I was talking to one of my female clients last night in our session, and she was having a hard time struggling with something that I know other people may struggle with too, so it got me all heated and I wanted to write a post on it so I can help those that do. The concept she was struggling with? …That of FLIRTING.

“I just can’t do it, I don’t think I have it in me… it’s not in my nature. I don’t want to bother with it. There has to be other ways of connecting with men…” She said vehemently after I told her that flirting is an essential part of the process of attracting dates and a relationship. She said that since it feels like work for her to flirt and feels ‘unnatural,’ she only wants to flirt with those men who seem like very strong possibilities, and doesn’t want to waste time bothering with it anywhere else. Now I don’t want to single her out though… Many people feel this way, both men and women alike.

But there’s a few things wrong with that thinking…

Number 1) How do you even know if someone is a very strong possibility, within a few seconds of looking at them?? How do you know if they are a strong possibility unless you TALK to them? And if it turns out they ARE a strong possibility, then the only way for them to connect YOU as a strong possibility and for them to be attracted to YOU is for you to create the attraction – by FLIRTING!

And the second thing wrong with that is, flirting is actually a NATURAL and innate part of human interaction… Everyone innately knows how to do it, but if it doesn’t feel comfortable for you or you don’t feel you’re good at it, it is because you don’t normally engage in it and practice it, or you stifle it, therefore it becomes dormant and very weak. Although some people are innately ‘better’ at it than others and more intuitively know how to use it, still everybody does have it. But it IS a skill and art, and those who have developed the skill and art of flirting more adeptly and use it more frequently are at much more of an ADVANTAGE – they tend to be better liked – by both men and women, get significantly more dates, and are more successful and faster at finding a partner than those who don’t.

And the more you do it and practice the art of flirting, the more comfortable and confident you will be with it and the more natural it will seem. If you rarely do it or “save” your flirting just for the few and far between people who seem like very strong prospects, then you will weaken those skills and won’t be able to perform as well as you would like to in that moment. Just like a skill like playing the guitar or snowboarding – Obviously if you haven’t practiced or done it in 10 years, you’re not going to be very good! And many people haven’t practiced the skill of flirting for much longer than that! For some people, all their lives.

To simplify it for those of you who may be in that category, flirting is really just a form of communicating that is slightly different you’re your regular style of speaking and communicating, in that it is more engaging and playful and may have some sexual undertones to it. Flirting is a more charismatic and engaging way to communicate, using your body language and gestures, and your words and energy. It is a different energy than the energy you use while communicating with, say, your brother, or an employee (or at least, it SHOULD be).

Timothy Perper, who has been researching flirting for 30 years, says, “Flirting captures the interest of the other person and says ‘Would you like to play?’” And one of the most exhilarating things about the game is that the normal rules of social interaction are rubberized. Clarity is not the point. “Flirting opens a window of potential. Not yes, not no,” says Perper. It just makes the possibility open and available to the other party, allowing you both to entertain it through your interaction. Without which, that possibility isn’t perceived or picked up on by the other party. (Hence how you fall into the “Friend Zone”)

Flirting is a way of communicating to the person you’re interacting with that “I do not want to just be your friend. I am a romantic possibility for you.” And it triggers interest and attraction in the mind of the person you’re speaking to. It separates you from every other average person they talked to that day, and creates a pulling effect, drawing them to you. This creates far more opportunities and options for you to choose from, and GREATLY enhances the odds that those you engage with that you are interested in will be a success and reciprocate those feelings of attraction!

If you do not alter your energy and communication by way of flirting when you’re talking to someone you’re interested in, then you’re not signaling to their subconscious that you’re anyone special or different that they should take note of; it will not trigger a romantic-sexual connection. You are perceived as just a ‘Friend’ to them or a stranger, that they’ll soon forget when they walk away. It will not register. So, if you frequently find yourself talking to a lot of people, but it doesn’t seem to go anywhere, i.e. they never seem to ask for your number or ask you out, or your dates often don’t lead to anything romantic (aka, falling into the Friend Zone) – it is most likely because you are exhibiting just ‘Friend Energy’ when you’re interacting with them, and not ‘Romantic-Sexual energy’ by properly flirting.

So, why WOULDN’T you want to flirt then?? Also, as I stated before, the act of flirting is CHARISMATIC, and infused with positive energy… and the more positive energy and charisma you spread – onto anyone, man or woman – the MORE you will create and manifest for yourself. It cycles back to you and you become a magnet for attracting good opportunities and good people into your life every day. When you choose to ‘reserve’ or ‘save’ that positive energy for just certain select people and you don’t ‘bother’ to put it out there with most other people you encounter, you are only going to attract more scarcity into your life. You will continue to attract a LACK of that positive flirtatious energy, and lack of prospects, because YOU are expressing a lack of it. It is just Law (Law of Attraction). It is how energy works…

Okay I can write pages on the whole metaphysical argument for why flirting is beneficial but I’ll spare you this time, instead  I just wanted to give you several real and factual reasons WHY practicing flirting is GOOD and why it works, especially if your end goal is to find a relationship. And why choosing not to do flirt or ‘reserving’ your flirting either because of laziness in that you feel it “takes too much effort,” or shyness, or lack of interest or desire to because you don’t ‘see the point’ – is only detrimental to you and really holds you back, stalling the process.

So, take my advice and.. Flirt, Flirt, and FLIRT! Practice flirting on a daily basis just with some of the people you encounter in your day, and you will really strengthen your skills. The more you engage in it, the more solidly the art of it all and the subtleties will just ‘click.’ If you don’t use it… You really do lose it.

This entry was more about the importance of flirting rather than a How-To, so stay tuned for a future post on How to Master the Art of Flirting.

For now though, just remember some of the keys to flirting are: Playfulness, Teasing, Warm, Positive Energy, Eye Contact, open and interested Body Language and Gestures.

Your Challenge? To Flirt with 2 people every day for the rest of the week. Embrace it, Practice it…. and just have FUN!

Share your COMMENTS below!

5 Dating & Love Lessons we Can Learn from the Bachelorette

As I was watching The Bachelorette Monday night with a group of my girlfriends, and of course, adding my commentary and predictions with every scene, I realized yet again just how many lessons we can take from the show and how many Do’s, Don’ts and massive faux pas there are among the bachelors and bachelorettes. So I’m going to recap week by week the best and worst dating lessons we can learn from every week’s episode.

From Monday night’s episode…

1. The Weatherman’s Kissing Fumble:

Oh. My. What a cringe-worthy mess this was. So just to recap, the “Weatherman” was set up for a kiss while he and Ali were filming a music video for the Bare Naked Ladies. Now, how much EASIER could it get?? This guy was TOLD to kiss her, and it was set up in the script! But, the poor little guy was so nervous and uncomfortable; he attempted about 8 painful attempts to lean in and kiss her, but kept chickening out at the last minute. Until finally, Ali had to metaphorically put on the pants and kissed HIM, just to hurry up and get the scene over with as he wasn’t doing the job. (Oh and then to top it off, he cried afterward because he was so embarrassed). And as if that wasn’t bad enough, later on in his 5 minutes of alone time with her, ASKS her if “it would be okay” if he kisses her. (And then says, “But if you don’t want to, I totally understand. I just don’t want you to be uncomfortable so it’s up to you…” Of course, now that he has made it all awkward, Ali fiddles a bit, and changes the subject, like almost any other woman would also do when asked if we want to be kissed so weakly like this. Thus, no kiss for the Weatherman.

This guy and his moves scream ‘wussy’ all over it. He fumbled big time here, and there’s no turning back. If you’re going to kiss a girl, Grab her, and GO in for the kiss, with confidence and purpose, no hesitation! Don’t ask her for her “permission;” don’t apologize for a kiss, or hesitate or get tounge-tied, just go for it.  Assume that she wants it. That’s how you demonstrate your masculinity and confidence to her. By acting hesitantly and asking for her permission, you lower your perceived value because you’re showing doubt and insecurity (basically saying to her, I don’t get this chance often with girls, and I think you may say no and reject me, so I’m going to ask you beforehand just in case it’s a no so I can save me from rejection and embarrassment.) That is assuming a ‘No.’ And that’s likely going to seal your fate. But the way to seal your fate as a Yes is to assume a YES with women!

1. Ali Gushing to Roberto about how HOT he is.

Okay, we all know how hot Roberto and his luscious dimples are, but Ali really broke a golden rule here and lowered her own value and attractiveness by gushing to him starry-eyed and saturating him with compliments, telling him how hot and good-looking he is, (“Oh my gosh, you are just so good looking, I don’t know if you know that but you really should because you are just soo good-looking…”) and downright gushing all over him (“Oh my gosh, and you even speak other languages too? Wow!…). Right when you say those things to someone, you’re perceived value goes DOWN. Although they feel flattered and their ego is heavily stroked, they begin to think, “Wow, I must be the best looking person they’ve ever gone out with. They must not normally attract good-looking people…” And then they’re thinking, “Wait, why DON’T they get good-looking people, is there something wrong with them? … Is there something wrong with ME for liking her/him? Maybe I’m too good for her/him…” And down goes your value.

Ali, keep those thoughts to yourself no matter how much he’s racing in your mind. In the beginning and those first crucial dates, when you’re with someone good-looking, you want to avoid the starry-eyed “gushing” like this at all costs. And the better-looking they are, the less you should mention it!  Don’t be a cliché, be the one person that’s a challenge to them. Later on when you’re dating more steadily, you can drop some compliments every now and then, but in the beginning, keep it cool.

1. Justin Hobbling up the hill to Ali’s house.

Now, this guy is a bit of a tool, I admit, BUT I can’t ignore the fact that he did pull a move that was quite ballsy that I’ve got to give him credit for. Since he didn’t get an official ‘alone’ date with Ali all week, he did something that no other guy has done. He actually found out where Ali’s place was, and discreetly hiked over two miles by himself to go see her and get his alone time – WITH a broken leg and crutches, mind you. Now all the other boys in the house did give him crap for it, but the fact is, it is a competition. The guys’ primary purpose there shouldn’t be to make BFFs, it’s to win the lady, and he was the only one ballsy and resourceful enough to take the initiative and MAKE time with her, create the situation that he wanted, when he wasn’t given any. All the other guys simply dealt with what they were given, and didn’t even think to scheme up a plan and find their own way of wooing her, yet this guy did.

So I have to say, tool or not, this was a powerful male move on his part and more men should take heed to his example of creative persistence and male boldness.

1. Hunter‘s Dud Date: Not making a move by the Fireplace or Jacuzzi.

Now this date was just plain awkward. For those who missed it, Ali chose to spend an alone date with Hunter, the quiet gangly guy from Texas. They had a long leisurely date, in which he came over to her pad, and they cooked together, went in the hot tub, and had a romantic setup outside by her fire under the stars complete with blankets and booze and all. Now, they had all the ingredients necessary for romance – champagne, stars, a gorgeous setting, a fire, a hot-tub, and alone time… Yet instead of Hunter making any moves, the only thing you can hear were…crickets, crickets. In the hot tub, the two of them were sitting down side-by-side, both staring straight forward and not talking. No moves were made. By the fire, they were sitting next to each other and he was talking about work and asking her lame questions. Men, this is an example of what NOT to do.

Usually with women, you do NOT get multiple chances. They will only give you one chance, and if the date has any romantic elements to it especially, you better believe that the woman is going to be testing you the whole time to see how you respond and if you’re able to create a romantic vibe, or if you’re just going to act like a friend. Friends hang out in hot tubs, and lovers MAKE out in hot tubs! A guy who wants to let a girl know that he wants more than just friendship takes the initiative and kisses her in the hot tub, as well as other places. A guy who wants a romantic relationship with a girl will take advantage of the fireside setup and put his arm around her, keep her warm and kiss her. He’s going to do things that show her that he’s not going to be seen as just a friend, but as a lover and sexual being with masculine instincts.

Gentlemen, when you’re in those situations, you need to initiate it, and it’s up to YOU whether or not the relationship turns romantic or stays at the friendship level…You set up the scene and create the romantic spark… its not up to her! She is waiting for YOUR cues. Don’t wait for cues from her, and don’t wait for her to say, “Now I would like you to kiss me,” because that is not going to happen from most women, and she is expecting that from YOU. If you’re a shy or reserved guy, and it takes you a while to ‘come out of your shell,’ then realized that women don’t like to waste time, and they are not looking for “friends.”… We have enough of them.  If they are out with you, they are trying to see if you could be a possible boyfriend/husband/sexual partner, period. And they will only give you a few chances at most for you to prove which category you fall into, the possible boyfriend or the friend.

1. Roberto grabbing and kissing her while on the Tightrope.

First off, the date with them begins with a helicopter ride over the canyons, and Roberto played it perfectly by comforting the pretending-to-be-afraid of heights Ali, and kept his cool, looking “protective and manly.” Then after the helicopter ride, it is announced that before they can go eat dinner, they are to walk a treacherous tightrope between two nameless LA skyscrapers. Now instead of freaking out or hyperventilating, crying, or making a big fuss like many guys might tend to do in this situation, Roberto completely kept his cool and confidence and approached the walk with excitement and calmness, which is how a man should always act in situations involving height, spiders, or anything else potentially frightening. It’s a man’s job to keep his calm and cool and be the rock for the woman – never let it be the other way around, no matter how uncomfortable or scared you may really be inside! Kudos, Roberto.

Then, to add to the manly brownie points, while Ali and Roberto were walking the tightrope from building to building on their alone date, hand in hand, they were about to fall 10 stories high while I was getting nauseous, and then Roberto grabs her and pulls her close and while they could have lost balance at any time, plants a long and sensual Spanish kiss on her. The cameras got a great shot of them shakily kissing with the city all around them and below them. What a rush. Now while this could be construed by some as somewhat corny (and dangerous), what Roberto did was a key technique that I teach my client avidly – the importance of creating “BMMs,” or, “Bonding Memorable Moments.”  This was indeed a Bonding Memorable Moment, and an awesome one at that  – anytime that you’re in a situation that is unique, you can use that to create a moment that your date will remember – and associate YOU with those heightened feelings. And the more exciting the stimuli or circumstances are, the more senses and emotions are involved – in this case, fear, excitement, adrenaline – her emotions were soaring in this moment because of all the adrenaline and fear and excitement involved in walking this tightrope – the more MEMORABLE the moment, and the more your date will feel bonded toward you.

So she’s going to associate all those exhilarating, exciting feelings with Roberto, and he’s going to have a huge leg-up (literally) over the other guys who didn’t take advantage of such moments. Good dating move, Roberto!  And Men, take notes

Leave your thoughts, comments, rants and raves below!

Love, DeAnna xo

Not only do secret admirers leave a girl feeling like, well, a girl, and brings us back to grade school when we would fill up with excitement and suspense whenever we’d find a little note stuffed in our cubby from a secret crush or a Valentine Candy Gram from a mysterious boy who had a fancy for us. But it’s also a great way to make a girl feel special and excited all at the same time, while also firing off feelings of mystery and curiosity in her – all good things to begin a relationship with.

In fact, this is actually a GREAT technique if you are trying to court a woman who you have a crush on from afar that you have a high chance of running into again – say you’ve seen her work out at the gym before, or she lives in your apartment complex, she’s your neighbor or she works in your building – and you want to get her interested in you. So guys, listen up! If you know, or can find out, where her car is, office is or apartment or home is, (without going to creepy stalker status of course (well, just don’t get caught okay;) then start by doing exactly this… Leave an item like a single rose, a big chocolate Hershey’s Kiss or one of those giant fortune cookies, or something even more original… (no naked pictures of you or your penis please, and nothing dirty (we still have no idea why you think those are sexy! LOL), and just leave a single item like that two or three times, spaced out 1 or 2 weeks. No note, just leave it on her windshield, in her mailbox or outside her door where she’ll be sure to see it. This lets her BUILD up her curiosity and suspense… Then, after 3 or 4 items being left there… you can leave a note.

Now with the note, let the note be SHORT and sweet, and FUNNY if you can make it funny or witty, and then just sign it – “Your Secret Admirer,” or “Your Mystery Man,” or nothing at all. But if you leave some title, change it up for every note.

Continue doing this for a few more weeks – leave 3 or 4 notes, or as LONG as you can keep it going for. Be playful in your notes. Be a little cocky even if you can. If you’re too sappy or gushy or complimentary, it’ll come off as creepy or desperate. You do not want to come off as creepy or desperate; the goal is not to have her call the police on you or be waiting outside her door for you with a baseball bat so you get unsuspectingly pummeled – You want to come off as CREATIVE and refreshingly ORIGINAL and INTERESTING. …DIFFERENT. All good things that a woman wants.

So, just be patient and let the curiosity and anticipation in her build and build, till she’s practically about to burst because she’s so curious. When she finally leaves a note on her door that says something like “Who IS this??” (and if she’s interested, she will. Unless she has a boyfriend or husband or is a lesbian, 99% of the time, she WILL “play back” with you.) Write a note back that says, “C’mon. I’m not that easy ; )” Tease her a little more, and make her work for it! Don’t give yourself away so soon. I know its hard, but the longer you wait and build this suspense, the more bonded and attracted and close she’ll feel towards you and the more she’ll be building you up in her mind. You’re the spontaneous Man of Mystery to her right now, you’ve got a bunch of leverage – stay in this position as long as possible. Leave little clues about what you look like or who you are, but don’t give yourself away just yet. Then finally, you can say something like “If you want to find out who this is, let’s meet for a drink. Leave me your number or let me know if Thursday (or pick a night) at 8 at (Pick a nearby bar or restaurant) sounds good for a drink.” Then, make it happen!

Good luck, and let me know how it goes, you Cassanovas

Love, DeAnna