall or handsome or beautiful someone is doesn’t necessarily guarantee chemistry or attraction, and oftentimes I’m surprised by which dates result in a connection and which dates fall flat. So it makes me wonder DeAnna, what DOES create “chemistry,” what factors are involved in creating a connection and can one consciously control that level of “spark” on a date?? Please enlighten us!
~Gina; 35, Orange County CA

DeAnna’s Answer:

Dear Gina,

First of all, GREAT question indeed! And it’s one that I’m sure has ran through lots of my reader’s minds at one point or another. This “connection” and “chemistry” that you speak of and that we all know, is essentially all wrapped under the general umbrella of the beautiful art and science of “Attraction,” which I coach clients on heavily & write  frequently about the topic because I find it so fascinating. So, the short answer to your question is – YES, you can control the level of attraction and chemistry created on your dates and interactions with the opposite sex, at least to a certain extent. There are numerous factors & components involved in creating attraction, (as well as in destroying it) so it’s extremely wise to understand how it works and what those critical components are, so that you can control those things that are within your control and maximize the level of attraction and connection that’s created in any given situation. And, as you’ll read below, the funny thing is that physical appearances have actually very little to do with attraction & chemistry.

Again, there’s simply too much information on the topic to break it all down for you right here right now, but I’m going to share with you 5 of those key components that are at play whether you realize it or not that are powerfully influencing your attraction and “chemistry” you have with someone, either positively or negatively. And the good news is, all of these 5 factors are things YOU have control over! So why not make ‘em work in your favor? (PS If you’re interested in hearing a lot more details about this topic, listen in on my Free Teleseminar next Tuesday: “Secrets of Irresistible Attraction & Personal Magnetism” or you can sign up for my 90-Day Love-Attraction Coaching Plan)

Okay here we go, in no particular order…

1. The Atmosphere & Ambiance:

Set up the Atmosphere & Ambiance in your Favor: If you have control over the ambiance and atmosphere that you will be meeting someone in for the first time….DO it and be strategic about it!  5 things you can do to set up or control your environment to create the greatest amount of attraction are:

• Dark, dimly lit places and rooms with candles.

• Places with “sexy” colors, decor and lighting – Like reds, hot pinks and fuchsia’s, electric blues. (Refer to pics below for examples!) There’s a reason why there’s so much hooking up going on in those swanky clubs in Vegas. Okay, I guess there’s multiple reasons.

• Alcohol on the premises. Now hear me out before there’s an uproar, I’m not suggesting you turn into a lush or you jump back on the wagon (or is it “off the wagon”? RE: Seinfeld episode) if you’re a recovered alcoholic, but I’ll call a spade a spade and say that, in moderation, alcohol does typically help increase your odds by relaxing and calming any pre-date nerves, creating more fluidity in conversations (and thus less awkwardness) and accelerating bonding. Drink responsibly.

• Opt for Unique, Lesser-Known Hole-in-the-Wall places rather than generic chain restaurants. Doing a little research and taking her (or him) to a lesser-known spot that they’ve never been to pays off as it increases the excitement for them and the surprise factor of going to a place they’ve never been to before. Just make sure that YOU have adequately scoped it out beforehand.

• Sit close to each other and at a right-angle rather than sitting directly across from each other, if you can control it. Studies have shown that if you sit kitty-corner from each other it creates more attraction than sitting directly across, and it allows for more intimacy as well. Also, if your server is leading you to a table that looks like it could belong in King Arther’s pad, attempt to veto it and ask if they have anything smaller available so you don’t have to shout to pass the salt.

• Background Music: Have soft music playing in the background, or go to a place that does, rather than being in an atmosphere that’s dead silent. On the flip side, the music shouldn’t be so loud that you have to scream at one another; that’s no bueno either.

So in sum, boys and girls…avoid bright, open popular chain restaurants with stark overhead lighting, no alcohol and kids running around… Dark and cozy unique restaurants with candles, privacy, and flowing carafes of wine – GOOD!

2.    Self-Disclosure:

Have the Right Amount of Self-Disclosure & Vulnerability. There needs to be at least some self-disclosure and opening up on both parties during the date in order to pass through the level from acquaintance to attraction and create a real connection. If you keep your answers too short and simple and never offer up any real personal information, then your date won’t feel comfortable doing so either – and two strangers in the night you will remain. If you’re trying to create a ‘perfect’ image and worry that any self-disclosure on your part will jeopardize your date’s perfect vision of you, well then good luck to you because you’re never going to experience a true connection.

How do you strike the balance between too little and too much self-disclosure? Well, the key is to share a little bit of information at a time, keep the content appropriate, and keep the amount of information you share fairly equal between the two of you. So in other words, you don’t want to share your whole life story with them if they’ve only shared a few things about their family. You also want to keep whatever it is you’re sharing positive and confident. For instance you don’t want to talk about your creepy Uncle Ted or your painful divorce or your abusive childhood or previous mental illnesses. Share a few personal stories or unique things about yourself here and there if relevant, and maybe disclose some information about your family, where and how you grew up, career paths, and other similar topics.

Be able to be honest and vocalize what you want – in your life, in a relationship, and in a partner, if asked. But at least for the first 3 dates, avoid disclosing depressing things or things that may cast you in a negative or unflattering light, (please, you don’t need to tell your date about your Irritable Bowel Syndrome or your recent string of horrible dates, nor your bankruptcy issues or cheating past – for now at least), avoid gushing your feelings about your date and showering them with compliments, and really just don’t say things that will make you sound loser-y or desperate, is that so hard? Don’t be too much of an open book and don’t be too closed; retain the element of mystery, and start off light before progressing to heavier topics.

3. Conversation Quality:

Get your Conversations past the surface level & to the ‘Attraction Level!’ This is very important if you want to make it past the ‘Friend Zone.’ Most people who get stuck in the Friend Zone, often do so because the content of their conversations remain at a surface-level. While they remain polite and positive, they don’t ever really penetrate past the surface into the next level, which is necessary to bond and create intimacy. Think about your conversations on a previous date that didn’t end up working out. Was it mostly just ‘small talk’ or polite chit-chat that might resemble a conversation you had with someone you sat next to on a plane?

Or if in doubt, you can always use my “Brother/Sister Swap Test.” The next time you’re on a date with someone, or looking back on a previous date, ask yourself, if you could imagine swapping your date for your brother or sister, would it have felt icky due to the nature of your conversations and your body language, etc., or would that have been just fine? Meaning, when you’re attracted to a guy or girl, your body language, energy and communication should be noticeably different than the body language, energy and communication you use when having a conversation with your brother or sister (or, one would hope at least). Assuming we’re not Jerry Springer here, the former should be more open, inviting and flirtatious. The way that so many people fall into the Friend Zone is, well, just that – the energy they project & their conversation content is pretty much like that of a friend or sister or brother. And the conversation content remains too surface and safe. Most people make the mistake of asking routine interview questions on dates such as “So, where did you spend most of your life? Where have you traveled to? What brought you to San Diego? What do you do at work? What other hobbies do you have?” etc… But these questions and conversation topics don’t stimulate the mind or senses or generate discussions.

Then you both walk away at the end of the date thinking, “Well, that was pleasant” or “Hmm…Nice date…Good conversation…Nice person… BUT…”  But what??

But…lacking that….

“SPARK!”  That’s right, that spark that fuels that thing we call chemistry and that we use to determine the potential of our dates. Surface-level conversation quality equals Swiftly-in-the-Friend-Zone. A lonely place that you know you don’t want to be.

So instead of asking questions that he or she can answer on autopilot in their sleep, stimulate your date’s mind! Get them thinking outside the box. Challenge them, Get into some debates; bring up interesting topics or current events or hot issues or celebrity gossip. Don’t be so worried about playing it safe; the only thing you need to worry about is NOT being a cliché, and NOT being like every other person your date’s gone out with. Don’t be lame or boring by asking lame or boring questions. Get them excited or passionate about something; ask questions that incite creativity or brainstorming and that create an energy flow between you.

Here are some questions and topics that actually stimulate your date’s brain:

• “If you had to be stuck somewhere in the world for 60 days, where would it be?
• What would you love to accomplish by the time you are 50?
• Where do you think the sexiest place in the world is?
• Let’s pretend that money were no object and you can create your ultimate 24-Hour romantic ‘Fantasy Date’ ….What would yours be?
• Who do you think the sexiest man in Hollywood is and the sexiest woman, and why?
• What’s the worst lie you’ve ever told?
• What’s the worst thing you got caught doing while growing up?
• What’s the craziest story you have while traveling to ____?

See what I mean? Be bold and fun! Ask questions that no one else has ever asked him/her. Just be different. And always be playful in your communication and don’t be afraid to tease and be sarcastic right from the get-go. Most men make the mistake of tiptoeing around potentially controversial or “un-safe” topics, or steering clear of them altogether, worrying about possibly ‘offending’ women if they tease or display sarcasm, so they err on the side of remaining polite and safe. But then guess what happens? You’ve tiptoed your way right out of a second date, because Mr. Safe Guy doesn’t spark any attraction for her and gets filed into the drawer as yet another nice-but-dull cliche who she’ll maybe call to go to an movie with sometime if she’s ever ridiculously bored and desperate. Yes, we’re women but where did you get the idea that we were so fragile that we couldn’t handle a little playfulness or joking? Instead, leave your mark on your date and mentally stimulate. (Sorry, couldn’t resist ; )

4.  Physical Contact:

Enhance Attraction through your Touch and Feel. Knock down your physical barriers (gently) through positive physical contact. It’s vital to initiate physical touch RIGHT from the get go. No, this doesn’t mean groping and feeling up on your date right away and this isn’t grounds for being a creep – but what I’m saying is that you want to get your date comfortable with your touch early on so gradually increased physical contact is welcomed and feels natural and good. If you’re a guy, start the date off right by giving her a hug and a light kiss on the cheek Euro-style right when you see her. The cheek-kiss is proper and tradition in most cultures anyhow so it will be universally received and most women even perceive the act as demonstrating class and sophistication, plus, it sets the backdrop for later… All good things you want.

Many men will barely touch the girl at all the entire first date (or two or three dates) and then, when they finally go in to put their arm around her or kiss her after not pre-establishing any physical touch, it feels all awkward and out of left field. You need to get comfortable with each other’s touch, and you need to let your date know that you’re a straight, sexual being fully capable of touching and kissing. This is definitely true for both men and women, but especially for men, the longer you wait to touch her and the less you do, the harder it is for her to imagine kissing you and being sexual with you (and FYI woman will also often start questioning your sexuality if you haven’t made any moves by the second date). The more frequently you touch her, the more she’ll see you as a romantic, sexual prospect and the more “sparks” your date will feel like you have.

Throughout the date, take opportunities to touch your date (in appropriate ways and places, of course)[disclaimer]. For instance, touch him on the arm as you compliment him on his shirt, put your hand on the small of her back as she walks in the door in front of you, touch his hand or shoulder when they say something funny or that you agree with, and so on. It’s equally important for men and women to touch several times throughout your date and also be comfortable with your date touching you (again…within reason, of course). So don’t stand with your hands in your pockets while they’re talking to you or have your arms crossed or your legs or body turned away from your date, which will stunt the intimacy process. Every time you touch your date, they get more and more comfortable with you and are more likely to return that touch- causing you to break down your physical intimacy barriers faster, enhancing your connection and accelerating the bonding process. So if you’re that guy or girl who’s just “not the touch-feely type,” well then I’ve got news for you – you’d better learn to be if you want get a second date.

5.    Masculine & Feminine Energy:

Strive for Balanced Masculine & Feminine Energies on the Date. In order to enhance attraction and increase the odds of a successful date you must maintain an appropriate balance of masculine and feminine energy. If a man projects too much feminine energy or the woman projects too much masculine energy, you’re going to throw off the balance and there’s going to be problems. I could go on all day detailing the differences between masculine and feminine energy and how to enhance yours because there’s a lot to it, but for right now some basic rules of thumb to follow are: Men, step up to the plate and take on your natural role of Man, Provider, Protector, Leader, Fixer. You let her know you can take charge and ‘Be the Man’ by planning the first few dates for her or giving her options A and B. Be assertive throughout the date and handle most of the communication with the waiter or server. Anticipate her needs and desires and take care of them before she even has to voice them.

For instance, if you see that her drink is nearly empty, tell the waiter to refill her drink or ask her if you can get her a refill. Ask her what she’d like to drink immediately after sitting down (or the first time the waitress comes over). Women usually feel uncomfortable being the one to suggest ordering a drink, but believe me, 9 out of 10 times they definitely want one, and they want it fast, as they are usually nervous and can’t wait for a drink in hand to take the edge off. But, we don’t want to come across as a lush being the proper ladies that we are so we will be festering inside for every 5 minutes you make us sit there and wait and we’ll be rejoicing inside for those men who sit right down and say, “How about we get some drinks started!” If you’re eating outside and there’s a chance she might be cold, as the waiter to sit you near a heat lamp or offer her your sweater. If you see her eyeing the molten chocolate lava cake across the room, suggest that you order one to share. And when the bill comes, for Christ’s sake GRAB it & take care of it immediately. Gosh forbid you let it sit there chilling on the table, while we writhe in awkwardness with every moment that goes by with it glaring at us – and pay the bill quietly and gracefully without busting out your glasses or calculator, price-checking every item, or asking her for money. (And please, please no coupons! I don’t care of her lobster was $60 and she only took four bites, you can cry in your pillow later but now’s not the time).

(Also, if the girl does a ‘Fake Reach-in-the-Purse,’ when the bill comes, that’s as good as an honest offer but you should still turn her down for the first few…)

Express strength and leadership through your energy throughout the date. And women, if you want to be treated like the special lady that you are, LET him be and do these things, and let him be the more dominant, masculine role, while you remain primarily in your feminine energy, which is softer and more passive. Avoid coordinating the plans or reservations for the first few dates, resist “one-upping” him in conversations, competing over career status, beating him in darts, smashing him in a political debate, paying the tab, or driving…unless you want to be treated like one of his buddies. When you simply allow your core feminine and masculine energy to flow naturally and embrace your primary roles and strengths instead of fighting them, you’ll create a much more attractive, balanced dynamic and will bring out each sex’s best traits, the way we were designed to, creating a truly harmonic bond and intense chemistry.

Be conscious of these key attraction factors and notice the difference in your interactions starting today! And, as always, report back to me with your feedback : )

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How to Meet the Parents & Survive the Holiday!

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How to “Meet the Parents” & Pass the Holidays with Flying colors!

Meeting the family of your new girlfriend/boyfriend for the first time? Spending a holiday with them and need tips for not only surviving it unscathed but wowing their pants off and coming out of it with a trophy for Boyfriend/Girlfriend of the Year?” Relax – I’ve come to the rescue to save your holiday. Would I leave you hanging? Read this handy guide I put together for you complete with unforeseen hidden “tests” – and take copious notes!

1.    Get the inside scoop beforehand. This is very important. Before you even go over there, talk to your partner about the family and event dynamics so you can prep yourself for success. Ask your partner who they expect will be there, get their names and descriptions, and ask for some details on key people so you can be better equipped to start conversations and you can namedrop details here and there. For instance, is cousin Eric the Guitar Hero pro? Does Aunt Maria make the best stuffing west of the Missisipi? Did Uncle Jim just recently achieve a company award or did sister Stacy just come back from a trip from France? Get a couple details down, and you’ll be sure to impress when you namedrop them upon meeting them. You can also ask you partner if there’s anything you should know about the dynamics of the family and event. For instance, should you be prepared to answer 20 questions from Dad? Should you walk lightly on the topic of work around Eric who recently lost his job? Should you not ask about Aunt Gina’s relationship because it’s “sensitive?” Etc. Again, if you know these things beforehand you can avoid potentially embarrassing and awkward situations that can leave you quickly outside the “circle of trust.”
2.    Dress Up, dress CLASSY & dress Conservative. Okay, I know a freshly starched button-down collared shirt or tapered dress isn’t half as comfortable as jeans and a T or your tattered punk clothes, SUCK IT UP and ‘suit up!’ This isn’t a time for cutting corners and opt for comfort, or to rebel against yuppies by expressing your “individual style” with “emo” pants or nose rings a la Adam Lambert. No matter what kind of family it is, even if you’re visiting a family that lives in a farm, as a general rule of thumb, as my mother so lovingly engrained in me, “It’s always better to overdress than under-dress.” Select your outfit for the big day a few days beforehand and make sure you get the stamp of approval from your partner so you can have time to go shopping for some new threads in case it doesn’t get the thumbs up.

Your goal is to fit in with the family’s style as much as possible. You can’t really go wrong with a button-down collared shirt and khakis, black slacks or nice jeans. For women, this isn’t the time to let the fam see how sexy you can look or show off your newly-tanned midriff. The look you want to achieve is classy, wholesome, and conservative yet comfortable. Showing any midriff or cleavage or sporting your stilettos and a mini is like a kiss of death to man’s mother. Show him you’re the kind of girl he can bring home to momma by toning it down and wearing a cute and classy dress with a cardigan or nice pants and a sweater if it’s cold. Wear simple jewelry and tone down the makeup if you tend to wear a lot typically. If the holiday runs more than a day, pack a few extra outfits like a staple dress, some comfy loungewear, and a casual outfit. Be sure to pack a swimsuit as well(you don’t want to be the only fish out of the water if swimming’s on the menu, or worse, have to awkwardly borrow one of dad or mom’s swimsuit that’s 6 sizes too large).

3.    BRING something to the occasion – the token Guest Gift. This shows thoughtfulness, appreciation and class. You really can’t go wrong with a bottle of nice red or white wine (don’t go cheapo here, especially in case they’re wine connoisseurs – opt for a bottle in the $15-$40 range, it’s worth it). Pair it with a nice hand-written note thanking them for having you in their home, and perhaps even a small but thoughtful gift such as a plant or flowers. If you’re a woman, bring homemade cookies or dessert (or if you don’t cook, you can buy some, but homemade will give you extra ‘brownie points.”)
4.    Make sure you reach out and shake everyone’s hand when you see them, make sure you shake with your right hand and that your handshake is FIRM. If you already know you have a great handshake, then use it. If you aren’t sure (this is especially true for women, or men who haven’t been in business long) test it out on a trusted friend and get their honest feedback. For a man, your handshake should be firm and strong (but not a bone-crushing grip) and you should make direct eye contact while you’re doing so (especially if you’re shaking the father, brothers or uncle’s hand!). For a woman, your shake should still be firm (do NOT just shake with the tips of your fingers like a prissy princess, which exudes entitlement) but it should also bend a little in a natural, feminine way. Eye contact is very important. And remember their names when you shake their hand!

5.    Be extra mindful of your manners. I hate to state the obvious, but you’d be surprised how often these things slip when you’re not realizing it or when you’re so nervous about impressing the fam. As a reminder: Always say please and thank you, don’t get more than one course of food unless everyone else is (and always let family serve themselves first) and keep your space neat! This includes making your bed or the couch in the morning. Don’t sleep in – make sure you’re up at the same time or earlier as everyone else so you’re not known as “Sleepy Sam.”

6.   Offer to Help: Here’s another big one, and one that lots of mothers often test for (mine especially – this is considered a ‘red flag’ when someone’s poor date forgets to do this!). Offer to help whenever possible. So when they’re cooking the meal, go into the kitchen and ask if there’s anything you could do to help. When they start clearing dishes after the meal, get up and help them clear dishes or sincerely offer to help. Offer to help them clean up afterward or just pick up a sponge yourself and go at it.

7.    Bond with the family. Make sure you’re friendly and social and talk to every one of the family members (or at least make a genuine effort to).  Twelve-year-old cousin Nicky isn’t any less important and when others see you talking to every person, you’ll score major points. Spend a little time getting to know each person and asking about their interests, connecting with them on some level, and trying to find things in common or that you could offer your knowledge about or bond about. If you keep to yourself or just with your partner, others will definitely take notice and you’ll come across cold and anti-social. I don ‘t care if you’re shy or suffer from “social anxiety,” MAKE AN EFFORT. But of all people you’ll talk to, the key people that are the most important to bond with if you’re a woman are the mother, and sisters; and if you’re a guy, her father and brothers. These are the ‘Gate-keepers’! Some key pointers:

• a.    When talking to Brothers or Dad: Look them in the eye when you’re talking to them. Try to find out their interests and see if you guys have some things in common. Don’t dodge alone time with any of them, use it as an opportunity to bond. Pick up a pool stick and join them if that’s where the boys are or join them in poker or football.

• b.    Tests that they’re looking for: Make sure that if you get asked about your career or what your goals are or financial situation is, have a clear answer! Never answer with, “I don’t know yet” or “You know, I’m not sure what I want to do yet,” or “I haven’t figured it out yet, I’m just enjoying life right now,” or “I’m having some financial issues right now.” Her family, especially her father, wants to know you have a plan, goals, and financial stability. If you really are not sure what you want to do with your life and career and are in a transitory stage, better to rely with something like, “Well right now my options are A and B and I’m taking 3 months right now to figure out and decide which option will make me the happiest and allow me to create the best future and financial stability for me and my future family.” So that doesn’t sound like you’re just drifting, you want to still illustrate that you have some kind of plan and timeline in place which will ease their worries a bit and make you sound more responsible. If they ask you what some of your future goals are, say SOMETHING. Don’t just say, “I don’t know.” Men in particular when asking these kinds of questions are testing more for traits like decisiveness, responsibility, ambition and stability and the ability to plan rather than the content of your answers themselves.

• c.    For women, bond with the other women by: Joining them in the kitchen if that’s where the majority o the women are, and offering to cook and clean. Even if you’re more like “one of the guys” and prefer to be in the midst of the poker game and you can’t cook a casserole to save your life, at least spend some time to bond with the gals and gab, gossip, or whatever it is they do to fit in.

• d.    Tests that they’re looking for: Mothers and sisters are often testing for signs that you’ll make a good wife and mother to their son/brother. That’s why you should show your domestic side by lending a helping hand in the kitchen, and play a little with the baby if there’s one around, and, especially if you’re a power career-woman type, show them your soft side and let them know you’re not all about work. They’re also looking for signs that show you are loyal and committed for the long-haul and have strong values. Don’t dress or say anything skanky, don’t be inappropriately touchy-feely with your partner, and don’t correct them when they’re telling stories, and don’t nag them or redicule them in front of others. Don’t ever talk about them in a negative way or make complaints about them to any family members, even if they do. One of my uncles had a girlfriend that he was living with for 2 years, and although I really liked her, she would often talk to me or other family members about an argument they recently had or an issue they were having or how she was getting worried that he hadn’t proposed to her yet and would seek my opinions or advice on the matter. Not the best strategy girl! Don’t do this, even if you are really close and comfortable with the family. It puts the person you’re talking to in an awkward position and downright doesn’t look good on your part.

8.    Do as the Romans Do. In other words, FIT IN. If the family is playing football, go out to the field. If it’s their tradition to play Jenga or Scrabble after dinner, happily join in. Don’t try to get a jail out of free card because “you’re in heels” or you “just straightened your hair” or you’re “not a jock.” If you sit out on the sidelines, you stand out and you become the topic of conversation later as to why you refused to join in the family games and tradition. Again its one of those things that you just have to suck up and do if you want to get their approval.
9.    Be Easy & Easygoing. Don’t be too picky  or difficult with food or make strange demands or have people do extra things for you. If you’re a vegetarian or vegan, don’t request that they make you a separate vegetarian dish, unless they volunteer to. If the whole fam is drinking water don’t request a soda or request red wine if the rest of them are drinking white. Just go with the flow and roll with the punches. Now is not the time to have them cater to your ultra-picky demands or idiosyncrasies. Stay with your mission to fit in, and it’ll all be over before you know it.

10.    Conversation – strike a balance. Don’t be too quiet or know one will get to know you. But you also don’t want to dominate conversations or try too hard to be funny or outgoing, or it’ll turn others off. Talk less then your partner on the whole, and don ‘t go overboard with storytelling or jokes. Subtly is the key, you don’t need to be a one-man stand-up comedy show or the Life of the Party for them to like you. Show you have a sense of humor and that you’re sociable, but remember that this is their family and their holiday, and ultimately you are the outsider. So let them talk more and share stories and news, and know that you don’t need to add your two cents about everything or talk too much about yourself.  Avoid boasting and one-upping people. Also, if your partner has any news or recent accomplishments to share with the family, let your partner be the one to share it first; don’t do it for them. Don’t overstep your boundaries by acting like you’re already a part of the family when you’re still on the outside.

Final Tips to Seal the Deal:

• Thank them! Lastly, make sure you thank them again on your way out, give them a hug and let them know it was great meeting and spending time with them. Then seal the deal by sending a personal thank you card in the mail a few days later. Compliment them on their home when you walk in. say, “Wow, I love your home, it’s beautiful!” no matter if it’s a mansion or a shack. If you notice other details like their choices of art on the walls or the mother’s collection of lladros or drapes, notice and compliment them on those things as well and you’ll warm their heart and get on their good side. Avoid gushing and bearing over-the-top with compliments though or you’ll come across phony.

• Follow their “House Rules.” If the mother insists on you and your partner sleeping in separate rooms in the house even at age 42, just DO it, period, and don’t try to sneak around in the middle of the night (or get a hotel). There may be cameras set up. If it’s their tradition to wake up at 8 and do chores, don’t rebel against it by sleeping in, join them.

• Don’t get drunk. I know you’re nervous, but now’s not the time to pound shots and suck back tequila to loosen the nerves. Have a few drinks if that’s what the family’s doing, but keep your wits about you and avoid getting sloppy. Even if the 260 pound Marine Corp uncle is challenging you to see who could slam back more shots of Cuervo, know your limits and if you feel you’re getting close then politely refuse and take a water break. I remember a boyfriend I brought to Thanksgiving one year who ended up making an idiot of himself after 9 or 10 shots, swearing and slurring, “I just F’king love your daughter, she’s so F’king great, F’k!” Didn’t go over too well the next day. And then a poor girlfriend my brother brought one year who spent the second half of the evening curled up on the bathroom floor hugging the toilet seat. Don’t be that girl (or guy)!

Follow these guideline and you’ll be sure to breeze through the holiday with flying colors and get raving reviews immediately following!

-Copywrite 2009, DeAnna Lorraine

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