How do you Increase Connection & Chemistry?

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Reader Question:

How do you Increase your Connection & Chemistry on First Dates?

Dear DeAnna,
Can you control the amount of chemistry and attraction on a date? What can you do to ’speed up’ a connection?  What inspired me to ask this recurring question is because of something that has happened to me quite a lot – I went on two different dates last week; One with an Italian guy – Handsome, tall, intelligent, and funny. We had a great dinner and had a nice and cordial date but didn’t really feel a real connection or what people call “chemistry.”  Then, two days later, I had another date with another man, Paul. Now Paul was just the opposite, and looks-wise shorter and not even normally my type that I’m attracted to… But, I definitely felt the connection and chemistry and woke up the next day feeling “Wow! I want to see him again!”  My a-hah! moment was that it seems like how tall or handsome or beautiful someone is doesn’t necessarily guarantee chemistry or attraction, and oftentimes I’m surprised by which dates result in a connection and which dates fall flat. So it makes me wonder DeAnna, what DOES create “chemistry,” what factors are involved in creating a connection and can one consciously control that level of “spark” on a date?? Please enlighten us!
~Gina; 35, Orange County CA

DeAnna’s Answer:

Dear Gina,

First of all, GREAT question indeed! And it’s one that I’m sure has ran through lots of my reader’s minds at one point or another. This “connection” and “chemistry” that you speak of and that we all know, is essentially all wrapped under the general umbrella of the beautiful art and science of “Attraction,” which I coach clients on heavily & write  frequently about the topic because I find it so fascinating. So, the short answer to your question is – YES, you can control the level of attraction and chemistry created on your dates and interactions with the opposite sex, at least to a certain extent. There are numerous factors & components involved in creating attraction, (as well as in destroying it) so it’s extremely wise to understand how it works and what those critical components are, so that you can control those things that are within your control and maximize the level of attraction and connection that’s created in any given situation. And, as you’ll read below, the funny thing is that physical appearances have actually very little to do with attraction & chemistry.

Again, there’s simply too much information on the topic to break it all down for you right here right now, but I’m going to share with you 5 of those key components that are at play whether you realize it or not that are powerfully influencing your attraction and “chemistry” you have with someone, either positively or negatively. And the good news is, all of these 5 factors are things YOU have control over! So why not make ‘em work in your favor? (PS If you’re interested in hearing a lot more details about this topic, listen in on my Free Teleseminar next Tuesday: “Secrets of Irresistible Attraction & Personal Magnetism” or you can sign up for my 90-Day Love-Attraction Coaching Plan)

Okay here we go, in no particular order…

1. The Atmosphere & Ambiance:

Set up the Atmosphere & Ambiance in your Favor: If you have control over the ambiance and atmosphere that you will be meeting someone in for the first time….DO it and be strategic about it!  5 things you can do to set up or control your environment to create the greatest amount of attraction are:

• Dark, dimly lit places and rooms with candles.

• Places with “sexy” colors, decor and lighting – Like reds, hot pinks and fuchsia’s, electric blues. (Refer to pics below for examples!) There’s a reason why there’s so much hooking up going on in those swanky clubs in Vegas. Okay, I guess there’s multiple reasons.

• Alcohol on the premises. Now hear me out before there’s an uproar, I’m not suggesting you turn into a lush or you jump back on the wagon (or is it “off the wagon”? RE: Seinfeld episode) if you’re a recovered alcoholic, but I’ll call a spade a spade and say that, in moderation, alcohol does typically help increase your odds by relaxing and calming any pre-date nerves, creating more fluidity in conversations (and thus less awkwardness) and accelerating bonding. Drink responsibly.

• Opt for Unique, Lesser-Known Hole-in-the-Wall places rather than generic chain restaurants. Doing a little research and taking her (or him) to a lesser-known spot that they’ve never been to pays off as it increases the excitement for them and the surprise factor of going to a place they’ve never been to before. Just make sure that YOU have adequately scoped it out beforehand.

• Sit close to each other and at a right-angle rather than sitting directly across from each other, if you can control it. Studies have shown that if you sit kitty-corner from each other it creates more attraction than sitting directly across, and it allows for more intimacy as well. Also, if your server is leading you to a table that looks like it could belong in King Arther’s pad, attempt to veto it and ask if they have anything smaller available so you don’t have to shout to pass the salt.

• Background Music: Have soft music playing in the background, or go to a place that does, rather than being in an atmosphere that’s dead silent. On the flip side, the music shouldn’t be so loud that you have to scream at one another; that’s no bueno either.

So in sum, boys and girls…avoid bright, open popular chain restaurants with stark overhead lighting, no alcohol and kids running around… Dark and cozy unique restaurants with candles, privacy, and flowing carafes of wine – GOOD!

2.    Self-Disclosure:

Have the Right Amount of Self-Disclosure & Vulnerability. There needs to be at least some self-disclosure and opening up on both parties during the date in order to pass through the level from acquaintance to attraction and create a real connection. If you keep your answers too short and simple and never offer up any real personal information, then your date won’t feel comfortable doing so either – and two strangers in the night you will remain. If you’re trying to create a ‘perfect’ image and worry that any self-disclosure on your part will jeopardize your date’s perfect vision of you, well then good luck to you because you’re never going to experience a true connection.

How do you strike the balance between too little and too much self-disclosure? Well, the key is to share a little bit of information at a time, keep the content appropriate, and keep the amount of information you share fairly equal between the two of you. So in other words, you don’t want to share your whole life story with them if they’ve only shared a few things about their family. You also want to keep whatever it is you’re sharing positive and confident. For instance you don’t want to talk about your creepy Uncle Ted or your painful divorce or your abusive childhood or previous mental illnesses. Share a few personal stories or unique things about yourself here and there if relevant, and maybe disclose some information about your family, where and how you grew up, career paths, and other similar topics.

Be able to be honest and vocalize what you want – in your life, in a relationship, and in a partner, if asked. But at least for the first 3 dates, avoid disclosing depressing things or things that may cast you in a negative or unflattering light, (please, you don’t need to tell your date about your Irritable Bowel Syndrome or your recent string of horrible dates, nor your bankruptcy issues or cheating past – for now at least), avoid gushing your feelings about your date and showering them with compliments, and really just don’t say things that will make you sound loser-y or desperate, is that so hard? Don’t be too much of an open book and don’t be too closed; retain the element of mystery, and start off light before progressing to heavier topics.

3. Conversation Quality:

Get your Conversations past the surface level & to the ‘Attraction Level!’ This is very important if you want to make it past the ‘Friend Zone.’ Most people who get stuck in the Friend Zone, often do so because the content of their conversations remain at a surface-level. While they remain polite and positive, they don’t ever really penetrate past the surface into the next level, which is necessary to bond and create intimacy. Think about your conversations on a previous date that didn’t end up working out. Was it mostly just ‘small talk’ or polite chit-chat that might resemble a conversation you had with someone you sat next to on a plane?

Or if in doubt, you can always use my “Brother/Sister Swap Test.” The next time you’re on a date with someone, or looking back on a previous date, ask yourself, if you could imagine swapping your date for your brother or sister, would it have felt icky due to the nature of your conversations and your body language, etc., or would that have been just fine? Meaning, when you’re attracted to a guy or girl, your body language, energy and communication should be noticeably different than the body language, energy and communication you use when having a conversation with your brother or sister (or, one would hope at least). Assuming we’re not Jerry Springer here, the former should be more open, inviting and flirtatious. The way that so many people fall into the Friend Zone is, well, just that – the energy they project & their conversation content is pretty much like that of a friend or sister or brother. And the conversation content remains too surface and safe. Most people make the mistake of asking routine interview questions on dates such as “So, where did you spend most of your life? Where have you traveled to? What brought you to San Diego? What do you do at work? What other hobbies do you have?” etc… But these questions and conversation topics don’t stimulate the mind or senses or generate discussions.

Then you both walk away at the end of the date thinking, “Well, that was pleasant” or “Hmm…Nice date…Good conversation…Nice person… BUT…”  But what??

But…lacking that….

“SPARK!”  That’s right, that spark that fuels that thing we call chemistry and that we use to determine the potential of our dates. Surface-level conversation quality equals Swiftly-in-the-Friend-Zone. A lonely place that you know you don’t want to be.

So instead of asking questions that he or she can answer on autopilot in their sleep, stimulate your date’s mind! Get them thinking outside the box. Challenge them, Get into some debates; bring up interesting topics or current events or hot issues or celebrity gossip. Don’t be so worried about playing it safe; the only thing you need to worry about is NOT being a cliché, and NOT being like every other person your date’s gone out with. Don’t be lame or boring by asking lame or boring questions. Get them excited or passionate about something; ask questions that incite creativity or brainstorming and that create an energy flow between you.

Here are some questions and topics that actually stimulate your date’s brain:

• “If you had to be stuck somewhere in the world for 60 days, where would it be?
• What would you love to accomplish by the time you are 50?
• Where do you think the sexiest place in the world is?
• Let’s pretend that money were no object and you can create your ultimate 24-Hour romantic ‘Fantasy Date’ ….What would yours be?
• Who do you think the sexiest man in Hollywood is and the sexiest woman, and why?
• What’s the worst lie you’ve ever told?
• What’s the worst thing you got caught doing while growing up?
• What’s the craziest story you have while traveling to ____?

See what I mean? Be bold and fun! Ask questions that no one else has ever asked him/her. Just be different. And always be playful in your communication and don’t be afraid to tease and be sarcastic right from the get-go. Most men make the mistake of tiptoeing around potentially controversial or “un-safe” topics, or steering clear of them altogether, worrying about possibly ‘offending’ women if they tease or display sarcasm, so they err on the side of remaining polite and safe. But then guess what happens? You’ve tiptoed your way right out of a second date, because Mr. Safe Guy doesn’t spark any attraction for her and gets filed into the drawer as yet another nice-but-dull cliche who she’ll maybe call to go to an movie with sometime if she’s ever ridiculously bored and desperate. Yes, we’re women but where did you get the idea that we were so fragile that we couldn’t handle a little playfulness or joking? Instead, leave your mark on your date and mentally stimulate. (Sorry, couldn’t resist ; )

4.  Physical Contact:

Enhance Attraction through your Touch and Feel. Knock down your physical barriers (gently) through positive physical contact. It’s vital to initiate physical touch RIGHT from the get go. No, this doesn’t mean groping and feeling up on your date right away and this isn’t grounds for being a creep – but what I’m saying is that you want to get your date comfortable with your touch early on so gradually increased physical contact is welcomed and feels natural and good. If you’re a guy, start the date off right by giving her a hug and a light kiss on the cheek Euro-style right when you see her. The cheek-kiss is proper and tradition in most cultures anyhow so it will be universally received and most women even perceive the act as demonstrating class and sophistication, plus, it sets the backdrop for later… All good things you want.

Many men will barely touch the girl at all the entire first date (or two or three dates) and then, when they finally go in to put their arm around her or kiss her after not pre-establishing any physical touch, it feels all awkward and out of left field. You need to get comfortable with each other’s touch, and you need to let your date know that you’re a straight, sexual being fully capable of touching and kissing. This is definitely true for both men and women, but especially for men, the longer you wait to touch her and the less you do, the harder it is for her to imagine kissing you and being sexual with you (and FYI woman will also often start questioning your sexuality if you haven’t made any moves by the second date). The more frequently you touch her, the more she’ll see you as a romantic, sexual prospect and the more “sparks” your date will feel like you have.

Throughout the date, take opportunities to touch your date (in appropriate ways and places, of course)[disclaimer]. For instance, touch him on the arm as you compliment him on his shirt, put your hand on the small of her back as she walks in the door in front of you, touch his hand or shoulder when they say something funny or that you agree with, and so on. It’s equally important for men and women to touch several times throughout your date and also be comfortable with your date touching you (again…within reason, of course). So don’t stand with your hands in your pockets while they’re talking to you or have your arms crossed or your legs or body turned away from your date, which will stunt the intimacy process. Every time you touch your date, they get more and more comfortable with you and are more likely to return that touch- causing you to break down your physical intimacy barriers faster, enhancing your connection and accelerating the bonding process. So if you’re that guy or girl who’s just “not the touch-feely type,” well then I’ve got news for you – you’d better learn to be if you want get a second date.

5.    Masculine & Feminine Energy:

Strive for Balanced Masculine & Feminine Energies on the Date. In order to enhance attraction and increase the odds of a successful date you must maintain an appropriate balance of masculine and feminine energy. If a man projects too much feminine energy or the woman projects too much masculine energy, you’re going to throw off the balance and there’s going to be problems. I could go on all day detailing the differences between masculine and feminine energy and how to enhance yours because there’s a lot to it, but for right now some basic rules of thumb to follow are: Men, step up to the plate and take on your natural role of Man, Provider, Protector, Leader, Fixer. You let her know you can take charge and ‘Be the Man’ by planning the first few dates for her or giving her options A and B. Be assertive throughout the date and handle most of the communication with the waiter or server. Anticipate her needs and desires and take care of them before she even has to voice them.

For instance, if you see that her drink is nearly empty, tell the waiter to refill her drink or ask her if you can get her a refill. Ask her what she’d like to drink immediately after sitting down (or the first time the waitress comes over). Women usually feel uncomfortable being the one to suggest ordering a drink, but believe me, 9 out of 10 times they definitely want one, and they want it fast, as they are usually nervous and can’t wait for a drink in hand to take the edge off. But, we don’t want to come across as a lush being the proper ladies that we are so we will be festering inside for every 5 minutes you make us sit there and wait and we’ll be rejoicing inside for those men who sit right down and say, “How about we get some drinks started!” If you’re eating outside and there’s a chance she might be cold, as the waiter to sit you near a heat lamp or offer her your sweater. If you see her eyeing the molten chocolate lava cake across the room, suggest that you order one to share. And when the bill comes, for Christ’s sake GRAB it & take care of it immediately. Gosh forbid you let it sit there chilling on the table, while we writhe in awkwardness with every moment that goes by with it glaring at us – and pay the bill quietly and gracefully without busting out your glasses or calculator, price-checking every item, or asking her for money. (And please, please no coupons! I don’t care of her lobster was $60 and she only took four bites, you can cry in your pillow later but now’s not the time).

(Also, if the girl does a ‘Fake Reach-in-the-Purse,’ when the bill comes, that’s as good as an honest offer but you should still turn her down for the first few…)

Express strength and leadership through your energy throughout the date. And women, if you want to be treated like the special lady that you are, LET him be and do these things, and let him be the more dominant, masculine role, while you remain primarily in your feminine energy, which is softer and more passive. Avoid coordinating the plans or reservations for the first few dates, resist “one-upping” him in conversations, competing over career status, beating him in darts, smashing him in a political debate, paying the tab, or driving…unless you want to be treated like one of his buddies. When you simply allow your core feminine and masculine energy to flow naturally and embrace your primary roles and strengths instead of fighting them, you’ll create a much more attractive, balanced dynamic and will bring out each sex’s best traits, the way we were designed to, creating a truly harmonic bond and intense chemistry.

Be conscious of these key attraction factors and notice the difference in your interactions starting today! And, as always, report back to me with your feedback : )

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10 Ways to make a ‘Magnetic’ First Impression

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10 Easy Ways to Make a Magnetic First Date Impression

These are based on heavy research of my own as well as proven characteristics of personal “Magnetism” and Attraction! There are obviously many more components that go into a positive first impression, but here are my top 10.

The Greeting: Be on time! You’d be amazed how much punctuality really does affect first impressions. Have a Firm handshake! How is yours? Is it like a cold fish? Girls: avoid the “prissy princess” handshake, which exudes entitlement.

Men: When you greet her at the start of your date, give her a hug and kiss her on the check; this opens the door right from the get-go and sets the precedent for later.

Ladies: Reach over to his door and unlock his door. He will be highly impressed by this courteous and rare move.

Seating: If you’re a guy, you want to sit across from her, facing the people in the restaraunt so she is obligated to sit facing you, away from the clientele and staff of the restaurant. You want your date’s attention on YOU, not the waiter. And if you can control it, sit at a 90 degree right angle. Research has shown that his seating arrangement generates the most attraction and rapport.

Men: Pay Attention to the Details, your Surroundings, and Her Body Language. Pick up on cues and Take the Lead. For instance, if you notice that there’s no water on the table yet and it’s been a few minutes, seek out the waiter. If the waiter seems to have forgotten about you, If you’re both antsy for another glass of wine and it’s she hasn’t come by for a refill, take charge and handle the situation. Most often men either aren’t observant enough to notice when these things happen, or they will notice but won’t do anything about it; then us women are left feelings uncomfortable going up and fending for ourselves because we are trying to look demure, and so we sit there annoyed and thinking how much of a wuss our date is.

Be Conscious of Eye Contact: Make good eye-contact. Look into your date’s eyes about 70% of the time, and look away about 30% (about every 7 seconds or so you glance to the side).  Never looking away is creepy, but the longer your eye contact, the more self-esteem & confidence you are perceived to have.

Pacing & Matching: “Match” your date’s mannerisms and voice tone. Speak at their pace and volume level. Matching another person’s body language and speech has been proven to build tremendous instant rapport and attraction!

Men: Project your voice and show decisiveness. Lead her (making the moves for when to order, what to order, whether to order a bottle of wine or a glass, whether to have dessert or not, etc.) Show a Genuine Focus on the Other. Actively encourage others to talk about themselves, and respond genuinely — without bringing it back to yourself. Avoid monopolizing the conversation.

Use Positivity & certainty in your language and phrases, not negativity and doubt. Use phrases like “Absolutely” and “Definitely” and “Yes” vs. “Maybe,” or  “Probably,” or  “I think so.” This is perceived to exude much more confidence and esteem.

Look at your date’s pupil size to determine level of Attraction: Enlarged pupils indicate a high-level of attraction; small pupils typically indicate indifference or dislike. This is one of the most accurate indicators of interest, so use it to your advantage.

Leave at the Peak of Interest. Don’t wait for conversation to get stale or till you run out of things to say. Make your exit on a high note and your date will be “crying out for more.”

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