Male Reader Question of the Week: How can I get over my Severe Approach Anxiety?

 

Dear DeAnna,

I sincerely need your help. Here’s my story in a nutshell: I’m a 27-year old guy, and work in IT, I’m smart, successful with my career and nearly every other aspect of my life, except when it comes to women. I have always had a bit of a social anxiety disorder. I’m a nice guy, reasonably attractive, in great shape, have a good head on my shoulders, and have a good sense of humor… I am just overly shy and always have been ever since I was a kid. I was never capable of approaching women as I was growing up, and to this day I have severe approach anxiety. As a result I let lots of opportunities with attractive women just pass me by because I freeze up and miss my chance. And when I do go over and talk to them, I usually can’t seem to keep her interest for long or I get tounge-tied or fear I’ll say something stupid. I have since dipped my toes in the pool to test the water, but I still have a hard time. I can’t walk into a group of random people and start mingling. I’m sick and tired of missing opportunities and having this gap that’s preventing me from finding a relationship; will it ever go away or will I outgrow it? How can I overcome this? Help!

-Andrew

Dear Andrew,
You’re right in stating that there is a definite gap. Your social shyness and approach anxiety, etc. will definitely prevent you from meeting anyone (and hold you back from fully enjoying life, as well).  It should however make you feel better to know that you’re not alone. There are LOTS of great guys like you that get held back from dating and meeting women because of their shyness, lack of approaching and communication skills with women, among other things. I work with many of those guys. In fact most of my male clientele come to see me because of those same issues that they want to overcome.  And that’s what we do.

The bad news though, is that your issues are not going to go away on their own.

 

Believe me, most of my male clients are in their 40′s or late 30′s and some even in their 50′s before they finally decided to take action on it and came to me, and they all talk about how they had these issues all their lives but kept hoping it would eventually resolve on their own or they would ‘grow out of it’ at some point, or just meet a woman who would somehow override their problem.

 

But, years went by with the same results, and pretty soon they were hitting 40 or 50 and realized nothing had changed and they were in the SAME position….Only now with even FEWER options of women available, as they aren’t quite in the same shape they were in their 20s! And, the girls that they COULD have gotten when they were younger had they overcome their approach anxiety earlier on are now not typically interested in them because of their age.

 

My point being to you is, the fact that you recognize this at the ‘ripe age’ of 27 and you’re aware of its limitations, gives you a great advantage and gift. Do something about it NOW, while you’re in your prime, so you don’t have to be in that position later. Because the other good news is that your limitations CAN be overcome! This shyness and lack of success with women can be a  thing of the past this year if you want it to be; It’s not that difficult to overcome nor does it have to take years or even months. As I said, I work with men to eliminate these issues all the time, and in my program, such as the 90-Day Transformational Coaching Program, you will eliminate your approach anxiety in as little as 2 weeks and 3 months at the longest. Even those engineers and IT guys who haven’t had a date in years and who’s life is spent on a computer!

 

So, you CAN overcome this, it doesn’t have to be a part of you anymore and you really MUST oversome this if you want to ever achieve success with women and find a relationship and wonderful woman to settle down with. But it starts with your decision to  take action on it NOW and your commitment to making the change. Obviously, my Men’s 90-Day Transformation plan is designed to eliminate your approach anxiety, develop solid Inner Game and the skills and confidence to attract any woman you want easily. So I definitely recommend you sign up for that so you can start seeing results in just a few weeks.

But to help you and all the other guys out there get started, here are 5 tips that will help you make the process of approaching and interacting much easier:

 

1. Knock them from their pedestal and stop over-glorifying them! You don’t know her from Adam, so you are putting an absolute stranger on a pedestal and letting her intimidate you. She could open her mouth and be dumb as rocks. She could have a husband. She could be a weirdo or a mute or have terrible teeth. The point is you have no idea what she’s like so by getting nervous and putting her on a pedestal before you even talk to her, you’re creating an immediate power imbalance and lowering your value while placing more value on her than is warranted. So before you get all tounge-tied for no reason, imagine knocking her from her imaginary pedestal you put her on and raise your own so you’re projecting the same level of power and value.

 

2. Simply by training yourself to Observe and Pay Attention to details, you’ll have all the openers and conversation topics that you could ever need at your fingertips. Before you approach her, You can quickly create an opener every time simply by observing and noticing details something in one of the following four areas:

a. Something she’s DOING. Is she working on a laptop? Reading a book? Walking a dog? Does she look bored? Ordering coffee? See if there’s anything that she’s doing that you can comment on or ask about.

 

b. Something she’s WEARING. Is she wearing a uniform that raises curiosity? An interesting hairpiece or dress? Cool shoes? A funny slogan on her shirt? A costume? See if there’s anything that she’s wearing that you can comment on or ask about.

 

c. Something she’s SAYING. Perhaps you overhear her talking to her friend about how she’s in the mood for Italian food and wished she knew of a good restaurant around here (There’s your cue!) Maybe you overhear her calling her dad up and telling him something’s wrong with her car and that she needs to get it checked out (know anything about cars? ANYTHING?? Ah hem, go offer to check her car out for her!) Or perhaps you hear her ask the cashier directions to get to somewhere (help her out!). instead of getting caught up in your own head trying to conjure up the perfect and wittiest routine or opener, if you simply listen and pay attention to what she’s saying you should have ample opportunities to offer your help, make a comment, ask her a question, demonstrate your value, or make a joke.

 

d. Or what’s going on AROUND her. NOTICE what’s going on around her. Perhaps you see that the bartender is taking his sweet time in getting her drink so you take the opportunity to commiserate with her & joke about it. Maybe you see someone bump into her and spill some of her drink, so you slide up next to her and help her and then comment on the asshole that did it. Maybe you notice she looks bored in her group of rowdy friends or a guy is blatantly hitting on her and she looks noticeably uninterested so you jump in and save the day by putting your arm around her and pretending to be her boyfriend and shooing him away. Simply paying attention to what’s going on around her should provide you with ample opportunities to offer your help, make a comment, ask her a question, demonstrate your value, or make a joke.

 

3. Envision the Successful End-Result. Before you walk over to approach a girl, go through the circle in your head, envisioning you walking over there confidently and purposefully, seeing her happily welcome your approach, seeing her smiling/laughing as you interact, getting her number and walking away happy. When you envision the successful end result you create the blueprint in your mind necessary to carry it out successfully and flawlessly because your mind thinks you’ve already just done it!

 

4. GET her phone #. Don’t “Ask.” Most men make the mistake of asking for her phone number, then they’re just standing their waiting in silence for her answer, which may be yes or no and if it’s no you look like an idiot mumbling something like, “Oh, ok that’s cool no worries,’ and walking away with your tail between your legs feeling like a shell of a man. How in control of that interaction were you then? NONE! You let her control the whole freaking interaction and the outcome and she had all the power. But with a simple shift in syntax – from question to command – the entire situation is flipped in your favor and you’ve got all the control. Here’s what option #1, the weak version, looks like:

 

“So, do you think I can get your number, and maybe give you a call sometime?”

 

BOO! See how weak that sounds and how powerless of the situation and outcome you are? No bueno.

And here’s option #2…

 

“Well I’ve got head out but let me get your number and I’ll give you a call sometime.”

 

YES!! See how much more powerful and assertive that sounds? Now YOU are the one that’s in control of the situation and outcome. And when you phrase it like that, a woman will nearly 100% of the time give you her number. It’s nearly impossible to say no to that because, well, it isn’t a question!

 

5. Let GO of the outcome! Remember, there is no such thing as ‘Failure,’ only FEEDBACK! Maybe she’s married or maybe she’s a lesbian; Maybe she just likes blondes, or guys over 6’2”, or dark guys, who the hell knows!? But the point being that NONE of these reasons have to do with YOU! So it’s silly to take anything personally. And remember, there’s NO such thing as ‘failure’ …only FEEDBACK! So go into each new interaction as simply ‘more practice’ or ‘more feedback’ and you’ll come out of every interaction a winner!

Female Reader Question of the Week: I’m a divorced Woman in my 40’s, why aren’t I having any Success with Online Dating??

 

Dear DeAnna,

I have not been lucky in love (I have been divorced twice – made BAD choices) Dating is so hard in when you are in your 40′s so I thought I‘d try online dating again. The most frustrating experience about online dating for me this time around is that I seem to only attract too young, too old, or TOO SCARY!! I feel like since I‘m not a size two – men my age aren’t interested! I keep finding that the men MY AGE are looking for women between 25 and 35. Do they think we turn into wrinkled up old hags after a certain age? It’s rare that you find a profile of a guy who actually seems intelligent, and then when you see that age range, it’s very frustrating. It makes me just want to give up. I’m a divorced professional with two boys who has her head on straight! Everyone keeps telling me how smart & pretty I am, yet I can’t even get a first date with this online dating stuff. Winning this contest would really help me find that relationship I feel I deserve!

-Laura

 

Dear Laura,

First off, I’m so sorry to hear you’re having a tough time out there. I know how frustrating dating – especially online dating – can be! Even more so if you’re a woman over 35, it can often feel very discouraging. I’ve seen LOTS of my female clients and friends go through this. But I’ve also noticed lots of trends and common mistakes that women in your age range are making that are largely responsible for their disappointing results with men and online dating in general, that you may very well be guilty of too. If you sign up for my Online Dating Profile Management Package, I go over all of these and more along with creating your own personalized online dating strategy, creating a winning, compelling profile for you that gets you noticed and gets you dates with the men you want, and I even do all the ‘dirty work’ for you, managing your account and personally searching for you, providing you with high-quality, compatible matches every week.  So I HIGHLY recommend you signing up for my Online Dating account management package. But to give you a good start, here are 10 excellent tips along with some of the most common pitfalls you must avoid to help you maximize your results both online and offline, starting from your first point

 

1. Stop wasting your time writing back to men you’re not interested in! Although it’s certainly noble for you to want to be courteous to these mere strangers, you don’t need to write back to every email in your inbox. Spend just a minute to check out their profile, and if you could tell just from their profile or photo that they don’t meet one or more of your requirements or ‘Non-Negotiable requirements or criteria, then don’t even bother writing back as that’s just setting yourself up for disappointment. only write back to those men who meet your minimum criteria or who interest you to maximize your efficiency and time spent online.

 

2. Expand your search parameters and be more open-minded. If you’re a woman, your search parameters should include men with a span of at least 10 years older than you and 5 years younger than you. I understand you don’t want an old grandpa in a retirement home, but if you really want to increase your chances of finding someone then you’ve simply got to be more open-minded and be willing to negotiate qualities like physical appearance and age. If you want men to be more open-minded and accepting of your age, then you need to be more accepting of theirs as well.

 

3. Spend more time in the ‘Driver’s Seat’ to increase your options of quality men rather than just sitting back passively with your only options being those men who have contacted you. You should be doing some searching yourself too so you can have more control over your options. Although whenever possible I believe men should be the first ones to send a message and initiate, if its not happening with a prospect then it’s acceptable for ou to open up the door and give them a little nudge, such as with a ‘Wink’ on Match.com, or by marking them as a ‘Favorite’ on Plenty of Fish or sending a short and sweet ‘Hi there’ ‘Icebreaker’ on Yahoo! Personals. Then once you’ve shown you interest with a little nudge like that, the ball’s in their court and let them take it from their. If they’re interested, they’ll almost always write you a response, and if you get no response, at least you know you did what you could and then you can move on and cross him off your list of prospects.

 

4. Your comment about “since I’m not a size two…” Okay sister, let’s get one thing straight: Just because you’re not a size two does NOT men won’t contact you, as not every man wants a size two woman. But most men DO want a woman who’s in good shape and health, and who looks like she takes care of herself and puts effort into her appearance. And you can show that no matter whether you’re a size 14 or size 0. But if your wearing sweats, scrubs and no make-up in your photos and dress sloppy and have let yourself go, it shouldn’t come as a surprise to you that you don’t get anything other than sloppy men contacting you.

 

3. Now, about that whole ‘age’ thing…. Yes, it’s true that men your own age are often looking for younger women to date. Unfortunately, your options do naturally decrease every year older you get. But there are certain measures you can take. First of all, are you in great shape? Do you exercise regularly? You may not be able to control or change how old you are, but you can change how old you LOOK and FEEL. If you’re untoned and out of shape, have excess weight, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’ll have a harder time attracting a man. Men are and always will be very visual creatures and beauty and youth are the highest ranked motivators for attraction. That wont ever go away just because you and they get older, son a lot of the reasons why they date younger women is because their experience is that many of the women their age are out of shape physically. Also, how are you dressing? Are you dressing like a grandmother with unflattering clothes, or are you wearing clothes that are flattering, contemporary and fitted? Is your hair healthy, in good condition and the color vibrant? Is the style of your hair contemporary and flattering to your face and body, or is it out of date and dull? Again, your hair can either make you look years older or years younger depending on the style, cut and color of it. here are other things that are common complaints of men in your age range and according to them, are reasons for being turned off by women their age and wanting to date younger. How’s your energy level and sex drive? Are you able to keep up with an active guy or are you frequently turning down activities with people because of your low energy? Men your age want a woman who can keep up with them both inside and outside the bedroom, so if you’re turning down hikes for a mid-day nap, he’s not going to be impressed. Make sure you convey that you’re active and energetic both in your profile and on your dates, because they’ll be looking for this.

 

4. Keep all the gushing and talking about your children and/or grandchildren to a minimum! There’s no need to mention your children or grandchildren in your profile or communication with online suiters, and keep that topic very brief on your first few dates. Keep the photos in your wallet for a while too rather than posting them on your profile or whipping them out on your dates. Men your age do not want a reminder that they are dating a grandmother nor are they interested in hearing lots of your stories about children he doesn’t know. Men complain of women talking incessantly about their grandchildren or children and it’s a real turn-off for them.

 

5. Avoid Talking about your future Plans & Children. If you DON’T have kids yet, but want them in your future and you feel like the clock is ticking… don’t talk about them or ask him if he wants them! Avoid any type of details about your plans or personal timeline for the next few years, or he’ll feel like if he continued dating you he’d be inserted into your ready-made Master plan’s Insert-a-Husband-Here spaces like he’s an item on your To-do list that you can just cross off. Blame it on Marisa Tomie’s character in My Cousin Vinnie, but men feel like if they’re dating a woman over 30 that hasn’t been married yet, she’s a ticking time bomb that’s about to explode and they’re in for an immediate bombardment of marriage, kids and picket fence before they knew what hit them. In other words, P-R-E-S-S-U-R-E. So hold your horses woman, slow down and dispel his fears by relaxing, exuding a carefree and positive attitude and keeping your personal Timeline and Woman-on-a-Mission energy under wraps for the first few dates.

 

6. Don’t Unload all your baggage on your Dates, Profile or Communication with men. I can’t tell you how may profiles I’ve seen where women just unloaded 20 years of relationship distress on their profiles as well as their dates. If you come across cynical or negative or untrusting, you’re going to look like you’re “damaged goods” and men will avoid you like the plague.  Be very conscious of this both online and on your dates, and avoid talking about past relationships, men who have dumped or wronged you, all your terrible dating experiences and people who have misrepresented themselves online, etc. Always sound upbeat and positive.

 

7. Don’t Treat your dates like a drive-through job Interview from hell. I understand that the older you get, the more you know what you want and the easier and faster it is for you to spot out what you want and ‘Next!’ the ones that don’t make the cut. You don’t want to waste your time so your goal is to find out as much as you can about this guy as fast as possible so you can breeze through your dates and get to ‘The One’ that much faster, right? Okay, maybe that sounds like the most efficient strategy in your head but guess how that comes across on your dates? Um, yeah….. SCARY!

 

8. Hold back Sexually & Avoid coming across too Easy or Desperate. Okay, I understand maybe it’s been a few months…or years since you’ve gotten any sex or love and I understand you’ve ‘got needs,’ but hold it together and don’t let months or years of repression come out on your date! When in the midst of a sexual drought many women will come on very strong to their dates and try to seduce and sleep with them on the 1^st or 2^nd date jump his bones like they’ve been in jail or space for 9 years and they’ve got two minutes to stock up on sex before another decade of isolation. Well gee, I wonder how that’s going come across? And even though men may willingly engage in sexual activities, because, well, they’re men and don’t typically turn that down if offered, they’re not going to be real motivated to continue to court you after they’ve put their pants back on and cleared their head. So whether it’s been 9 days or 9 years since you’ve last had sex, pull it together and act like the special lady he wants to get to know & cherish.

-DeAnna Lorraine, 2009