5 Love Lessons we Can Learn from The Bachelorette!

5 Dating & Love Lessons we Can Learn from the Bachelorette

As I was watching The Bachelorette Monday night with a group of my girlfriends, and of course, adding my commentary and predictions with every scene, I realized yet again just how many lessons we can take from the show and how many Do’s, Don’ts and massive faux pas there are among the bachelors and bachelorettes. So I’m going to recap week by week the best and worst dating lessons we can learn from every week’s episode.

From Monday night’s episode…

1. The Weatherman’s Kissing Fumble:

Oh. My. What a cringe-worthy mess this was. So just to recap, the “Weatherman” was set up for a kiss while he and Ali were filming a music video for the Bare Naked Ladies. Now, how much EASIER could it get?? This guy was TOLD to kiss her, and it was set up in the script! But, the poor little guy was so nervous and uncomfortable; he attempted about 8 painful attempts to lean in and kiss her, but kept chickening out at the last minute. Until finally, Ali had to metaphorically put on the pants and kissed HIM, just to hurry up and get the scene over with as he wasn’t doing the job. (Oh and then to top it off, he cried afterward because he was so embarrassed). And as if that wasn’t bad enough, later on in his 5 minutes of alone time with her, ASKS her if “it would be okay” if he kisses her. (And then says, “But if you don’t want to, I totally understand. I just don’t want you to be uncomfortable so it’s up to you…” Of course, now that he has made it all awkward, Ali fiddles a bit, and changes the subject, like almost any other woman would also do when asked if we want to be kissed so weakly like this. Thus, no kiss for the Weatherman.

This guy and his moves scream ‘wussy’ all over it. He fumbled big time here, and there’s no turning back. If you’re going to kiss a girl, Grab her, and GO in for the kiss, with confidence and purpose, no hesitation! Don’t ask her for her “permission;” don’t apologize for a kiss, or hesitate or get tounge-tied, just go for it.  Assume that she wants it. That’s how you demonstrate your masculinity and confidence to her. By acting hesitantly and asking for her permission, you lower your perceived value because you’re showing doubt and insecurity (basically saying to her, I don’t get this chance often with girls, and I think you may say no and reject me, so I’m going to ask you beforehand just in case it’s a no so I can save me from rejection and embarrassment.) That is assuming a ‘No.’ And that’s likely going to seal your fate. But the way to seal your fate as a Yes is to assume a YES with women!

1. Ali Gushing to Roberto about how HOT he is.

Okay, we all know how hot Roberto and his luscious dimples are, but Ali really broke a golden rule here and lowered her own value and attractiveness by gushing to him starry-eyed and saturating him with compliments, telling him how hot and good-looking he is, (“Oh my gosh, you are just so good looking, I don’t know if you know that but you really should because you are just soo good-looking…”) and downright gushing all over him (”Oh my gosh, and you even speak other languages too? Wow!…). Right when you say those things to someone, you’re perceived value goes DOWN. Although they feel flattered and their ego is heavily stroked, they begin to think, “Wow, I must be the best looking person they’ve ever gone out with. They must not normally attract good-looking people…” And then they’re thinking, “Wait, why DON’T they get good-looking people, is there something wrong with them? … Is there something wrong with ME for liking her/him? Maybe I’m too good for her/him…” And down goes your value.

Ali, keep those thoughts to yourself no matter how much he’s racing in your mind. In the beginning and those first crucial dates, when you’re with someone good-looking, you want to avoid the starry-eyed “gushing” like this at all costs. And the better-looking they are, the less you should mention it!  Don’t be a cliché, be the one person that’s a challenge to them. Later on when you’re dating more steadily, you can drop some compliments every now and then, but in the beginning, keep it cool.

1. Justin Hobbling up the hill to Ali’s house.

Now, this guy is a bit of a tool, I admit, BUT I can’t ignore the fact that he did pull a move that was quite ballsy that I’ve got to give him credit for. Since he didn’t get an official ‘alone’ date with Ali all week, he did something that no other guy has done. He actually found out where Ali’s place was, and discreetly hiked over two miles by himself to go see her and get his alone time – WITH a broken leg and crutches, mind you. Now all the other boys in the house did give him crap for it, but the fact is, it is a competition. The guys’ primary purpose there shouldn’t be to make BFFs, it’s to win the lady, and he was the only one ballsy and resourceful enough to take the initiative and MAKE time with her, create the situation that he wanted, when he wasn’t given any. All the other guys simply dealt with what they were given, and didn’t even think to scheme up a plan and find their own way of wooing her, yet this guy did.

So I have to say, tool or not, this was a powerful male move on his part and more men should take heed to his example of creative persistence and male boldness.

1. Hunter‘s Dud Date: Not making a move by the Fireplace or Jacuzzi.

Now this date was just plain awkward. For those who missed it, Ali chose to spend an alone date with Hunter, the quiet gangly guy from Texas. They had a long leisurely date, in which he came over to her pad, and they cooked together, went in the hot tub, and had a romantic setup outside by her fire under the stars complete with blankets and booze and all. Now, they had all the ingredients necessary for romance – champagne, stars, a gorgeous setting, a fire, a hot-tub, and alone time… Yet instead of Hunter making any moves, the only thing you can hear were…crickets, crickets. In the hot tub, the two of them were sitting down side-by-side, both staring straight forward and not talking. No moves were made. By the fire, they were sitting next to each other and he was talking about work and asking her lame questions. Men, this is an example of what NOT to do.

Usually with women, you do NOT get multiple chances. They will only give you one chance, and if the date has any romantic elements to it especially, you better believe that the woman is going to be testing you the whole time to see how you respond and if you’re able to create a romantic vibe, or if you’re just going to act like a friend. Friends hang out in hot tubs, and lovers MAKE out in hot tubs! A guy who wants to let a girl know that he wants more than just friendship takes the initiative and kisses her in the hot tub, as well as other places. A guy who wants a romantic relationship with a girl will take advantage of the fireside setup and put his arm around her, keep her warm and kiss her. He’s going to do things that show her that he’s not going to be seen as just a friend, but as a lover and sexual being with masculine instincts.

Gentlemen, when you’re in those situations, you need to initiate it, and it’s up to YOU whether or not the relationship turns romantic or stays at the friendship level…You set up the scene and create the romantic spark… its not up to her! She is waiting for YOUR cues. Don’t wait for cues from her, and don’t wait for her to say, “Now I would like you to kiss me,” because that is not going to happen from most women, and she is expecting that from YOU. If you’re a shy or reserved guy, and it takes you a while to ‘come out of your shell,’ then realized that women don’t like to waste time, and they are not looking for “friends.”… We have enough of them.  If they are out with you, they are trying to see if you could be a possible boyfriend/husband/sexual partner, period. And they will only give you a few chances at most for you to prove which category you fall into, the possible boyfriend or the friend.

1. Roberto grabbing and kissing her while on the Tightrope.

First off, the date with them begins with a helicopter ride over the canyons, and Roberto played it perfectly by comforting the pretending-to-be-afraid of heights Ali, and kept his cool, looking “protective and manly.” Then after the helicopter ride, it is announced that before they can go eat dinner, they are to walk a treacherous tightrope between two nameless LA skyscrapers. Now instead of freaking out or hyperventilating, crying, or making a big fuss like many guys might tend to do in this situation, Roberto completely kept his cool and confidence and approached the walk with excitement and calmness, which is how a man should always act in situations involving height, spiders, or anything else potentially frightening. It’s a man’s job to keep his calm and cool and be the rock for the woman – never let it be the other way around, no matter how uncomfortable or scared you may really be inside! Kudos, Roberto.

Then, to add to the manly brownie points, while Ali and Roberto were walking the tightrope from building to building on their alone date, hand in hand, they were about to fall 10 stories high while I was getting nauseous, and then Roberto grabs her and pulls her close and while they could have lost balance at any time, plants a long and sensual Spanish kiss on her. The cameras got a great shot of them shakily kissing with the city all around them and below them. What a rush. Now while this could be construed by some as somewhat corny (and dangerous), what Roberto did was a key technique that I teach my client avidly – the importance of creating “BMMs,” or, “Bonding Memorable Moments.”  This was indeed a Bonding Memorable Moment, and an awesome one at that  – anytime that you’re in a situation that is unique, you can use that to create a moment that your date will remember – and associate YOU with those heightened feelings. And the more exciting the stimuli or circumstances are, the more senses and emotions are involved – in this case, fear, excitement, adrenaline – her emotions were soaring in this moment because of all the adrenaline and fear and excitement involved in walking this tightrope – the more MEMORABLE the moment, and the more your date will feel bonded toward you.

So she’s going to associate all those exhilarating, exciting feelings with Roberto, and he’s going to have a huge leg-up (literally) over the other guys who didn’t take advantage of such moments. Good dating move, Roberto!  And Men, take notes

Leave your thoughts, comments, rants and raves below!

Love, DeAnna xo

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I Love Secret Admirers! (Good Attraction Strategy:)

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So, I’ve just gotta say, I just LOVE secret admirers. I don’t care how old I get, how many relationships I’ve been in or what my relationship status is, I just love them. Yes, even me. EVERY woman does. I feel extra inspired to write this entry because, well, I just opened my office door a minute ago to let my client out after her coaching session, and a giant Hershey’s Kiss dropped down in front of me. No note or anything. And last week there was a gorgeous bouquet of flowers also in front of my office door, again with no note… Who IS this? Whoever you are, I’m liking your strategy! And thank you!

Not only do secret admirers leave a girl feeling like, well, a girl, and brings us back to grade school when we would fill up with excitement and suspense whenever we’d find a little note stuffed in our cubby from a secret crush or a Valentine Candy Gram from a mysterious boy who had a fancy for us. But it’s also a great way to make a girl feel special and excited all at the same time, while also firing off feelings of mystery and curiosity in her – all good things to begin a relationship with.

In fact, this is actually a GREAT technique if you are trying to court a woman who you have a crush on from afar that you have a high chance of running into again – say you’ve seen her work out at the gym before, or she lives in your apartment complex, she’s your neighbor or she works in your building – and you want to get her interested in you. So guys, listen up! If you know, or can find out, where her car is, office is or apartment or home is, (without going to creepy stalker status of course (well, just don’t get caught okay;) then start by doing exactly this… Leave an item like a single rose, a big chocolate Hershey’s Kiss or one of those giant fortune cookies, or something even more original… (no naked pictures of you or your penis please, and nothing dirty (we still have no idea why you think those are sexy! LOL), and just leave a single item like that two or three times, spaced out 1 or 2 weeks. No note, just leave it on her windshield, in her mailbox or outside her door where she’ll be sure to see it. This lets her BUILD up her curiosity and suspense… Then, after 3 or 4 items being left there… you can leave a note.

Now with the note, let the note be SHORT and sweet, and FUNNY if you can make it funny or witty, and then just sign it – “Your Secret Admirer,” or “Your Mystery Man,” or nothing at all. But if you leave some title, change it up for every note.

Continue doing this for a few more weeks – leave 3 or 4 notes, or as LONG as you can keep it going for. Be playful in your notes. Be a little cocky even if you can. If you’re too sappy or gushy or complimentary, it’ll come off as creepy or desperate. You do not want to come off as creepy or desperate; the goal is not to have her call the police on you or be waiting outside her door for you with a baseball bat so you get unsuspectingly pummeled – You want to come off as CREATIVE and refreshingly ORIGINAL and INTERESTING. …DIFFERENT. All good things that a woman wants.

So, just be patient and let the curiosity and anticipation in her build and build, till she’s practically about to burst because she’s so curious. When she finally leaves a note on her door that says something like “Who IS this??” (and if she’s interested, she will. Unless she has a boyfriend or husband or is a lesbian, 99% of the time, she WILL “play back” with you.) Write a note back that says, “C’mon. I’m not that easy ; )” Tease her a little more, and make her work for it! Don’t give yourself away so soon. I know its hard, but the longer you wait and build this suspense, the more bonded and attracted and close she’ll feel towards you and the more she’ll be building you up in her mind. You’re the spontaneous Man of Mystery to her right now, you’ve got a bunch of leverage – stay in this position as long as possible. Leave little clues about what you look like or who you are, but don’t give yourself away just yet. Then finally, you can say something like “If you want to find out who this is, let’s meet for a drink. Leave me your number or let me know if Thursday (or pick a night) at 8 at (Pick a nearby bar or restaurant) sounds good for a drink.” Then, make it happen!

Good luck, and let me know how it goes, you Cassanovas

Love, DeAnna

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