DeAnna Decodes Men & Women’s Secret VALENTINES Language!

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12 Hidden Truths about Valentine’s Day EXPOSED: Mens VS. Womens Valentine’s Experience!

By Dating Coach DeAnna Lorraine

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. Want to know what women and men are REALLY thinking, wishing and wanting when it comes to the big day?? Since I “hear it all”  from BOTH sexes, I’ve put together a handy survival guide that decodes common Valentine’s Day phrases and behaviors from girls and guys so you can really know what’s up this year and pass any hidden traps your with flying colors!

#1. It’s known to women as the ‘barometer’ of the relationship. Anything you do and say is a TEST and will reveal how you really feel about her and the relationship. Proceed cautiously and beware of danger traps!

#2. She’s secretly hoping that this is the time you will “prove” your true feelings to her. (Through grandiose romantic overtures, small black boxes with sparkly things inside, serenades and ridiculous displays of red roses.)

#3. It’s a major unspoken competition among women and their friends since the beginning of time – over who’s got the biggest rock, the prettiest roses, the most glamorous dinner, and most romantic (i.e. ‘generous’) boyfriend or husband. You’d better out-do Tony and Joe and make sure she WINS! If your girlfriend loses, YOU lose. And onto the sofa-bed you go.

(Side-note: She says, “Omigosh Sweetie, did you hear what Jessica’s boyfriend got her for Valentine’s?? How sweet!” = This is Code for: “Omigosh Sweetie, Did you see what you now have to do/buy for me so that I can do better than Jessica?? Listen up!”

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#4. She’s looking at how you sign the card – “From?” “Love” or “Best”? “Yours Truly?”  She IS waiting to rip the card open! Write wisely.

#5. She says, “Oh honey, whatever we do is fine. I’ll be happy with anything.” = A Trap! Don’t fall prey to this, oh naïve men.

Interpret as, “You’d better know me well enough to know exactly what I want and plan the most elaborate dinner and Valentine’s evening every or ELSE….” (“or else” = ‘rewards’ taken away.)

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#6. All girls secretly want jewelry on Valentine’s Day– period.

All men secretly want sex on Valentine’s Day – period.

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#7. Most women will hold off on dumping a guy till after Valentine’s Day so they can see can see what kind of a gift and dinner they get.

Most guys will dump a girl before Valentine’s Day so they won’t have to get them dinner or a gift.

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#8. Sorry, Ladies. Your man isn’t making a mad dash to the flower shop to show you how much he cares. The real reason he just dropped $400 on a dozen roses is because he enjoys the comfort of his bed and has no desire to sleep on the couch. They do it because they’re SCARED of what’s going to happen to them if they DON’T.

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#9. Woman receiving Jewelry = “He loves me. He cares!”

Man giving Jewelry = “I’m hoping I’ll get a 3-way tonight.”

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#10. The more expensive and ridiculous the display of roses, teddy bears, or flowers, and the more people are around to see it, the happier she’ll be. She wants to show off the biggest thing possible to as many people as possible.

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#11. Post-Valentine’s Day, Woman’s thoughts: “I wish Valentines Day was every day…”

Post-Valentine’s Day, Man’s thoughts: “I emptied my bank account on Valentine’s Day, and all I got was this lousy stuffed animal.”

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And Truth #12…   If you FORGET the V-day = Forget the V-Jay-Jay.

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The #1 Romance Resolution you need to make!

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The Most Important New Year’s Resolution for your Relationship!

The Most Important New Year’s Resolution you need to make that will Transform your Relationship this Year

Most people who know or follow me know that I am very open about my family life growing up, the divorces I went through as a child and my mother’s three marriages, and how all those events and experiences have cultivated my gift of understanding relationships and led me to create my career as a Dating & Relationship Coach.  My experiences have inspired many blogs and articles about how to create successful and lasting relationships and prevent relationship failure, and there will of course be many still to come. But if I can sum up all the factors that make the difference between a happy, healthy relationship that succeeds and lasts, and one that fizzles and fails, I would say that one of the biggest secrets by far is… ROMANCE. Making Romance a priority, and keeping it alive – amidst kids, careers, and no matter how crazy your lives and schedules are. Listen to me when I tell you to NEVER underestimate the significance and power of romance.

So, the MOST IMPORTANT New Year’s resolution I want you guys to make this year – and really stick to – is the resolution to put effort into the romance of your relationship. A relationship needs romance to not only survive, but to thrive. Romance is the fuel for the fire of your relationship!

Romance is what brought you guys together and what inspired you to marry. If your relationship is in trouble, is stagnating, or isn’t quite what it could be or what it used to be, then ask yourself how the romance is currently in your relationship…and the answer will dictate where the problem lies.

Putting effort into romance means dressing up frequently for your partner and putting EFFORT into your appearance. What do you look like when your partner comes home from work? Ask yourself honestly; have you let yourself go since marrying or committing to your partner? Have you put on weight, stopped dressing up or stopped putting effort into your hair or appearance? Have you gotten too comfortable with your partner; stopped shaving, putting face masks on in front of them, going to the bathroom in front of them?

You want your partner to roll over in the morning and look at you and be THANKFUL that they choose YOU, every…single… day! You don’t want them to think, “Geez, I didn’t expect her/him to look like THIS after a few years,” or have regrets because you look different than when you first married. Your partner was initially attracted to you because you looked a certain way. If you look different now than when you did when they first met you, then you can’t expect them to feel the same level of attraction towards you. If you’ve put on weight since the beginning of the relationship, make a commitment to start losing it and getting back into shape. Turn back into the woman (or man) that they first fell in love with!

Putting effort into romance means creating excitement and stimulation in the relationship! It can be so easy to slip into a routine and fall into predictability. So it is your RESPONSIBILITY to keep the relationship EXCITING for both of you. What are you currently doing to create excitement?

SURPRISE your partner with random gifts and notes and things, such as leaving a random rose on their windshield before they leave for work, or put chocolate kisses in their pocket or purse. Create anticipation and sexual tension by exchanging sexy test messages or emails throughout the day. Greet your partner in high-heels and lingerie and their favorite beverage when they arrive home. Create and act out fantasies with your partner. Try having sex in a position or a new place other than your bed for Pete’s sake.

A relationship needs ongoing sexual stimulation in order to sustain the attraction, and men especially need a high level of novelty and fantasy in their relationship or else their attraction begins to fade with their wife or girlfriend and their eyes start looking elsewhere. So ladies, it is especially crucial that you constantly maintain this and keep them stimulated! If you don’t put effort into keeping things fresh and novel, you are likely to drift into feeling like you’re roommates rather than lovers.

Putting effort into the romance also means making TIME for the romance and making it a priority. Let me make a correction, I mean making it one of your very TOP priorities, right up there with finances and children… Not one that you shuffle down to the bottom of the list whenever something else pops up. You NEED to make your romance a necessity, a priority.

You can’t expect a flower to live and grow unless you nurture and care for it every day. You have to nurture your romance every day – not just when you have time, or once a week. No matter how busy you get, spend at least 30 minutes a day connecting alone. If that means closing th3e bedroom doors when the kids are home, do it. Kiss your partner – like you mean it – at least once a day. Better yet, put aside at least 10 minutes of ‘Make-Out Time’ every day, and stick to it. Don’t go through the day without looking in your partners eyes and genuinely connecting. Really think about who that person is that you’re looking at, and why you love them so much. Who is this person that you’re living with? Who is this person that’s such a big part of your life? You need to remind yourself and each other each day why you chose each other and why you love each other or your connection will gradually begin fading and you’ll wake up one day and feel like you’re living with a stranger. Connect and feel your partner’s energy every day.

So please, if there’s one New Year’s resolution that you make and stick to this year of 2010, please, please make me happy and let me sleep at night by making a solemn promise to make romance a priority in your relationship or marriage. Make the resolution to put daily effort into the romance of your relationship this year – no excuses. And by the end of next year, I want you to report back to me and tell me what happens. I guarantee you will have a transformed relationship and you will be thanking me – and yourself- for doing it!

**Need any help, Coaching or Ideas for rejuvenating the romance and novelty in your relationship or marriage? Contact me to inquire about my custom Relationship or Marriage Coaching for couples, or better yet sign up for my 2-Day Relationship Breakthrough Sessions which are designed to transform, strengthen and Rejuvenate your relationship or marriage or SAVE a relationship that’s in trouble or stagnating!

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YOUR Dating Resolutions for 2010!

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Ah, It’s a New Year. And at the risk of sounding cliche, it’s time for a new and improved You. The theme is personal growth and positive change. If you’re single, I can bet that you probably have done things this past year in your dating life that just didn’t work. You probably dating some people that were wrong for you and made some mistakes that you don’t want to repeat. But we all know that if you’re not where you want to be, you need to figure out what’s not working and change it if you want different results. As the saying goes, “If you’ve done what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.” Or in other words, they say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. So now, as you begin on a nice, clean slate in the new year, resolve to let THIS be the year you finally make the right changes once and for all and find the love that you’re looking for. Based on top lessons from clients I’ve observed throughout the year and the things I’ve found to be the biggest reasons for singles getting stuck in a rut and not finding success in their dating life, I’ve compiled a list of 10 resolutions for you to make in your dating life that if you stick to them and live out, will make the difference in your dating life and rapidly accelerate your search for finding and attracting The One. So make these resolutions this year, and notice the different results you get. I want a full report people!

1. Get ACTIVE, and Put yourself OUT there! Stop making excuses for yourself to not truly put yourself out there. Just like anything that you’ve gotten in your life, getting the relationship you want or an active dating life takes you getting out of your house, going OUT there, and putting time, effort and commitment into it every week, a little bit a day. And whatever excuses you have that’s preventing you from fully putting yourself out there, do whatever you need to do to eliminate them as roadblocks now. If it’s that extra weight you’ve got that’s hindering your confidence or holding you back, then put an action plan into place to shed those pounds beginning now. If it’s lack of confidence or dating or attraction skills that are keeping you in your comfort zone, seek out the resources or advice you’re looking for and acquire the skills, so it isn’t a problem anymore. (By the way, many of those roadblocks can be easily eliminated with Hypnosis. Hypnosis is extremely effective at quickly and permanently resolve common issues such as: Weight loss, Quitting Smoking, Improving Self-Confidence, Eliminating Anxiety, Increasing Motivation, and others. For rapid results I recommend starting the new year off with a Hypnosis session or package of 3 to eliminate all those issues that have held you back once and for all so you can finally achieve your relationship! The 90-Day Love Attraction Coaching Plan includes Hypnosis. Contact me for details.) So starting January 1^st, get off your butt. No more excuses.
   

1. Change your Mindset toward Dating. Make Dating FUN! Stop focusing on all the lack of available men, women and opportunities there are and start focusing on all the abundance of great singles there are – and you’ll attract more of it. Don’t dwell on how frustrating dating is or think of dating like a chore and instead think of dating as a fun ADVENTURE, where anything can happen along the way! Relax and enjoy the journey, start doing things you enjoy and it will BE more enjoyable for you. Adopt the mindset that I use that there  “Is NO such thing as Failure -  only Feedback!”

1. Decide what you want, make a List, and stick to it! Stop dating blindly. Don’t waste more than 3 dates on people that don’t fit your criteria. At this point, if you’re serious about finding “The One,” and you’re sick of dilly-dallying around, you need to figure out exactly what you want – as well as what you don’t want. What are your “Must-Have” criteria and requirements? What are your “Deal-Breakers?” You need to have more than just a flimsy mental list, take some time and write them out and make a list of at least 10 of these non-negotiable criteria for what you must have and won’t settle for. Then make a commitment to use these lists as your barometer that you compare all your dates to. Find out if they meet those requirements within the first 3 dates, and do not continue dating them past 3 dates if they don’t – no matter how hot, rich, or sexy they are!

1. Develop and execute a “Dating Strategy Plan” for your ideal relationship. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. Never is that saying more applicable – yet underused – than in your dating life. Would you start your own business without a Business Plan? Would you travel across the country without a Roadmap? Hell no. What does YOUR Relationship Attraction Plan look like?  Based on your criteria and requirements for what you’re looking for in a partner, map out specifically where you will go, what you will do and when you will go to find and meet people that fit those criteria. What groups or clubs or activities will you sign up for? What places, events or venues will you go to during the week, and when? Map it out, create an actual plan and schedule for your weeks, and print it out and hang it up where you will see it every day.

1. Practice ASSERTIVENESS. How are you going to get what you want if you don’t know how to ask for it? Make a commitment to state your requests, stop expecting people to read your mind or instinctively know what you want. ASK for what you want – with people you’re dating, in the bedroom, and in life – and you will get what you want.

1. If you want a partner, BE a partner. You can’t expect to find and attract someone who has all these qualities that you personally do not have. In order to find the perfect partner for you, you need to make sure that YOU have all the qualities yourself that you’re looking for in a partner and are living the life that you want, or are actively working towards it.

1. Be the “CHOOSER.” Stop getting into relationships just because someone wants you really bad or aggressively pursues you. I know it can be very flattering when someone wants us and pursues us, but if you’re not really feeling them or they don’t meet your criteria, remember that YOU have the ultimate choice and YOU need to choose them. Just because someone chooses you doesn’t mean you have to choose them.

1. FLIRT! If you want to rapidly open the floodgates and fill your pipeline up with a continuous flow of prospects, you need to master the art of flirting. Get good at flirting, Flirt often and everywhere. Smile whenever you talk to people, make lots of eye contact and be playful and teasing. Flirting creates more opportunities and allows you to capitalize on the opportunities you get.

1. Master your First Impression. First impressions MATTER. Within the first 3 seconds of a new encounter…we are judged and evaluated, and you make an indelible impression. Depending on your physical appearance and attire, you will either intrigue and attract someone, or turn them off. So if 3 seconds can determine your fate on a date, and can make or break your opportunity with someone…wouldn’t it make sense to do everything you can to control YOUR first impression, and make sure that it’s the best impression possible. You never know who you will meet and when, so dress like you’re about to meet the love of your life every date and put your best face forward. Don’t cut corners. Paying attention to the details of your first impression – like having a clean car, ironing your clothes, spritzing on fragrance or doing your make-up at home rather than rushing in the car on your way over there – will pay off.

1. Stop settling for the “BTN” Guy or Girl. You know you’re guilty of it -  the “Better Than Nothing” relationship. Heck, everyone gets lonely from time to time when they’re single; it’s inevitable. But stop getting into relationships or dating people that you know are below your criteria or aren’t right for you just because they’re “better than being alone.” It may seem like a short-term fix for you but its far worse in the long run and ends up wasting far more time and emotional energy, and it will cause you more pain than good.

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What to get your new BF/GF for Christmas?!

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Holiday Gift Giving Do’s and Don’ts for Couples

Ok, it’s Christmas time and time for the big question- what oh what to get your partner? As you’ve probably experienced at some point or another, gift-giving can be a stressful freakin’ experience, especially if you’re in a new relationship and it’s your first gift. A gift can either ’seal the deal’ or take your relationship up notch if it’s right on the money… or it can take you down and get your arm chewed off if it’s off-base. Women especially can be tricky, so I do feel for you men. But have no fear, DeAnna is here to make your Holiday a heck of a lot easier so you don’t have to find yourself running around the mall on Christmas eve sweating bullets. Whether you’ve only been dating a few weeks or it’s been a few years, here are my tips to keep in mind that’ll win them over and keep you from making embarrassing gift faux pas.

Gift-Giving Don’ts:

Top worst or most awkward gifts from Guys to their Lady: Avoid these!

1. No Vacuums, Tupperware, or appliances (especially kitchen appliances!) Even if it’s the “top of the line” model that looks all nifty.

2. No Soaps, bath soaps and body lotions (very cliche, body lotions like ‘Sweat Pea & Cucumber’ from Bath & Body Works is like token ‘last minute gift’ for a woman )

3. No clothes, swimsuits or lingerie in the early stages of dating (if you’ve only been dating her a few months, chances are you don’t know her exact tastes and measurements yet, so it’s risky to buy these items. A common faux pas is guys buying lingerie that’s either too big or too small – both are insulting!)

4. No running shoes or work out attire (so un-romantic, plus they can send the wrong message – Exhibit A: “So are you saying that I’m fat?! What are you trying to tell me??”)

5. No gift certificates! I know you’re thinking, “I’d rather just give her something that she really wants, so why don’t I just giver her a gift certificate so she can get herself the perfect gift?” But no no no, you’re thinking way too practical!  Giving us a piece of paper is a sure-fire way to make us frown and feel like you don’t care. We interpret it as = No thought, impersonal, last-minute gift, RE:  “He must not know/love/care about me!”

Top Worst gifts for Ladies to give their Guys: Avoid these…

1.    Stuffed animals (even if it’s doused in your perfume) They don’t have any “use” for them like girls do.

2.    No photo albums or scrapbooks (especially of your ‘future children’) Scares the bejesus out of most guys unless you’ve been together for a very loong time.

3.    No expensive pens or flashlights (”Gee…Thanks”)

4.    No aftershave, Electric shaver, Electric Nose-hair Trimmer or things related to shaving (where did women get the idea that this is romantic or cool? Let them buy their own shavers.)

5.    No underwear, socks or fancy Boxers. (This is just awkward – his mom is the only woman, if any, that should be buying him that)

Gift-Giving DO’s

Best gifts for Guys to Give your Woman: Woman want items that are personal, romantic, and that show possession and thought. Such as…

1.    Jewelry (it never goes out of style, it’s always a safe bet, and if you think it’s “cliche” well guess what? It’s cliche for a reason – it works! We love it! We want it!  It shows you care! )  A pendant, tennis bracelet, Tiffany’s, (But it’s a good idea to START with a bracelet or pendant, especially one that’s a birthstone, then you have other things to build up to like a diamond pendant or bracelet, and hold off on a ring unless it’s thee ring!) We want jewelry from you because every time we wear it, we think of you, and we smile and feel all warm and fuzzy inside about you.

2.    Designer Perfume or Purse - like Michael Korrs, Dolce Gabana, BVULGRI). Again, even though it isn’t jewelry, it shows ‘possession’ because every time we wear it and smell it we think of you and we are “wearing” a reminder of you all the time, which makes us feel closer to you! If you want to get a gift that’s a safe bet, don’t burden yourself by frantically struggling to devise the most creative gift possible, which may or may not even work for us anyway, just go with what works and get her jewelry or perfume! Purses are more casual and less personal, but good if you want an alternate gift. Go with Coach or Louis Vuitton.

3.    Anything Creative, Romantic, Personal or Sentimental - Examples: a burned CD with your love songs on it, Scrapbook of photos, a personalized bracelet, necklace, or anything engraved or personalized, naming a star after her (if you’ve been together for a while)

4.    Fine Chocolates, Roses, cute Stuffed Animals, Almond Champagne and/or a sweet Love letter is a great small gift if you’ve just started seeing each other or perfect complimentary accent items to your main gift.

5.   A “Surprise Getaway,” or Reserving dinner and a room or romantic suite somewhere either local or away for the night.

Best Gifts for Girls to give their Man:

1.    Useful gadgets (PDA, a business card scanner, iPod, iPhone, a GPS system, etc.)

2.    Intimate or Boudour photos, Custom-made mug or Calendar starring YOU

3.    A homemade “Coupon Book” – be creative with the coupons!

4.    Sports tickets or memorabilia, Concert tickets

5.    An engraved chrome or silver flask or dog-tag

When in doubt, some quick guidelines to remember:

• For guys especially – ask around! Don’t blindly guess; if you aren’t sure about a gift or what she would like, ask her close friends or family and get their input – that’s a pretty sure-fire way to get a gift that’s on-target.

• Establish a budget range before-hand. Talk to each other and establish a budget or at least a range that you both will stay in, so that one person doesn’t end up spending way to much or too little, which could make for an embarrassing situation.

• Add the personal touches. Be sure to wrap them, wrap them yourself, and do not forget about a card! To us women, the card is a very important part of the gift, almost as important as the gift itself, that you should not skip over! (Oh and guys, that means write in the card – don’t just sign your name under the Hallmark text. Write your own note in addition.)

• If you’re going to buy clothes, be absolutely certain of their size and style. Avoid getting sizes that are way too big or small, or something they’ll never wear.

• Don’t “Re-gift” anything!

• Women = Personal, Men = Practical. A great rule of thumb for men and women’s gifts is, for women, think “Personal,” for men’s gifts, think “Practical!”

Any other questions? Just ask me!

Good Luck!

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Why Tiger Cheated: My Analysis of Men in Power

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Now that the Tiger Woods affair is officially out of the bag and I’ve gotten over my initial shock and disgust, it does shed light on some important issues of infidelity and monogamy that beg exploring further. Why did he do it, especially with such a “perfect” life and wife? The fact that he could cheat on a beautiful former model makes no woman safe, and raises questions from women like, “Well if he could cheat on HER, then men will cheat on anyone!”  Well after taking a stab on the situation myself, I’ve broken down my analysis of the reasons why Tiger, and most men, cheat on their beautiful women, in hopes that you’ll take the learning lessons from them and contemplate yourself.

1. Power & Success. The man’s level of success and power is the first major factor that’s at play here. The more powerful and successful the man is, the more attractive he is to women and the greater the abundance of women and options he has right at his fingertips. Add to that this continuous inflow of women and affection feeds their power and ego even further, so they literally become addicted to the attention, and being completely faithful to just one woman simply deprives them of that.
2. Opportunity. Opportunity is everywhere for these men in power, with beautiful women and sex being constantly thrown in their face. They may even rationalize it by thinking, “If I say yes to only 1 out of every 500 women that pushes themselves on me…That’s pretty good!”
3. Self-Sabatoge. It’s been seen time and time again with celebrities, from Britney Spears to Mel Gibson to Michael Jackson, and recognized even more clearly by relationship experts like myself – the pattern of sabotaging one area of your life when everything else is going successfully, even at it’s peak. Cheating is one of those things that is largely the manifestation of this self-sabatoge, on the more successful the person is, and the more they have to lose, unfortunately, the more often we tend to see these types of behaviors show up.
4. Boredom at home: The women that these powerful men are married to need to realize the fact that these men have such an abundance of women and opportunities all the time, so they can make sure they step up their level of excitement and variety at home. They need to be extra cautious not to fall into the trap of letting themselves get “too comfortable” and gaining weight, slipping into predictable routines, and neglecting the romance. Exhibit A:  Jennifer Anniston vs. Angelina Jolie.
5. Challenge: Men often cheat to gain some of the excitement and challenge back that they lost since entering into a monogamous relationship.  People often make the mistake of wrapping their whole worlds around their partner, expressing their love and commitment to them freely and as a result, diminishing any sense of challenge left for their partner. Even though a woman may be a celebrity and a beautiful one at that, she is still subject to this same crime and therefore prone to creating the same outcome with her man. If she loses herself in him and gives him no challenge at all, no matter how beautiful she is, he will still eventually wonder if he settled and be turned on by a woman who gives him more of a chase.

These are some of the most common reasons why men cheat, and why I personally feel like Tiger cheated. Read em, learn from ‘em…and Post your Comments and Thoughts!

Recent Comments

John Campbell
From a biological standpoint – long story short. men are hard wired to want to empregnate as many attracive young women as they can. attractive/young = healthy= they will carry their offspring and raise it so there will be tons of little john does running around. that said, humans – having evolved a little realize have a “nuclear family” is … See Morebeneficial for raising kids in a society (vs. the wild). so, for a orderly society, the man should stick around and tiger is lame. celebrities don’t live in society, so they think they are excluded from those rules. jerks, just don’t care about society.
Tue at 9:01pm · Delete

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How do you Increase Connection & Chemistry?

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Reader Question:

How do you Increase your Connection & Chemistry on First Dates?

Dear DeAnna,
Can you control the amount of chemistry and attraction on a date? What can you do to ’speed up’ a connection?  What inspired me to ask this recurring question is because of something that has happened to me quite a lot – I went on two different dates last week; One with an Italian guy – Handsome, tall, intelligent, and funny. We had a great dinner and had a nice and cordial date but didn’t really feel a real connection or what people call “chemistry.”  Then, two days later, I had another date with another man, Paul. Now Paul was just the opposite, and looks-wise shorter and not even normally my type that I’m attracted to… But, I definitely felt the connection and chemistry and woke up the next day feeling “Wow! I want to see him again!”  My a-hah! moment was that it seems like how tall or handsome or beautiful someone is doesn’t necessarily guarantee chemistry or attraction, and oftentimes I’m surprised by which dates result in a connection and which dates fall flat. So it makes me wonder DeAnna, what DOES create “chemistry,” what factors are involved in creating a connection and can one consciously control that level of “spark” on a date?? Please enlighten us!
~Gina; 35, Orange County CA

DeAnna’s Answer:

Dear Gina,

First of all, GREAT question indeed! And it’s one that I’m sure has ran through lots of my reader’s minds at one point or another. This “connection” and “chemistry” that you speak of and that we all know, is essentially all wrapped under the general umbrella of the beautiful art and science of “Attraction,” which I coach clients on heavily & write  frequently about the topic because I find it so fascinating. So, the short answer to your question is – YES, you can control the level of attraction and chemistry created on your dates and interactions with the opposite sex, at least to a certain extent. There are numerous factors & components involved in creating attraction, (as well as in destroying it) so it’s extremely wise to understand how it works and what those critical components are, so that you can control those things that are within your control and maximize the level of attraction and connection that’s created in any given situation. And, as you’ll read below, the funny thing is that physical appearances have actually very little to do with attraction & chemistry.

Again, there’s simply too much information on the topic to break it all down for you right here right now, but I’m going to share with you 5 of those key components that are at play whether you realize it or not that are powerfully influencing your attraction and “chemistry” you have with someone, either positively or negatively. And the good news is, all of these 5 factors are things YOU have control over! So why not make ‘em work in your favor? (PS If you’re interested in hearing a lot more details about this topic, listen in on my Free Teleseminar next Tuesday: “Secrets of Irresistible Attraction & Personal Magnetism” or you can sign up for my 90-Day Love-Attraction Coaching Plan)

Okay here we go, in no particular order…

1. The Atmosphere & Ambiance:

Set up the Atmosphere & Ambiance in your Favor: If you have control over the ambiance and atmosphere that you will be meeting someone in for the first time….DO it and be strategic about it!  5 things you can do to set up or control your environment to create the greatest amount of attraction are:

• Dark, dimly lit places and rooms with candles.

• Places with “sexy” colors, decor and lighting – Like reds, hot pinks and fuchsia’s, electric blues. (Refer to pics below for examples!) There’s a reason why there’s so much hooking up going on in those swanky clubs in Vegas. Okay, I guess there’s multiple reasons.

• Alcohol on the premises. Now hear me out before there’s an uproar, I’m not suggesting you turn into a lush or you jump back on the wagon (or is it “off the wagon”? RE: Seinfeld episode) if you’re a recovered alcoholic, but I’ll call a spade a spade and say that, in moderation, alcohol does typically help increase your odds by relaxing and calming any pre-date nerves, creating more fluidity in conversations (and thus less awkwardness) and accelerating bonding. Drink responsibly.

• Opt for Unique, Lesser-Known Hole-in-the-Wall places rather than generic chain restaurants. Doing a little research and taking her (or him) to a lesser-known spot that they’ve never been to pays off as it increases the excitement for them and the surprise factor of going to a place they’ve never been to before. Just make sure that YOU have adequately scoped it out beforehand.

• Sit close to each other and at a right-angle rather than sitting directly across from each other, if you can control it. Studies have shown that if you sit kitty-corner from each other it creates more attraction than sitting directly across, and it allows for more intimacy as well. Also, if your server is leading you to a table that looks like it could belong in King Arther’s pad, attempt to veto it and ask if they have anything smaller available so you don’t have to shout to pass the salt.

• Background Music: Have soft music playing in the background, or go to a place that does, rather than being in an atmosphere that’s dead silent. On the flip side, the music shouldn’t be so loud that you have to scream at one another; that’s no bueno either.

So in sum, boys and girls…avoid bright, open popular chain restaurants with stark overhead lighting, no alcohol and kids running around… Dark and cozy unique restaurants with candles, privacy, and flowing carafes of wine – GOOD!

2.    Self-Disclosure:

Have the Right Amount of Self-Disclosure & Vulnerability. There needs to be at least some self-disclosure and opening up on both parties during the date in order to pass through the level from acquaintance to attraction and create a real connection. If you keep your answers too short and simple and never offer up any real personal information, then your date won’t feel comfortable doing so either – and two strangers in the night you will remain. If you’re trying to create a ‘perfect’ image and worry that any self-disclosure on your part will jeopardize your date’s perfect vision of you, well then good luck to you because you’re never going to experience a true connection.

How do you strike the balance between too little and too much self-disclosure? Well, the key is to share a little bit of information at a time, keep the content appropriate, and keep the amount of information you share fairly equal between the two of you. So in other words, you don’t want to share your whole life story with them if they’ve only shared a few things about their family. You also want to keep whatever it is you’re sharing positive and confident. For instance you don’t want to talk about your creepy Uncle Ted or your painful divorce or your abusive childhood or previous mental illnesses. Share a few personal stories or unique things about yourself here and there if relevant, and maybe disclose some information about your family, where and how you grew up, career paths, and other similar topics.

Be able to be honest and vocalize what you want – in your life, in a relationship, and in a partner, if asked. But at least for the first 3 dates, avoid disclosing depressing things or things that may cast you in a negative or unflattering light, (please, you don’t need to tell your date about your Irritable Bowel Syndrome or your recent string of horrible dates, nor your bankruptcy issues or cheating past – for now at least), avoid gushing your feelings about your date and showering them with compliments, and really just don’t say things that will make you sound loser-y or desperate, is that so hard? Don’t be too much of an open book and don’t be too closed; retain the element of mystery, and start off light before progressing to heavier topics.

3. Conversation Quality:

Get your Conversations past the surface level & to the ‘Attraction Level!’ This is very important if you want to make it past the ‘Friend Zone.’ Most people who get stuck in the Friend Zone, often do so because the content of their conversations remain at a surface-level. While they remain polite and positive, they don’t ever really penetrate past the surface into the next level, which is necessary to bond and create intimacy. Think about your conversations on a previous date that didn’t end up working out. Was it mostly just ‘small talk’ or polite chit-chat that might resemble a conversation you had with someone you sat next to on a plane?

Or if in doubt, you can always use my “Brother/Sister Swap Test.” The next time you’re on a date with someone, or looking back on a previous date, ask yourself, if you could imagine swapping your date for your brother or sister, would it have felt icky due to the nature of your conversations and your body language, etc., or would that have been just fine? Meaning, when you’re attracted to a guy or girl, your body language, energy and communication should be noticeably different than the body language, energy and communication you use when having a conversation with your brother or sister (or, one would hope at least). Assuming we’re not Jerry Springer here, the former should be more open, inviting and flirtatious. The way that so many people fall into the Friend Zone is, well, just that – the energy they project & their conversation content is pretty much like that of a friend or sister or brother. And the conversation content remains too surface and safe. Most people make the mistake of asking routine interview questions on dates such as “So, where did you spend most of your life? Where have you traveled to? What brought you to San Diego? What do you do at work? What other hobbies do you have?” etc… But these questions and conversation topics don’t stimulate the mind or senses or generate discussions.

Then you both walk away at the end of the date thinking, “Well, that was pleasant” or “Hmm…Nice date…Good conversation…Nice person… BUT…”  But what??

But…lacking that….

“SPARK!”  That’s right, that spark that fuels that thing we call chemistry and that we use to determine the potential of our dates. Surface-level conversation quality equals Swiftly-in-the-Friend-Zone. A lonely place that you know you don’t want to be.

So instead of asking questions that he or she can answer on autopilot in their sleep, stimulate your date’s mind! Get them thinking outside the box. Challenge them, Get into some debates; bring up interesting topics or current events or hot issues or celebrity gossip. Don’t be so worried about playing it safe; the only thing you need to worry about is NOT being a cliché, and NOT being like every other person your date’s gone out with. Don’t be lame or boring by asking lame or boring questions. Get them excited or passionate about something; ask questions that incite creativity or brainstorming and that create an energy flow between you.

Here are some questions and topics that actually stimulate your date’s brain:

• “If you had to be stuck somewhere in the world for 60 days, where would it be?
• What would you love to accomplish by the time you are 50?
• Where do you think the sexiest place in the world is?
• Let’s pretend that money were no object and you can create your ultimate 24-Hour romantic ‘Fantasy Date’ ….What would yours be?
• Who do you think the sexiest man in Hollywood is and the sexiest woman, and why?
• What’s the worst lie you’ve ever told?
• What’s the worst thing you got caught doing while growing up?
• What’s the craziest story you have while traveling to ____?

See what I mean? Be bold and fun! Ask questions that no one else has ever asked him/her. Just be different. And always be playful in your communication and don’t be afraid to tease and be sarcastic right from the get-go. Most men make the mistake of tiptoeing around potentially controversial or “un-safe” topics, or steering clear of them altogether, worrying about possibly ‘offending’ women if they tease or display sarcasm, so they err on the side of remaining polite and safe. But then guess what happens? You’ve tiptoed your way right out of a second date, because Mr. Safe Guy doesn’t spark any attraction for her and gets filed into the drawer as yet another nice-but-dull cliche who she’ll maybe call to go to an movie with sometime if she’s ever ridiculously bored and desperate. Yes, we’re women but where did you get the idea that we were so fragile that we couldn’t handle a little playfulness or joking? Instead, leave your mark on your date and mentally stimulate. (Sorry, couldn’t resist ; )

4.  Physical Contact:

Enhance Attraction through your Touch and Feel. Knock down your physical barriers (gently) through positive physical contact. It’s vital to initiate physical touch RIGHT from the get go. No, this doesn’t mean groping and feeling up on your date right away and this isn’t grounds for being a creep – but what I’m saying is that you want to get your date comfortable with your touch early on so gradually increased physical contact is welcomed and feels natural and good. If you’re a guy, start the date off right by giving her a hug and a light kiss on the cheek Euro-style right when you see her. The cheek-kiss is proper and tradition in most cultures anyhow so it will be universally received and most women even perceive the act as demonstrating class and sophistication, plus, it sets the backdrop for later… All good things you want.

Many men will barely touch the girl at all the entire first date (or two or three dates) and then, when they finally go in to put their arm around her or kiss her after not pre-establishing any physical touch, it feels all awkward and out of left field. You need to get comfortable with each other’s touch, and you need to let your date know that you’re a straight, sexual being fully capable of touching and kissing. This is definitely true for both men and women, but especially for men, the longer you wait to touch her and the less you do, the harder it is for her to imagine kissing you and being sexual with you (and FYI woman will also often start questioning your sexuality if you haven’t made any moves by the second date). The more frequently you touch her, the more she’ll see you as a romantic, sexual prospect and the more “sparks” your date will feel like you have.

Throughout the date, take opportunities to touch your date (in appropriate ways and places, of course)[disclaimer]. For instance, touch him on the arm as you compliment him on his shirt, put your hand on the small of her back as she walks in the door in front of you, touch his hand or shoulder when they say something funny or that you agree with, and so on. It’s equally important for men and women to touch several times throughout your date and also be comfortable with your date touching you (again…within reason, of course). So don’t stand with your hands in your pockets while they’re talking to you or have your arms crossed or your legs or body turned away from your date, which will stunt the intimacy process. Every time you touch your date, they get more and more comfortable with you and are more likely to return that touch- causing you to break down your physical intimacy barriers faster, enhancing your connection and accelerating the bonding process. So if you’re that guy or girl who’s just “not the touch-feely type,” well then I’ve got news for you – you’d better learn to be if you want get a second date.

5.    Masculine & Feminine Energy:

Strive for Balanced Masculine & Feminine Energies on the Date. In order to enhance attraction and increase the odds of a successful date you must maintain an appropriate balance of masculine and feminine energy. If a man projects too much feminine energy or the woman projects too much masculine energy, you’re going to throw off the balance and there’s going to be problems. I could go on all day detailing the differences between masculine and feminine energy and how to enhance yours because there’s a lot to it, but for right now some basic rules of thumb to follow are: Men, step up to the plate and take on your natural role of Man, Provider, Protector, Leader, Fixer. You let her know you can take charge and ‘Be the Man’ by planning the first few dates for her or giving her options A and B. Be assertive throughout the date and handle most of the communication with the waiter or server. Anticipate her needs and desires and take care of them before she even has to voice them.

For instance, if you see that her drink is nearly empty, tell the waiter to refill her drink or ask her if you can get her a refill. Ask her what she’d like to drink immediately after sitting down (or the first time the waitress comes over). Women usually feel uncomfortable being the one to suggest ordering a drink, but believe me, 9 out of 10 times they definitely want one, and they want it fast, as they are usually nervous and can’t wait for a drink in hand to take the edge off. But, we don’t want to come across as a lush being the proper ladies that we are so we will be festering inside for every 5 minutes you make us sit there and wait and we’ll be rejoicing inside for those men who sit right down and say, “How about we get some drinks started!” If you’re eating outside and there’s a chance she might be cold, as the waiter to sit you near a heat lamp or offer her your sweater. If you see her eyeing the molten chocolate lava cake across the room, suggest that you order one to share. And when the bill comes, for Christ’s sake GRAB it & take care of it immediately. Gosh forbid you let it sit there chilling on the table, while we writhe in awkwardness with every moment that goes by with it glaring at us – and pay the bill quietly and gracefully without busting out your glasses or calculator, price-checking every item, or asking her for money. (And please, please no coupons! I don’t care of her lobster was $60 and she only took four bites, you can cry in your pillow later but now’s not the time).

(Also, if the girl does a ‘Fake Reach-in-the-Purse,’ when the bill comes, that’s as good as an honest offer but you should still turn her down for the first few…)

Express strength and leadership through your energy throughout the date. And women, if you want to be treated like the special lady that you are, LET him be and do these things, and let him be the more dominant, masculine role, while you remain primarily in your feminine energy, which is softer and more passive. Avoid coordinating the plans or reservations for the first few dates, resist “one-upping” him in conversations, competing over career status, beating him in darts, smashing him in a political debate, paying the tab, or driving…unless you want to be treated like one of his buddies. When you simply allow your core feminine and masculine energy to flow naturally and embrace your primary roles and strengths instead of fighting them, you’ll create a much more attractive, balanced dynamic and will bring out each sex’s best traits, the way we were designed to, creating a truly harmonic bond and intense chemistry.

Be conscious of these key attraction factors and notice the difference in your interactions starting today! And, as always, report back to me with your feedback : )

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How to Meet the Parents & Survive the Holiday!

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How to “Meet the Parents” & Pass the Holidays with Flying colors!

Meeting the family of your new girlfriend/boyfriend for the first time? Spending a holiday with them and need tips for not only surviving it unscathed but wowing their pants off and coming out of it with a trophy for Boyfriend/Girlfriend of the Year?” Relax – I’ve come to the rescue to save your holiday. Would I leave you hanging? Read this handy guide I put together for you complete with unforeseen hidden “tests” – and take copious notes!

1.    Get the inside scoop beforehand. This is very important. Before you even go over there, talk to your partner about the family and event dynamics so you can prep yourself for success. Ask your partner who they expect will be there, get their names and descriptions, and ask for some details on key people so you can be better equipped to start conversations and you can namedrop details here and there. For instance, is cousin Eric the Guitar Hero pro? Does Aunt Maria make the best stuffing west of the Missisipi? Did Uncle Jim just recently achieve a company award or did sister Stacy just come back from a trip from France? Get a couple details down, and you’ll be sure to impress when you namedrop them upon meeting them. You can also ask you partner if there’s anything you should know about the dynamics of the family and event. For instance, should you be prepared to answer 20 questions from Dad? Should you walk lightly on the topic of work around Eric who recently lost his job? Should you not ask about Aunt Gina’s relationship because it’s “sensitive?” Etc. Again, if you know these things beforehand you can avoid potentially embarrassing and awkward situations that can leave you quickly outside the “circle of trust.”
2.    Dress Up, dress CLASSY & dress Conservative. Okay, I know a freshly starched button-down collared shirt or tapered dress isn’t half as comfortable as jeans and a T or your tattered punk clothes, SUCK IT UP and ‘suit up!’ This isn’t a time for cutting corners and opt for comfort, or to rebel against yuppies by expressing your “individual style” with “emo” pants or nose rings a la Adam Lambert. No matter what kind of family it is, even if you’re visiting a family that lives in a farm, as a general rule of thumb, as my mother so lovingly engrained in me, “It’s always better to overdress than under-dress.” Select your outfit for the big day a few days beforehand and make sure you get the stamp of approval from your partner so you can have time to go shopping for some new threads in case it doesn’t get the thumbs up.

Your goal is to fit in with the family’s style as much as possible. You can’t really go wrong with a button-down collared shirt and khakis, black slacks or nice jeans. For women, this isn’t the time to let the fam see how sexy you can look or show off your newly-tanned midriff. The look you want to achieve is classy, wholesome, and conservative yet comfortable. Showing any midriff or cleavage or sporting your stilettos and a mini is like a kiss of death to man’s mother. Show him you’re the kind of girl he can bring home to momma by toning it down and wearing a cute and classy dress with a cardigan or nice pants and a sweater if it’s cold. Wear simple jewelry and tone down the makeup if you tend to wear a lot typically. If the holiday runs more than a day, pack a few extra outfits like a staple dress, some comfy loungewear, and a casual outfit. Be sure to pack a swimsuit as well(you don’t want to be the only fish out of the water if swimming’s on the menu, or worse, have to awkwardly borrow one of dad or mom’s swimsuit that’s 6 sizes too large).

3.    BRING something to the occasion – the token Guest Gift. This shows thoughtfulness, appreciation and class. You really can’t go wrong with a bottle of nice red or white wine (don’t go cheapo here, especially in case they’re wine connoisseurs – opt for a bottle in the $15-$40 range, it’s worth it). Pair it with a nice hand-written note thanking them for having you in their home, and perhaps even a small but thoughtful gift such as a plant or flowers. If you’re a woman, bring homemade cookies or dessert (or if you don’t cook, you can buy some, but homemade will give you extra ‘brownie points.”)
4.    Make sure you reach out and shake everyone’s hand when you see them, make sure you shake with your right hand and that your handshake is FIRM. If you already know you have a great handshake, then use it. If you aren’t sure (this is especially true for women, or men who haven’t been in business long) test it out on a trusted friend and get their honest feedback. For a man, your handshake should be firm and strong (but not a bone-crushing grip) and you should make direct eye contact while you’re doing so (especially if you’re shaking the father, brothers or uncle’s hand!). For a woman, your shake should still be firm (do NOT just shake with the tips of your fingers like a prissy princess, which exudes entitlement) but it should also bend a little in a natural, feminine way. Eye contact is very important. And remember their names when you shake their hand!

5.    Be extra mindful of your manners. I hate to state the obvious, but you’d be surprised how often these things slip when you’re not realizing it or when you’re so nervous about impressing the fam. As a reminder: Always say please and thank you, don’t get more than one course of food unless everyone else is (and always let family serve themselves first) and keep your space neat! This includes making your bed or the couch in the morning. Don’t sleep in – make sure you’re up at the same time or earlier as everyone else so you’re not known as “Sleepy Sam.”

6.   Offer to Help: Here’s another big one, and one that lots of mothers often test for (mine especially – this is considered a ‘red flag’ when someone’s poor date forgets to do this!). Offer to help whenever possible. So when they’re cooking the meal, go into the kitchen and ask if there’s anything you could do to help. When they start clearing dishes after the meal, get up and help them clear dishes or sincerely offer to help. Offer to help them clean up afterward or just pick up a sponge yourself and go at it.

7.    Bond with the family. Make sure you’re friendly and social and talk to every one of the family members (or at least make a genuine effort to).  Twelve-year-old cousin Nicky isn’t any less important and when others see you talking to every person, you’ll score major points. Spend a little time getting to know each person and asking about their interests, connecting with them on some level, and trying to find things in common or that you could offer your knowledge about or bond about. If you keep to yourself or just with your partner, others will definitely take notice and you’ll come across cold and anti-social. I don ‘t care if you’re shy or suffer from “social anxiety,” MAKE AN EFFORT. But of all people you’ll talk to, the key people that are the most important to bond with if you’re a woman are the mother, and sisters; and if you’re a guy, her father and brothers. These are the ‘Gate-keepers’! Some key pointers:

• a.    When talking to Brothers or Dad: Look them in the eye when you’re talking to them. Try to find out their interests and see if you guys have some things in common. Don’t dodge alone time with any of them, use it as an opportunity to bond. Pick up a pool stick and join them if that’s where the boys are or join them in poker or football.

• b.    Tests that they’re looking for: Make sure that if you get asked about your career or what your goals are or financial situation is, have a clear answer! Never answer with, “I don’t know yet” or “You know, I’m not sure what I want to do yet,” or “I haven’t figured it out yet, I’m just enjoying life right now,” or “I’m having some financial issues right now.” Her family, especially her father, wants to know you have a plan, goals, and financial stability. If you really are not sure what you want to do with your life and career and are in a transitory stage, better to rely with something like, “Well right now my options are A and B and I’m taking 3 months right now to figure out and decide which option will make me the happiest and allow me to create the best future and financial stability for me and my future family.” So that doesn’t sound like you’re just drifting, you want to still illustrate that you have some kind of plan and timeline in place which will ease their worries a bit and make you sound more responsible. If they ask you what some of your future goals are, say SOMETHING. Don’t just say, “I don’t know.” Men in particular when asking these kinds of questions are testing more for traits like decisiveness, responsibility, ambition and stability and the ability to plan rather than the content of your answers themselves.

• c.    For women, bond with the other women by: Joining them in the kitchen if that’s where the majority o the women are, and offering to cook and clean. Even if you’re more like “one of the guys” and prefer to be in the midst of the poker game and you can’t cook a casserole to save your life, at least spend some time to bond with the gals and gab, gossip, or whatever it is they do to fit in.

• d.    Tests that they’re looking for: Mothers and sisters are often testing for signs that you’ll make a good wife and mother to their son/brother. That’s why you should show your domestic side by lending a helping hand in the kitchen, and play a little with the baby if there’s one around, and, especially if you’re a power career-woman type, show them your soft side and let them know you’re not all about work. They’re also looking for signs that show you are loyal and committed for the long-haul and have strong values. Don’t dress or say anything skanky, don’t be inappropriately touchy-feely with your partner, and don’t correct them when they’re telling stories, and don’t nag them or redicule them in front of others. Don’t ever talk about them in a negative way or make complaints about them to any family members, even if they do. One of my uncles had a girlfriend that he was living with for 2 years, and although I really liked her, she would often talk to me or other family members about an argument they recently had or an issue they were having or how she was getting worried that he hadn’t proposed to her yet and would seek my opinions or advice on the matter. Not the best strategy girl! Don’t do this, even if you are really close and comfortable with the family. It puts the person you’re talking to in an awkward position and downright doesn’t look good on your part.

8.    Do as the Romans Do. In other words, FIT IN. If the family is playing football, go out to the field. If it’s their tradition to play Jenga or Scrabble after dinner, happily join in. Don’t try to get a jail out of free card because “you’re in heels” or you “just straightened your hair” or you’re “not a jock.” If you sit out on the sidelines, you stand out and you become the topic of conversation later as to why you refused to join in the family games and tradition. Again its one of those things that you just have to suck up and do if you want to get their approval.
9.    Be Easy & Easygoing. Don’t be too picky  or difficult with food or make strange demands or have people do extra things for you. If you’re a vegetarian or vegan, don’t request that they make you a separate vegetarian dish, unless they volunteer to. If the whole fam is drinking water don’t request a soda or request red wine if the rest of them are drinking white. Just go with the flow and roll with the punches. Now is not the time to have them cater to your ultra-picky demands or idiosyncrasies. Stay with your mission to fit in, and it’ll all be over before you know it.

10.    Conversation – strike a balance. Don’t be too quiet or know one will get to know you. But you also don’t want to dominate conversations or try too hard to be funny or outgoing, or it’ll turn others off. Talk less then your partner on the whole, and don ‘t go overboard with storytelling or jokes. Subtly is the key, you don’t need to be a one-man stand-up comedy show or the Life of the Party for them to like you. Show you have a sense of humor and that you’re sociable, but remember that this is their family and their holiday, and ultimately you are the outsider. So let them talk more and share stories and news, and know that you don’t need to add your two cents about everything or talk too much about yourself.  Avoid boasting and one-upping people. Also, if your partner has any news or recent accomplishments to share with the family, let your partner be the one to share it first; don’t do it for them. Don’t overstep your boundaries by acting like you’re already a part of the family when you’re still on the outside.

Final Tips to Seal the Deal:

• Thank them! Lastly, make sure you thank them again on your way out, give them a hug and let them know it was great meeting and spending time with them. Then seal the deal by sending a personal thank you card in the mail a few days later. Compliment them on their home when you walk in. say, “Wow, I love your home, it’s beautiful!” no matter if it’s a mansion or a shack. If you notice other details like their choices of art on the walls or the mother’s collection of lladros or drapes, notice and compliment them on those things as well and you’ll warm their heart and get on their good side. Avoid gushing and bearing over-the-top with compliments though or you’ll come across phony.

• Follow their “House Rules.” If the mother insists on you and your partner sleeping in separate rooms in the house even at age 42, just DO it, period, and don’t try to sneak around in the middle of the night (or get a hotel). There may be cameras set up. If it’s their tradition to wake up at 8 and do chores, don’t rebel against it by sleeping in, join them.

• Don’t get drunk. I know you’re nervous, but now’s not the time to pound shots and suck back tequila to loosen the nerves. Have a few drinks if that’s what the family’s doing, but keep your wits about you and avoid getting sloppy. Even if the 260 pound Marine Corp uncle is challenging you to see who could slam back more shots of Cuervo, know your limits and if you feel you’re getting close then politely refuse and take a water break. I remember a boyfriend I brought to Thanksgiving one year who ended up making an idiot of himself after 9 or 10 shots, swearing and slurring, “I just F’king love your daughter, she’s so F’king great, F’k!” Didn’t go over too well the next day. And then a poor girlfriend my brother brought one year who spent the second half of the evening curled up on the bathroom floor hugging the toilet seat. Don’t be that girl (or guy)!

Follow these guideline and you’ll be sure to breeze through the holiday with flying colors and get raving reviews immediately following!

-Copywrite 2009, DeAnna Lorraine

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Reader Questions of the Week: Approach Anxiety…

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Male Reader Question of the Week: How can I get over my Severe Approach Anxiety?

 

Dear DeAnna,

I sincerely need your help. Here’s my story in a nutshell: I’m a 27-year old guy, and work in IT, I’m smart, successful with my career and nearly every other aspect of my life, except when it comes to women. I have always had a bit of a social anxiety disorder. I’m a nice guy, reasonably attractive, in great shape, have a good head on my shoulders, and have a good sense of humor… I am just overly shy and always have been ever since I was a kid. I was never capable of approaching women as I was growing up, and to this day I have severe approach anxiety. As a result I let lots of opportunities with attractive women just pass me by because I freeze up and miss my chance. And when I do go over and talk to them, I usually can’t seem to keep her interest for long or I get tounge-tied or fear I’ll say something stupid. I have since dipped my toes in the pool to test the water, but I still have a hard time. I can’t walk into a group of random people and start mingling. I’m sick and tired of missing opportunities and having this gap that’s preventing me from finding a relationship; will it ever go away or will I outgrow it? How can I overcome this? Help!

-Andrew

Dear Andrew,
You’re right in stating that there is a definite gap. Your social shyness and approach anxiety, etc. will definitely prevent you from meeting anyone (and hold you back from fully enjoying life, as well).  It should however make you feel better to know that you’re not alone. There are LOTS of great guys like you that get held back from dating and meeting women because of their shyness, lack of approaching and communication skills with women, among other things. I work with many of those guys. In fact most of my male clientele come to see me because of those same issues that they want to overcome.  And that’s what we do.

The bad news though, is that your issues are not going to go away on their own.

 

Believe me, most of my male clients are in their 40’s or late 30’s and some even in their 50’s before they finally decided to take action on it and came to me, and they all talk about how they had these issues all their lives but kept hoping it would eventually resolve on their own or they would ‘grow out of it’ at some point, or just meet a woman who would somehow override their problem.

 

But, years went by with the same results, and pretty soon they were hitting 40 or 50 and realized nothing had changed and they were in the SAME position….Only now with even FEWER options of women available, as they aren’t quite in the same shape they were in their 20s! And, the girls that they COULD have gotten when they were younger had they overcome their approach anxiety earlier on are now not typically interested in them because of their age.

 

My point being to you is, the fact that you recognize this at the ‘ripe age’ of 27 and you’re aware of its limitations, gives you a great advantage and gift. Do something about it NOW, while you’re in your prime, so you don’t have to be in that position later. Because the other good news is that your limitations CAN be overcome! This shyness and lack of success with women can be a  thing of the past this year if you want it to be; It’s not that difficult to overcome nor does it have to take years or even months. As I said, I work with men to eliminate these issues all the time, and in my program, such as the 90-Day Transformational Coaching Program, you will eliminate your approach anxiety in as little as 2 weeks and 3 months at the longest. Even those engineers and IT guys who haven’t had a date in years and who’s life is spent on a computer!

 

So, you CAN overcome this, it doesn’t have to be a part of you anymore and you really MUST oversome this if you want to ever achieve success with women and find a relationship and wonderful woman to settle down with. But it starts with your decision to  take action on it NOW and your commitment to making the change. Obviously, my Men’s 90-Day Transformation plan is designed to eliminate your approach anxiety, develop solid Inner Game and the skills and confidence to attract any woman you want easily. So I definitely recommend you sign up for that so you can start seeing results in just a few weeks.

But to help you and all the other guys out there get started, here are 5 tips that will help you make the process of approaching and interacting much easier:

 

1. Knock them from their pedestal and stop over-glorifying them! You don’t know her from Adam, so you are putting an absolute stranger on a pedestal and letting her intimidate you. She could open her mouth and be dumb as rocks. She could have a husband. She could be a weirdo or a mute or have terrible teeth. The point is you have no idea what she’s like so by getting nervous and putting her on a pedestal before you even talk to her, you’re creating an immediate power imbalance and lowering your value while placing more value on her than is warranted. So before you get all tounge-tied for no reason, imagine knocking her from her imaginary pedestal you put her on and raise your own so you’re projecting the same level of power and value.

 

2. Simply by training yourself to Observe and Pay Attention to details, you’ll have all the openers and conversation topics that you could ever need at your fingertips. Before you approach her, You can quickly create an opener every time simply by observing and noticing details something in one of the following four areas:

a. Something she’s DOING. Is she working on a laptop? Reading a book? Walking a dog? Does she look bored? Ordering coffee? See if there’s anything that she’s doing that you can comment on or ask about.

 

b. Something she’s WEARING. Is she wearing a uniform that raises curiosity? An interesting hairpiece or dress? Cool shoes? A funny slogan on her shirt? A costume? See if there’s anything that she’s wearing that you can comment on or ask about.

 

c. Something she’s SAYING. Perhaps you overhear her talking to her friend about how she’s in the mood for Italian food and wished she knew of a good restaurant around here (There’s your cue!) Maybe you overhear her calling her dad up and telling him something’s wrong with her car and that she needs to get it checked out (know anything about cars? ANYTHING?? Ah hem, go offer to check her car out for her!) Or perhaps you hear her ask the cashier directions to get to somewhere (help her out!). instead of getting caught up in your own head trying to conjure up the perfect and wittiest routine or opener, if you simply listen and pay attention to what she’s saying you should have ample opportunities to offer your help, make a comment, ask her a question, demonstrate your value, or make a joke.

 

d. Or what’s going on AROUND her. NOTICE what’s going on around her. Perhaps you see that the bartender is taking his sweet time in getting her drink so you take the opportunity to commiserate with her & joke about it. Maybe you see someone bump into her and spill some of her drink, so you slide up next to her and help her and then comment on the asshole that did it. Maybe you notice she looks bored in her group of rowdy friends or a guy is blatantly hitting on her and she looks noticeably uninterested so you jump in and save the day by putting your arm around her and pretending to be her boyfriend and shooing him away. Simply paying attention to what’s going on around her should provide you with ample opportunities to offer your help, make a comment, ask her a question, demonstrate your value, or make a joke.

 

3. Envision the Successful End-Result. Before you walk over to approach a girl, go through the circle in your head, envisioning you walking over there confidently and purposefully, seeing her happily welcome your approach, seeing her smiling/laughing as you interact, getting her number and walking away happy. When you envision the successful end result you create the blueprint in your mind necessary to carry it out successfully and flawlessly because your mind thinks you’ve already just done it!

 

4. GET her phone #. Don’t “Ask.” Most men make the mistake of asking for her phone number, then they’re just standing their waiting in silence for her answer, which may be yes or no and if it’s no you look like an idiot mumbling something like, “Oh, ok that’s cool no worries,’ and walking away with your tail between your legs feeling like a shell of a man. How in control of that interaction were you then? NONE! You let her control the whole freaking interaction and the outcome and she had all the power. But with a simple shift in syntax – from question to command – the entire situation is flipped in your favor and you’ve got all the control. Here’s what option #1, the weak version, looks like:

 

“So, do you think I can get your number, and maybe give you a call sometime?”

 

BOO! See how weak that sounds and how powerless of the situation and outcome you are? No bueno.

And here’s option #2…

 

“Well I’ve got head out but let me get your number and I’ll give you a call sometime.”

 

YES!! See how much more powerful and assertive that sounds? Now YOU are the one that’s in control of the situation and outcome. And when you phrase it like that, a woman will nearly 100% of the time give you her number. It’s nearly impossible to say no to that because, well, it isn’t a question!

 

5. Let GO of the outcome! Remember, there is no such thing as ‘Failure,’ only FEEDBACK! Maybe she’s married or maybe she’s a lesbian; Maybe she just likes blondes, or guys over 6’2”, or dark guys, who the hell knows!? But the point being that NONE of these reasons have to do with YOU! So it’s silly to take anything personally. And remember, there’s NO such thing as ‘failure’ …only FEEDBACK! So go into each new interaction as simply ‘more practice’ or ‘more feedback’ and you’ll come out of every interaction a winner!

Female Reader Question of the Week: I’m a divorced Woman in my 40’s, why aren’t I having any Success with Online Dating??

 

Dear DeAnna,

I have not been lucky in love (I have been divorced twice – made BAD choices) Dating is so hard in when you are in your 40’s so I thought I‘d try online dating again. The most frustrating experience about online dating for me this time around is that I seem to only attract too young, too old, or TOO SCARY!! I feel like since I‘m not a size two – men my age aren’t interested! I keep finding that the men MY AGE are looking for women between 25 and 35. Do they think we turn into wrinkled up old hags after a certain age? It’s rare that you find a profile of a guy who actually seems intelligent, and then when you see that age range, it’s very frustrating. It makes me just want to give up. I’m a divorced professional with two boys who has her head on straight! Everyone keeps telling me how smart & pretty I am, yet I can’t even get a first date with this online dating stuff. Winning this contest would really help me find that relationship I feel I deserve!

-Laura

 

Dear Laura,

First off, I’m so sorry to hear you’re having a tough time out there. I know how frustrating dating – especially online dating – can be! Even more so if you’re a woman over 35, it can often feel very discouraging. I’ve seen LOTS of my female clients and friends go through this. But I’ve also noticed lots of trends and common mistakes that women in your age range are making that are largely responsible for their disappointing results with men and online dating in general, that you may very well be guilty of too. If you sign up for my Online Dating Profile Management Package, I go over all of these and more along with creating your own personalized online dating strategy, creating a winning, compelling profile for you that gets you noticed and gets you dates with the men you want, and I even do all the ‘dirty work’ for you, managing your account and personally searching for you, providing you with high-quality, compatible matches every week.  So I HIGHLY recommend you signing up for my Online Dating account management package. But to give you a good start, here are 10 excellent tips along with some of the most common pitfalls you must avoid to help you maximize your results both online and offline, starting from your first point

 

1. Stop wasting your time writing back to men you’re not interested in! Although it’s certainly noble for you to want to be courteous to these mere strangers, you don’t need to write back to every email in your inbox. Spend just a minute to check out their profile, and if you could tell just from their profile or photo that they don’t meet one or more of your requirements or ‘Non-Negotiable requirements or criteria, then don’t even bother writing back as that’s just setting yourself up for disappointment. only write back to those men who meet your minimum criteria or who interest you to maximize your efficiency and time spent online.

 

2. Expand your search parameters and be more open-minded. If you’re a woman, your search parameters should include men with a span of at least 10 years older than you and 5 years younger than you. I understand you don’t want an old grandpa in a retirement home, but if you really want to increase your chances of finding someone then you’ve simply got to be more open-minded and be willing to negotiate qualities like physical appearance and age. If you want men to be more open-minded and accepting of your age, then you need to be more accepting of theirs as well.

 

3. Spend more time in the ‘Driver’s Seat’ to increase your options of quality men rather than just sitting back passively with your only options being those men who have contacted you. You should be doing some searching yourself too so you can have more control over your options. Although whenever possible I believe men should be the first ones to send a message and initiate, if its not happening with a prospect then it’s acceptable for ou to open up the door and give them a little nudge, such as with a ‘Wink’ on Match.com, or by marking them as a ‘Favorite’ on Plenty of Fish or sending a short and sweet ‘Hi there’ ‘Icebreaker’ on Yahoo! Personals. Then once you’ve shown you interest with a little nudge like that, the ball’s in their court and let them take it from their. If they’re interested, they’ll almost always write you a response, and if you get no response, at least you know you did what you could and then you can move on and cross him off your list of prospects.

 

4. Your comment about “since I’m not a size two…” Okay sister, let’s get one thing straight: Just because you’re not a size two does NOT men won’t contact you, as not every man wants a size two woman. But most men DO want a woman who’s in good shape and health, and who looks like she takes care of herself and puts effort into her appearance. And you can show that no matter whether you’re a size 14 or size 0. But if your wearing sweats, scrubs and no make-up in your photos and dress sloppy and have let yourself go, it shouldn’t come as a surprise to you that you don’t get anything other than sloppy men contacting you.

 

3. Now, about that whole ‘age’ thing…. Yes, it’s true that men your own age are often looking for younger women to date. Unfortunately, your options do naturally decrease every year older you get. But there are certain measures you can take. First of all, are you in great shape? Do you exercise regularly? You may not be able to control or change how old you are, but you can change how old you LOOK and FEEL. If you’re untoned and out of shape, have excess weight, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’ll have a harder time attracting a man. Men are and always will be very visual creatures and beauty and youth are the highest ranked motivators for attraction. That wont ever go away just because you and they get older, son a lot of the reasons why they date younger women is because their experience is that many of the women their age are out of shape physically. Also, how are you dressing? Are you dressing like a grandmother with unflattering clothes, or are you wearing clothes that are flattering, contemporary and fitted? Is your hair healthy, in good condition and the color vibrant? Is the style of your hair contemporary and flattering to your face and body, or is it out of date and dull? Again, your hair can either make you look years older or years younger depending on the style, cut and color of it. here are other things that are common complaints of men in your age range and according to them, are reasons for being turned off by women their age and wanting to date younger. How’s your energy level and sex drive? Are you able to keep up with an active guy or are you frequently turning down activities with people because of your low energy? Men your age want a woman who can keep up with them both inside and outside the bedroom, so if you’re turning down hikes for a mid-day nap, he’s not going to be impressed. Make sure you convey that you’re active and energetic both in your profile and on your dates, because they’ll be looking for this.

 

4. Keep all the gushing and talking about your children and/or grandchildren to a minimum! There’s no need to mention your children or grandchildren in your profile or communication with online suiters, and keep that topic very brief on your first few dates. Keep the photos in your wallet for a while too rather than posting them on your profile or whipping them out on your dates. Men your age do not want a reminder that they are dating a grandmother nor are they interested in hearing lots of your stories about children he doesn’t know. Men complain of women talking incessantly about their grandchildren or children and it’s a real turn-off for them.

 

5. Avoid Talking about your future Plans & Children. If you DON’T have kids yet, but want them in your future and you feel like the clock is ticking… don’t talk about them or ask him if he wants them! Avoid any type of details about your plans or personal timeline for the next few years, or he’ll feel like if he continued dating you he’d be inserted into your ready-made Master plan’s Insert-a-Husband-Here spaces like he’s an item on your To-do list that you can just cross off. Blame it on Marisa Tomie’s character in My Cousin Vinnie, but men feel like if they’re dating a woman over 30 that hasn’t been married yet, she’s a ticking time bomb that’s about to explode and they’re in for an immediate bombardment of marriage, kids and picket fence before they knew what hit them. In other words, P-R-E-S-S-U-R-E. So hold your horses woman, slow down and dispel his fears by relaxing, exuding a carefree and positive attitude and keeping your personal Timeline and Woman-on-a-Mission energy under wraps for the first few dates.

 

6. Don’t Unload all your baggage on your Dates, Profile or Communication with men. I can’t tell you how may profiles I’ve seen where women just unloaded 20 years of relationship distress on their profiles as well as their dates. If you come across cynical or negative or untrusting, you’re going to look like you’re “damaged goods” and men will avoid you like the plague.  Be very conscious of this both online and on your dates, and avoid talking about past relationships, men who have dumped or wronged you, all your terrible dating experiences and people who have misrepresented themselves online, etc. Always sound upbeat and positive.

 

7. Don’t Treat your dates like a drive-through job Interview from hell. I understand that the older you get, the more you know what you want and the easier and faster it is for you to spot out what you want and ‘Next!’ the ones that don’t make the cut. You don’t want to waste your time so your goal is to find out as much as you can about this guy as fast as possible so you can breeze through your dates and get to ‘The One’ that much faster, right? Okay, maybe that sounds like the most efficient strategy in your head but guess how that comes across on your dates? Um, yeah….. SCARY!

 

8. Hold back Sexually & Avoid coming across too Easy or Desperate. Okay, I understand maybe it’s been a few months…or years since you’ve gotten any sex or love and I understand you’ve ‘got needs,’ but hold it together and don’t let months or years of repression come out on your date! When in the midst of a sexual drought many women will come on very strong to their dates and try to seduce and sleep with them on the 1^st or 2^nd date jump his bones like they’ve been in jail or space for 9 years and they’ve got two minutes to stock up on sex before another decade of isolation. Well gee, I wonder how that’s going come across? And even though men may willingly engage in sexual activities, because, well, they’re men and don’t typically turn that down if offered, they’re not going to be real motivated to continue to court you after they’ve put their pants back on and cleared their head. So whether it’s been 9 days or 9 years since you’ve last had sex, pull it together and act like the special lady he wants to get to know & cherish.

-DeAnna Lorraine, 2009

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Is your Home Killing your Chances for a 2nd Date?

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Is your home turning off the opposite sex? Is your bedroom killing your chances for a second date? Its very possible! Your home and bedroom has a LOT to do with attraction and can either create a romance-inducing love nest – or a potent love repellent. Your home and bedroom leave a powerful first impression and is something you can easily control – so wouldn’t it be worth it to learn how to make the BEST impression on your date and create a haven that will get you lucky!

Let’s start with the top 10 things in your home and bedroom that turn off the opposite sex, starting with women first, so you can banish them for good. These are straight from the mouths of men and women, no speculation here!

Top 10 Home & Bedroom Don’ts for Women:

1. More than 1 Cat. For whatever reason, men have the idea that women who own cats are weird, desperate, lonely or all of the above. Don’t ask me why, but they do. And, I hope it goes without saying that they are especially leery of those who dress up their cats or who coddle and baby them. One cat can be explainable, and isn’t going to do any damage. But don’t get more than 1 or it may raise a red flag to your male house-guests.
2. Extraneous Figurines (such as Animals, Clowns (eek!) Porcelain figures, Trolls, Dolls, Barbies, “Precious Moments,” cats, etc.) They’re a little creepy to say the least, far from “mood-enhancing,” and will give your man visuals of you 10 years down the road insisting on littering all the mantles and tables of your otherwise nice home with figurines…not exactly the visual you want to give him. Take ‘em down.
3. Messy room, bathroom or kitchen. Don’t kill the fantasy men have that women are cleanly and pure at all times.You know what happens when you kill a man’s fantasy, right?
4. Self-help books, Relationship or Dating books or Weight-loss Books lying out.That means put away your copies of “Why Men Marry Bitches” and “If I’m so Fabulous, then Why am I still Single?” ! My book can stay
5. Gossip magazines or Tabloids laying out. You don’t want him thinking you spend all your free time caught up in celebrity gossip.
6. Sex Toys, Condoms, Lingerie, a sex swing, any sex-related or Skanky Paraphernalia. The last thing you want to do is have him picturing you using those items with numerous other men that have walked where he has now walked. I understand you didn’t live in a vacuum before you met this guy. …But he’d sure like to think you did. So let him think that.
7. Comforters, Furniture, Wallpaper & Décor that are too girly, childish and frilly (too much pink for instance). You don’t want your man thinking he walked into Frou-Frou land and he has to do 10 pushups for every minute he spends in your room to salvage his masculinity. Try to make it feminine, but not overboard.
8. Creepy Collectibles such as: a Doll collection, Barbie collection, Clowns collectibles (downright scary),or a Coin collection.
9. Nothing Funky in your Bathroom Drawers or Mirror! Yes, guys WILL snoop in your bathroom to detect signs of freak-ness! They look for things like prescription medications, Vaginal creams, Weight-loss pills or shakes, Foot creams, etc. so find a better hiding place for those items or 86 them all-together.
10. Twin bed or futon. Your man will think he has no breathing room, especially if he’s a tall one.

Decor DO’s For Women:

Basically, when a man goes to a woman’s home that he’s dating, he wants to think of it as a sort of ‘haven’ for him. He imagines girls’ homes as cleaner, nicer, better-smelling, cozier and more comfortable than his own home. So, keep his fantasy alive and make sure you create that little slice of heaven for him. Make sure your home, bathroom and bedroom is ridiculously clean and clutter-free, and keep it smelling girly with scented candles or sprays. Keep your colors and furniture more neutral, like brick red, black and white, pale green, soft yellow or blue, and so on. Pink is fine, but just don’t overdue it or he’ll feel like he’s losing his testosterone every minute longer he stays there. Your bed should be ultra-comfortable with lots of pillows and blankets. An overhead mosquito netting or lace canopy adds a very sexy touch.

Keep your dolls and collectibles in the closet, your gossip magazines and self-help books put away, and your sex-related paraphernalia locked up. You should have a TV in your room so he can watch whatever sports games are on and a stereo or iPod for loaded with scene-setting, male-friendly music. Keep FeBreeze handy, scented candles and incense on your nightstand.

Other added touches you can do to earn extra brownie points from your male love interest:

• Always keep your fridge stocked with a 6-er of beer like Newcastle or Heffenweisen, so you have something to offer him when he’s over.
• Keep your lighting soft, dim and romantic
• Have some guy-friendly movies or DVDs on hand like Wedding Crashers or The Matrix
• Keep manly munchies in your kitchen at all times, like chex mix, cookies or anything fresh baked.
• Have some magazines or reading material in the bathroom or coffee table, like Entertainment or GQ Magazines or interesting books.
• Have some male-friendly music on-hand that can help set the mood, such as classic rock, R&B, Jimmy Hendrix and The Doors.

Top 10 Home & Bedroom Don’ts for Men:

1. Porn, dirty Magazines or DVDs lying out. Put your porn AWAY, we do not want to see it or know where it’s been!
2. More than 1 or 2 ‘Girl posters’ or pictures, calendars or references to women or sex. Don’t make your women feel like she’s got competition. Show her you’re mature by trading your posters of models for more sophisticated framed art like Ansel Adams.
3. A Messy room, Dirty laundry, dirty walls, or dirty bathroom, Cups or dishes left out. It may not seem like a big deal to leave some of your messiness out, but it makes a woman feel so much more comfortable and relaxed when in the presence of a clean room and anxious in a dirty room. Remember, any time you can control an environment to allow a woman to feel MORE comfortable, DO it – because more comfort equals more action.
4. Condoms, Sex Toys, or any Sex-related Paraphernalia in site. Put these under your bed or we’ll label you a Player with a capitol “P.”
5. A Cold, Open home or bedroom with little furniture. Masculine simplicity is fine, but homes that are cold and empty give us the creeps and certainly doesn’t make us feel romantic. If your home or bedroom has a tendancy to get really cold, make sure has a heater or bring a portable one in, and have plenty of blankets and throws so she’s never cold.
6. Comics or Action figures hanging out. Put your Spiderman collection away for another day. We want a man, not a boy. Hurray.
7. **Bright Overhead Lighting. Eek! There’s no better way to make a woman feel instantly uncomfortable then by having stark overhead lighting or bright lighting of any kind. They cast weird shadows, they wash people out, we run from them. Think DIM, Dark and Sexy!
8. Lots of Video Games, Computer Games or game systems in view. We don’t want to think we’ll have to fight over attention with your Rock Band or Wii.
9. INCRIMINATING Photos, clothes or items left out or on your computer’s desktop. Scour your computer’s desktop and mantle for Photos of girls or exes present & eliminate anything questionable. Make sure there’s no earrings, bras or other female articles “from your sister” left behind under your bed or on your desk. Don’t be careless!
10. A Barren Fridge or Kitchen. Hungry woman equals bitchy woman; Food and Wine equals COMFORT and …! You got it. Stock your fridge with a bottle of wine and female-friendly munchies at all times, like cheese and crackers or a gourmet loaf of bread and hummus. Girls aren’t friendly when we’re unfed!

Decor DO’s For Men:

Since women are already a bit uneasy at the thought of going to a man’s home for the first time, you want to make your home and bedroom as comfortable and welcoming as possible so you can get their guard down and set the romantic vibe. Before stepping foot in a new guy’s house, we are usually expecting a typical ‘Bachelor Pad,’ – messy, cold, dirty-laundry piled up and strewn with Victoria’s Secret posters and beer cans. So, WOW us by breaking the mold and getting your home’s act together. I promise, the extra effort taking care of these details will pay dividends!

When decorating your home, choose warm romantic colors and pieces, such as dark woods, leather couches and furry rugs. Use WARM colors, tones and pieces – women love warmth! Don’t just stick with the black-and-white minimalist color scheme – Reds, avocado green, chocolate, light blues, and creams are good colors to use. Have some red decorative pillows on your black leather couch and a red or green decorative “throw” blanket on your couch for color and a matching rug on a hardwood floor for added coziness. Adorn your windows with decorative drapes or blinds rather than the standard plastic blinds. Have lots of plants and greenery scattered about your home – women LOVE plants! Trade in your posters of Eva Longoria for some decorative framed art pieces. Sorry, but if you want to get lucky…It’s time to grow up. Your bathroom and bedroom should be so clean you can eat off the floors, and show her you’re a man by leaving the toilet seat down (and urine-free, please). Your bed should be as comfy as a 5-star hotel, with clean, stain-free sheets that smell like they’ve just been washed. Down comforters and pillows are worth the splurge. If you have a fireplace – use it! Always keep your home and bedroom warm and cozy.

Lastly, and this is VERY important – make sure your lighting is girl-friendly! The lighting in your home and bedroom plays a crucial element to style and mood. First off, get rid of any overhead lighting that you have. Overhead lighting casts horrible shadows on people’s faces and leaves otherwise attractive people looking washed out, sickly and downright unflattering. Women especially are very sensitive to this and will be self-conscious and paranoid the minute they detect this enemy lighting. So get rid of it and get some decorative floor lamps and table lamps with dimmer switches instead, and always keep the lighting DIM rather than bright in your room and home – your female friend will thank you!

Other Female-Friendly Touches that add major brownie points:

• Always keep your fridge stocked with a bottle of wine so you have something to offer her
• Have some scented candles in your living room and bedroom and light them before she gets there.
• Keep an extra toothbrush in your bathroom (and tell her it’s for your sister, when she comes and visits)
• Always have soft music or jazz in the background when she’s over
• Have baby wipes and mints by your bedside or bathroom, so she can “freshen up.”

Happy House-warming!

~DeAnna Lorraine, 2009

Agree with these tips, guys? Anything I left out or would like to add?

Add your 2 cents below & start a discussion!

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Men, Stop Saying this to Women!

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This entry is for MEN, because I was asked by several different women requesting it. There’s something you men often say to women on dates or in a bar, etc. Especially attractive women. I think you may think it’s some kind of compliment, but I’m going to clear this up once and for all so you can prevent a dating disaster and stop annoying women. The question you ask?

“Why are you still single?” or, “How are you possibly single?” or “How do you not have a man?” or another another variant, “You’re way too good looking to be single!”

What IS that, we ask you?! That is far and wide the WORST statement you can make or ask a woman! Yet you guys ask it all the time. Why would you ask a woman this? This is an insult all-around. To us, you’re basically asking us to first of all justify why we want to be single. But we don’t need to have a reason. When women simply choose to remain single for a while and perhaps focus on other important things like career, school, or personal growth. Did that every occur to you, that some women WANT to be single for a while? That are whole lives don’t revolve around men?  That maybe, like you, we enjoy the single life sometimes too?? It’s also totally ignorant because you’re implying that all women feel like they have to be in a committed relationship and can’t be alone. Again, very false. Third, you’re implying that something must be “wrong” with her if she’s ’still single,’ and immediately putting her on the defense – obviously never a good way to begin a date. Lastly, it causes her to think, “You’re right, I AM too good looking to be single… What am I doing sitting across on a date with HIM?? I must need to raise my standards!”

And there you have the demise of what could have otherwise been a perfectly good date.

So now that you know this, please extradite these phrases and all related ones from your vocabulary permanently. And spread the word.

Check out these Other Fast Ways Men can Kill a Date!

(Straight from the mouths of women)

1. Asking how old she is
2. Asking her if she can pick YOU up for the date (even if its on her way and it’s way out of your way!)
3. Talking about price of things, how something is a “great deal,” or “cheap,” or “only __ bucks!”
4. Accepting her money if she offers to pay (Never accept her money on the first 3 dates!)
5. Asking her where she wants to go or What she wants to do for the date (Have a PLAN already, or have OPTIONS read!)
6. Having the date around dinner hours (5-9) but then not offering to order any food or appetizers, or saying that you “already ate.”
7. Not asking her if she wants a drink right away (you should requests drinks pronto or go up to the bar yourself and get them if the waiter’s taking a while! Believe me, she wants one, but doesn’t want to come across like a lush or assertive so she wants you to take care of them!)
8. Taking her to a place that’s really bright, light, with lots of families and children, and/or seats that are far away from eachother. (To maximize the her attraction toward you, set up the date so it’s conducive to creating attraction. Dim lighting, close seats and small tables, candles on tables, adults and couples around, and red or dark wood decor!)
9. Picking her up in a messy and/or dirty car
10. Showing up Under-dressed or in a hoodie or T-shirt. Always opt for a collared button-down; you cannot go wrong!

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